Rewrite the Stars
by WritingHealstheHeart
Summary: In a life or death game of truth or dare, J.J. confessed her love for Spencer. Now, what do they do with this information? Can they rewrite history and be together, or are they destined to love one another from afar. *Jeid story*
1. Chapter 1

_I've always loved you … and now, things are just really too complicated to say it now._

It replayed over and over in his mind. He had given up hope of ever hearing those words spoken outside of a dream. But she had said it. He had heard it. He heard it and didn't know what to do.

He battled himself constantly.

_She didn't mean it._

_Yes, she did!_

_No, she only said it to save us._

_No one fakes a lie that big, that quickly._

_She is married._

_That doesn't mean it's any less true. She could love us both._

_She had her time to be with you and didn't chose you._

_We were young and stupid. She got pregnant and panicked. Did what she thought she had to do._

This went on and on. The back and forth. He tried to shut down the chaos by casually truth or daring it out of her. She wouldn't answer. He thought that would be enough to tell him her intentions, but his brain went back to battling.

_She didn't answer because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings._

_No, she didn't answer because she's married and the guilt of that is weighing on her._

_She is happily married with two kids!_

_She never wanted to marry Will, she turned him down constantly, but only said yes when she was scared._

_She still said yes._

_But she also said no!_

He couldn't escape the questioning that was eating him alive. He wished he had someone to talk to about what to do with the information, but truth be told, he felt a lot of guilt for hoping she wanted to be with him.

Will was a good man and had always been kind to him over the years. He didn't want Will to be hurt by any of this. He also didn't want to be that guy that broke up a family. He loved Henry and Michael like his own and to think of being the person who came between their parents made him sick.

Following the case, Spencer took some time off. He told Emily his mom was having some trouble adjusting to her new medication and he wanted to spend time helping her adjust. He really spent it cooped up in his apartment avoiding J.J. and hoping when he returned, they could go back to being friends.

No such luck. His first day back they were sent on a case and as usual, Emily paired them together. Not at all what he had been hoping for. But they solved the case and did so while awkwardly pretending like those words hadn't been released into the world.

After that case, Spencer learned to speak up quickly when assignments were being divvied up.

"Luke I want you to go to the doctor's office and speak with the receptionist –"

"Mind if I tag along? I have some thoughts I'd like to explore," he piped in.

"Tara and Dave, go talk with the ME –"

"I actually would like to speak with the ME. Something about this feels familiar and I believe they would have valuable insight into that theory."

He always offered a convincing lie to get himself paired up with anyone but J.J. He didn't think it was noticeable to anyone. At least he thought that was the case.

It was a warm summer evening and the team had gathered to celebrate the engagement of Emily and Andrew. Spencer spent most of the evening catching up with Derek Morgan, who had just walked off to change Hank, when he saw J.J. making her way toward him.

He was underneath a bulky tree in Rossi's backyard, hidden from the suns scorching rays. He tried to remain calm and casual, but it was hard as he watched her walking toward him. Her floral summer dress blew lightly in the gentle summer wind. Her hair loose with the ends curling slightly.

What he wouldn't give to run his fingers through her hair. To taste her soft, white skin. To know what makes her moan, what makes her cry, what makes her beg for more. To feel her arms around him as they slept. So many things ran through his mind as he lifted his glass of tea, shakily to his lips.

"Hey," she said softly when she was close enough.

"Hey," he replied, as he looked away to try and find something to focus on.

"Having fun?"

"Yeah," he said, kicking himself internally.

_Why was he making this so awkward? Just talk to her like you would have in the past._

"You?"

"Yeah, it's great," she said nodding and turning to look away from him.

They both looked around the yard, neither of them really seeing anything of interest. Spencer cleared his throat.

"So, uh, how's Will?"

If he could've slapped himself in the face in that moment he would've. _How's Will? What kind of stupid question was that? _For a genius he was truly dumb sometimes.

"He's good. He had to work," she said.

"Oh, cool."

He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole. Get him far, far away from this horribly awkward conversation.

"How's your mom? Emily mentioned she was trying some new medication."

Thankfully she knew how to have a normal conversation. Spencer adored how she could always get past his social fails and make things so calm and casual. He could always be himself with her.

"She's good. This new medicine supposedly has less side effects and shows promising results with delaying cognitive loss. So far, not much to brag about."

"I'm glad to hear they are trying something, rather than just being complacent. Who knows? Maybe the cure is just around the corner," she said optimistically.

Spencer couldn't help but glance at her. She was smiling at him and despite trying to avoid it, a smile stretched across his lips as well. She had a knack for doing that to him.

"So, I know this is kind of an odd question and I'm probably just being paranoid," she started rambling as she scanned Rossi's yard again. "But you aren't avoiding me, are you?"

Spencer looked away, then back at her, then away again.

"No, no … not at all. Why … why would you think that?" he said as he coughed a little on his tea.

"It just seems like you are trying to pair yourself with other team members and I didn't know if I was just being sensitive or …" she trailed off as she peeked at him from under her lashes.

"I'm not avoiding you. I wouldn't do that," he said quickly.

J.J. nodded before sipping her drink. She gave him a quick sad smile.

"Yeah, it was silly to even ask. I should, um, go check on the boys," she said before she wandered off.

Spencer sighed in frustration. So, it was noticeable. There had to be another way around this. Another way to be able to work with J.J. and not have to avoid her. He had to come up with something fast, before the others started questioning him too.

_(xxxxx)_

_A/N: this is for all the Jeid fans. I was always a Spemily fan, but just this once I think I'll jump aboard your ship. Here is the story of what could've happened rather than what you will get on TV. Hope it's everything you wanted and more!_

_Also, please do not send me comments telling me how awful J.J. is for this. I already know everyone's feelings about it – I read Twitter and all those other social media sites where fans are complaining about it. You are entitled to your opinion, but that criticism is no help to my story. I appreciate it._


	2. Chapter 2

**13 Years Ago …**

Spencer adjusted his tie and smoothed his hair flat on his head. He nervously reached out and knocked on her door. It only took a few moments before it swung open and J.J. stood smiling in front of him.

She looked adorable. Her hair was up in a ponytail with a red and gold ribbon. She wore a Redskins jersey and a pair of jeans ripped at the knees. She looked ready for a football game. Spencer glanced down at his wardrobe again and frowned. He looked like he was ready for a chess match.

"I didn't … I wasn't sure … what to wear," he said nervously.

"You look great," she said with that stunning smile. "Don't worry about it."

It wasn't long before they were at the game. J.J. enjoyed a hotdog and a beer, while Spencer had a hotdog and water. He fidgeted in his seat most of the game. The screaming around him was distracting and there wasn't a soul around him who looked like him.

At one point, he overheard the two men behind him laughing at his wardrobe and wondering how he had landed a date with J.J. One of them swore he was J.J.'s brother and the other guy insisted Spencer was gay. It really bruised his already fragile ego.

J.J. was wonderful though. She tried to engage him constantly in conversation and tried to explain what was happening in the game. By the time he caught on the game was over. At the end of the night, he dropped her off at home and was thrilled when she gave him a small kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you for a great night," she said. "I don't have a lot of friends because of our job. So, it was nice being able to spend time with you outside the office. I hope we can do this again sometime."

Spencer nodded with an awkward, but thrilled smile.

"Yes, I would like that."

"See you Monday?"

He nodded and walked off as she closed the door. He was walking but felt like he was flying. Jennifer Jereau was everything he ever dreamed of and more. He was head over heels for her. But life got in the way.

Besides the debacle of Elle being shot and then leaving the team in a questionable manner, Spencer had been taken during a case that left a large wedge between the two. J.J. blamed herself for allowing them to split up. Her gut told her no, but her inexperience got in the way. If she would've stayed with him, he wouldn't have been taken.

Spencer, on the other hand, was so damaged from the days of torture, he continued his drug habit of Dilaudid even after being rescued. He pushed J.J. away so she wouldn't see the monster he was becoming and by the time he made the decision to get help, J.J. found solace in the arms of another man.

He remembered the first time he found out she was seeing Will. He wanted to throw up. Emily, Morgan, and Garcia talked about it with enthusiasm and joy, while Spencer felt his heart shatter into pieces.

If he hadn't been an addict, he wouldn't have lost her. Now she was flying off any chance she got to see this man and he was still at home pining for her. The nail in the coffin was the day Will announced she was pregnant with his child. It took all he had in him not to collapse right there, in the middle of the police station.

He faked a smile and congratulated them both, but he couldn't get out of that station quick enough. Normally, he wasn't one to drive, but he was so desperate to get away from there that he got keys from Hotch and took one of the SUV's. He drove to an empty parking lot, pulled over, and let himself grieve.

His J.J. was now someone else's. The dream of marrying her, of having kids with her … all gone. He berated himself for being so stupid to think that someone as drop dead gorgeous as her would ever be able to love someone as dorky as him. The only thing that stopped his tears was the call that one of his teammates may have been involved in a bombing.

(xxxxx)

Present Day …

Spencer found himself reminiscing all the years he had with J.J. He was thankful that at least they had remained friends all these years, best friends for that matter. J.J. let him into her world and named him Godfather for both her boys, whom he loved dearly. It was the best he could hope for considering.

He decided that he was able to suppress his love for her all of these years and he could do it again. He would just pretend nothing happened between them in that jewelry store. He was good at pretending everything was ok. He'd been doing that since he was a child.

This way, no one got hurt, and he still would be able to be a part of J.J.'s life. Yes, this was the perfect plan. Except that it wasn't. He couldn't unhear what she said and no matter how hard they both tried, it wasn't able to go back into hiding. The secret was out, and it changed something between them. Something that would change everyone's lives.


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't know what to do," Spencer sighed. "I keep trying to forget about it, but I can't and it's different now. Everything that I felt before … it's amplified now. Like I was always happy to see her, but now my heart flutters and I get this weird feeling in my stomach. And I've always been protective of her, but now it is physically painful thinking about her safety. I just don't know what to do."

Spencer sat on a plastic swing, slowly moving himself back and forth, though his feet didn't leave the ground.

"I know the feeling, though I can't imagine the pain of not being able to express that love you feel."

Spencer looked to his right at Derek Morgan, who was pushing Hank in faded green baby swing. The repetitive squeak of the rusted metal slightly annoyed Spencer.

"I don't know that there is an easy solution to this. No matter what the outcome, someone is going to have a broken heart."

"Well, that's helpful. You don't think I figured that out on my own," Spencer snapped.

There were a few moments of awkward silence with only the sound of the squeaky swing.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," Spencer apologized.

"I know. I wish there was more I could do," Derek replied.

"You've listened and I appreciate that."

"You know I'm always here for you and for the record, Will is a good guy, but if I had a say, I would want you to be with J.J. I was always jealous of the bond you two shared."

"You and Garcia were one flirt away from being porn," Spencer said.

Derek burst out in laughter, startling Hank who had begun to doze off.

"Sorry little man," Derek said as he picked his son up and rocked him, all while still chuckling. "Nah, what Garcia and I had was playful. She is a fine ass woman, don't get me wrong, but we weren't meant to be together. She wasn't my twin flame."

Spencer looked at Derek who was smiling at him knowingly.

"Yea, I listened to Emily's speech and don't think I didn't catch you and J.J. glancing at one another."

"So … you knew?"

"We've all known. Everyone has seen it. That being said, I don't think any of us thought J.J. would've ever admitted to it. Nor would we have guessed you would be in the middle of this difficult love triangle."

Spencer groaned as he slumped against the swing post.

"A love triangle. That sounds so sleazy. I can't be that guy Morgan. I can't be the guy who breaks up a family. I hate that I love her so much and that I want to be with her, but I hate knowing I won't do anything about it more because it's not right."

Derek reached out and placed his free hand on Spencer's shoulder, squeezing gently.

"Listen, I know you don't plan on it, you're right, you are a good guy … but if something happens on J.J.'s end and she ends things with Will and comes looking for you … it's ok to accept it. It doesn't make you a bad person. You deserve to find happiness and when it comes knocking, don't give up on it because you think it'll make you a bad guy."

"I guess," Spencer shrugged.

"Come on. Let's go put Hank down for a nap and I'll make us something to eat."

Spencer nodded and followed his friend out of the park.

(xxxxx)

Things continued to be awkward between J.J. and Spencer. They both found themselves glancing and staring at one another. Though they worked side by side, the tension in the room could be cut with a knife. But Spencer was determined to remain as normal as possible around her.

Then it happened. The one thing that blew their entire 'pretend to be friends' routine right out of the water. They were on a case in D.C. regarding an unsub who had been mentally fucking with Rossi for some time. To top it off, the unsub dragged his daughter into the mix. Spencer and J.J. had separated at the garage entrance, something dangerously reminiscent of the time he had been taken by Hankel. He should have known better.

"J.J. he got away," Spencer said into his com-link. No response. "J.J. do you copy?"

When she didn't reply he ran into the parking garage. What he saw took away every rational thought in his high-functioning brain. He slid to his knees and looked down at J.J. as she gurgled and spit blood from her mouth.

His hand shook as he pressed it against the wound that was pouring a dangerous amount of blood out. Below her body was already a thick pool of blood that he was now kneeling in. He looked at her face as her eyes fluttered. She gasped his name.

"Shhh, it's going to be ok," he said before pressing his com-link. "J.J.'s been shot! We need medical immediately!"

He looked back down at J.J. He was going to lose her. She was going to die, and he would never have a chance to hold her, to love her.

"It's ok. You'll be ok. You have to be ok," he said as tears filled his eyes.

Before he knew it, the EMT's were pushing him away and hoisting J.J. onto the stretcher. He ran after them, not even waiting to be told if he could go. It seemed that Emily already knew that though and only hollered for him to keep her updated.

The ride to the hospital was a blur. The EMT's were prepping her with fluids and oxygen and at one point they cut her shirt open. He always dreamed of seeing her with her shirt open and now the first time is while she is hanging on for dear life. God had a sick sense of humor.

He trotted with the nurses as they hurried her to a room to assess her wound and the moment they got there he heard the long, high-pitched wail of a machine losing detection of a heartbeat. The nurse spun and told him he had better prepare for the worst and to get J.J.'s husband here quick.

He didn't want Will to come. He wanted to stay by J.J.'s side. He wanted the nurses to fix this so they could be together. So, he could tell her he was sorry and that he loved her too. Tears streamed down his cheek as he was ushered to the waiting room by staff.

(xxxxx)

Will came. It made Spencer feel like shit. He hated that he loved Will's wife. He hated every ounce of the fact that he had no control over it. He hated that he sat here praying for her to live so he could confess his feelings for her, all the while her husband sat there probably praying for the same thing.

At some point, Will had gone off to call the boys, so Spencer wandered down to the recovery room to see how J.J. was doing. She was still unconscious. The nurse stated that while she seemed to be recovering well, the extent of brain damage wouldn't be known until she woke up.

He stood next to her bed staring at her. She looked so peaceful. It was at that point, he lost it.

"I've tried to be strong. Not just today, but every day since you told me you loved me. I tried to pretend I could deal with it. That I was ok with the knowledge of you loving me, but us not being able to be together … but I'm not … I'm not ok with it. It hurts so much and … I almost lost you. I can't live without you."

He stopped to take a few deep breaths and wipe the tears from his cheeks.

"I know that you love Will and I know we can't be together … and I will make myself be ok with that … because I love you so much … I love you so much I will take you any way I can get you. Even if it means just being friends. Just please be ok … please get better … and don't leave me."

With that he lost it again. Tears streamed down his face as his body shook. He kneeled down and buried his face in the bed as he held her free hand. As he cried, J.J.'s eyes opened. She looked down at him and tried to hold back the tears forming in her eyes, her lip trembled.

Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't they have had their life together all those years ago, when things weren't as complicated. Why now was she stuck with the awful choice of hurting someone? She closed her eyes against reality. She needed more time to figure things out. She needed something or someone to tell her what to do. Something that would make this decision a lot easier.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: thank you everyone for your comments! I'm so glad to share a story with Jeid fans and I hope I do justice to it. I hope it's everything you dreamed of and more! xoxo_


	4. Chapter 4

J.J. was awake! The news reached everyone with a huge sigh of relief. Will hugged Spencer tightly when the news hit. The two hurried to the room to see her. Spencer stayed back as Will rushed in to kiss her. His hand gently stroking her hair.

"Gave us quite a fright, cher," Will whispered.

J.J. gave him a weak smile, but her eyes darted toward Spencer who was watching her. His face was pale and the pain in his eyes was gut-wrenching.

"I'm gonna go get the boys. They want to see you," Will said giving her another quick kiss. "Spencer, you ok if I run home real quick?"

He nodded at Will, who patted him on the shoulder before leaving the room. Spencer stared at his sneakers while J.J. adjusted things on her bed, that didn't need to be adjusted. She glanced up at him to see him peaking at her from under his lashes.

"How do you feel?" he asked in a soft, cracked voice.

"A little sore, but considering I'm ok," she replied.

Silence settled over the room. It seemed to tick on for minutes before J.J. finally broke the silence.

"I'm sorry."

Spencer's head snapped up and he looked at her with confusion.

"Sorry? What are you sorry for? I should have stayed with you. I shouldn't have let you go off on your own. If I would've been there –"

J.J. shook her head fervently.

"No, Spence, no. It was my fault for bending down to get the gun. It was a rookie move and that's not what I'm sorry for anyway."

"Oh?"

"I'm sorry for telling you I love you," she said.

Spencer's heart stopped. He was pretty sure it literally stopped, and he was going to need someone to come revive him. He felt as though all the wind had been knocked out of him. Like a sucker punch straight to the stomach. She must've noticed his expression drop.

"Not because I don't love you," she said quickly. "What I said I meant and I though I wish I hadn't said it, I stand behind it 100%."

"J.J. you aren't making sense," Spencer frowned.

J.J. rolled her eyes and took another deep, ragged, painful breath.

"I'm sorry because it has put you in an awful position. I'm sorry because it has caused you pain which was never my intention," she said as her lip trembled. "I want to be with you more than anything in this world. I want to go back in time and do everything different, but I can't. And now I'm left with this decision that is impossible to make because one person will walk away destroyed, while the other two will live with the guilt of the pain they caused someone."

"J.J. –"

"Please let me finish," she said as tears dripped from her radiant blue eyes. "I don't know what to do because I love Will and I have kids with him, but how do I just pretend that I'm not wishing to be with you? How do I just pretend that when I was dying all I could think about was how we never got the chance to love one another. To be something amazing together. Is that any more fair to Will?"

Spencer wiped at his eyes and sniffled as he listened to her saying the words he'd always wanted to hear. And yet, he still didn't feel good about it. It still didn't feel as blissful as his dreams.

"I don't know what to do. All I know is I love you so much and it's impossible to ignore," she whimpered.

"Well, it seems we have a lot to talk about."

Spencer and J.J. looked horrified to the entrance of the room as Will appeared. He looked as pale and shaken as they both were.

"Will," J.J. murmured.

"I don't think this is the time to discuss this," Will interrupted, his voice wavering. "I came back to get my keys."

He pointed to the nightstand next to J.J. He must've placed them down during one of his visits into her room.

"Will, I'm sorry, I … I didn't want it to be like this …" J.J. said as tears streamed down her face.

Will stood up with glassy eyes.

"Me too," he muttered. "I'm gonna go get the boys."

Spencer couldn't find the words to say. He wondered if he should run after Will or leave or stay? He didn't know what to do. He looked at J.J. who had covered her face and was crying inconsolably. Did he go soothe her? What in the world was he to do?

"I … I … need …"

With a surge of his stomach, he rushed from the room to find a bathroom. Once he took care of that, maybe he would be able to think clearer.

(xxxxx)

The porch lights flickered on and the door swung open.

"Reid? What's wrong?"

"Everything," he whimpered before covering his face in embarrassment.

"Come on. Come inside. I'll make you some coffee."

15 minutes later, Spencer had calmed down enough to tell Derek everything that happened. He was now staring at his coffee watching the creamer swirl. Derek sat across the table with his arms folded over his chest, letting it all sink in.

"Wow, that is a shit ton of emotions to deal with in one day," Derek sighed.

Spencer nodded and gave a humorless chuckle.

"Well, my advice now, back off."

Spencer's head shot up stunned.

"Right now, Will needs to process it all. You and J.J. have had months to deal with these emotions. Will just went from nearly losing his wife to a gunshot wound, to now possibly losing her to you. He's going to be full of anger and pain and he will take that out on you."

"As he should," Spencer muttered.

"Maybe, but in my opinion, life is never simple. We are complex human beings who are always changing and adapting. Is it really that far out to believe that two people, who are as close and together as often as you and J.J. are, fell in love? It's been 15 years of you two being side by side for more than 75% of your days. Can anyone really claim surprise that you fell for each other?"

"So, what does that mean?"

"It means, right now, let J.J. and Will deal with this. Let them figure out what they are going to do. Let them process what this means for them and when the time comes, J.J. will find you."

"I feel like I need to tell Will that I didn't mean for any of this to happen. That I'm sorry for everything," Spencer said as he wiped at his clouded eyes.

"You'll get your chance, but it won't mean anything to him now. It's just words that remind him off what he's losing. Listen to my advice and avoid them both for now. They need to work this out by themselves."

It was hard to hear, but he trusted Derek's advice. He was too wrapped up in emotion right now to think rationally. It might be a good idea to take some time off to visit his mom. He would work until J.J.'s return and then take a week to see how his mom was doing. He wanted to do something right by Will. Hopefully, this would help … a little.


	5. Chapter 5

J.J. was exhausted. Besides the physical recovery process, the emotional recovery process was taxing. The latter proved to be a lot more intense and draining. During her three-week medical leave, Will and she hashed out their relationship. There were lots of tears, arguing, name-calling, apologies, and awkward moments.

The boys had been sent to spend some time with J.J.'s mom, while she "recovered". Will was on a terrible roller coaster that was eating J.J. alive. The pain of watching him try anything he could to keep their family together was excruciating. One-minute pleading with her, the next minute bashing Spencer and his lack of social graces. While there were times she hollered back, internally she knew she deserved his wrath and she hurt to see him so lost.

It was the last night before the boys returned home and she returned to work. They had been sitting quietly at the dinner table, both pushing around the food, barely eating any of it. J.J. peaked up at him through her lashes with a frown. She hated the pain written all over his face. She slowly placed her fork down and sighed.

"I'm sorry. For everything. All of this is my fault and I put you both in the middle of this awful situation. I know it means nothing, but I never wanted things to end up this way. I intended to take that secret with me to the grave," she sniffled.

"Did you ever love me?" Will asked as he sat back in his chair.

"Yes," she said softly.

"But?"

"No buts. I did and do love you," she replied.

"Then why? Why are you willing to throw this all away?" he said wetly.

"I tried to make this work. I really did. Even from the start. I met you when I was trying to run away from my feelings with Spencer and then we got pregnant with Henry and it complicated everything. I knew I loved you and that you would be an amazing husband and father, as you have been, so I just went with what was safe. I figured Spencer and I were just not meant to be."

Will wiped at his jaw with his hand and shook his head.

"I just can't believe none of this was real," he said.

"It was real, Will. I never lied to you –"

"Never lied? Jennifer, you were in love with another man the entire time we were together. How is that not a lie?" he said raising his voice.

"Because I was lying to myself, not you. The things I said to you, the things we've done together, the family we built, all of that is real. It's all things I wanted to have with you. I never pretended you were Spencer. I never strayed from you and I never said anything to you that I didn't mean.

"When I say I thought you were my endgame, I meant that. I truly believed we would be together the rest of our lives. I had never planned or imagined otherwise. What happened that night was unexpected and now that the truth is out for everyone, I can't just pretend it never happened. I can't hide my feelings anymore.

"And honestly, would you want me to? Would you be able to stay with me and never think about what was said? Things aren't the same anymore. I have completely ruined that and for that I am truly sorry. The pain I'm causing everyone is not taken lightly by any means."

There was an awkward silence as J.J. dabbed at the tears in her eyes and Will shifted uncomfortably in the wooden chair.

"Ok, so what do we do? Where do we go from here?"

"I caused all of this, so it's only fair that you keep the house. Stay here or sell it, I will sign over all rights to you. I don't need or want anything from you, other than 50/50 custody of the boys."

"So, this is really happening?" Will said as a tear slipped down his cheek.

J.J. couldn't find the words to speak, so she nodded before wiping at her own set of tears.

"Are you going to move in with Spencer?" Will asked, though his face showed just how much he didn't really want to hear that answer.

"No. I'm not sure what's going to happen between us. I haven't heard or seen him since the hospital. He left right after you did and that was it," she said as her lips turned up into a shaky smile that didn't match her emotions.

"Well … he'd be a fool to let you go," Will said before standing up.

"Will, whatever happens it won't be immediate. Losing this … losing you … losing us … this isn't something that is easy. I need time to mourn what I've done."

"Not sure if that makes me feel good or not, but I suppose that's probably best for the boys," he said. "Goodnight."

J.J. watched as the man she called husband, slowly walked away into a new reality of ex-husband. She lifted her trembling hand to her mouth and silently sobbed.

(xxxxx)

J.J. returned to work and was heartbroken to find out that Spencer had taken a two-week leave starting that day. He must've known she was coming back. Why was he avoiding her? She tried to remain focused and unaware, but she knew the others were watching her. She knew they knew everything. She was slipping into a deep depression and wondered if any of this had been worth it. She even found herself wishing she would have died when she was shot, which was a horrifying thought when she had kids who needed her.

Henry was taking the separation hard. As expected, he wondered at first if it was something he and Michael had done wrong. Despite Will being angry about the separation, he handled the kids with the dignity and grace she always admired about him. He never brought Spencer into the conversation and insisted that everything would be ok between him and J.J.

That even though they were not together anymore, they would still be at all his games and school functions. They would celebrate his birthday together and anytime he wanted to see one of the parents, they would make sure to find a way to make it happen. And J.J. believed he meant that.

After work she stood outside the familiar blue door and stared at it. He was probably gone already. Emily said he had gone to see his mom. She was about to turn around and leave when the door swung open. Spencer yelped as J.J. jumped.

"J.J., what are you doing here?" he said in his high-pitched startled voice.

"Oh, um, I'm sorry. I … Emily said you were going to see your mom. I just … I was worried … is she alright?"

"Oh, no, she's fine. It's just been a while, I thought I'd check up on her," he said as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Ok, I just thought maybe –" J.J. trailed off.

"Maybe what?" Spencer asked.

"That you were trying to avoid me," she said peering up at him.

He shook his head no but looked down at his feet. Her heart plummeted. He was ignoring her.

"I don't understand. I thought you felt the same," she said as her voice quivered.

His head shot up at this and he looked surprised.

"I do, God, J.J. you are all I've ever wanted," he said sincerely.

"Then why are you avoiding me? Why are you running from me?"

"Because I don't know what to do. I'm in the middle of a moral dilemma here. I want nothing more than to sweep you into my arms and kiss you, but the guilt I feel is real and its intense and I can't just ignore it," he said as his face wrinkled with distress.

J.J. reached out and gently laid her hand on his arm.

"I understand. I'm not trying to push you into something, I'm not ready for that either, but I needed to know if there was a chance in the future," she said.

His expression softened as his other hand reached out to lay over the one on his arm.

"Jennifer, it's always been you. I've never wanted anyone else and I never will. I don't know when this will feel ok, but I will be there waiting when that time comes," he said with a gentle smile.

J.J. nodded and they shuffled awkwardly for a moment. Neither sure what to do. J.J. pulled her hand back and ran a hand through her hair. She licked her lips and took a breath.

"I just … I need one thing before I go."

"What's that?"

Without a word, she stepped forward and pressed her lips to his. There was a second of hesitation, before she felt his hands cup her cheeks, his head tilt, and their lips slot together perfectly. A few gentle nips and Spencer stepped back. Both of their eyes, half opened and slightly glazed.

"Wow," he said barely above his breath.

"That moment will need to carry me through for now," she said before shyly glancing over her shoulder and then back at him. "I should go. Be safe."

"I will."

She watched him as she walked down the flight of stairs until she couldn't see him anymore. She lifted her hands to her lips and felt a giddy smile stretching across them. She couldn't wait until the day they could be more.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: THANK YOU so much to my reviewers! You guys seriously made my day! I am so happy most of you are enjoying this story!_ xoxo


	6. Chapter 6

Days went by and soon months since J.J. had kissed Spencer. They fell back into their normal roles at work, but it felt different and not a good different. J.J. grew quieter and more reserved. The guilt of what she had done to her family was crippling and sometimes it felt as if she did it for nothing, since Spencer still avoided anything more than work with her.

She spent most of her nights crying herself to sleep and then waking due to a bad dream with no one to turn to. She started to withdrawal from everyone and everything. She was looking skinnier than usual and if anyone noticed, they didn't say anything.

One night after the boys had gone to bed, J.J. curled up on the couch to watch tv when she began crying. They loneliness aching in her chest. As lay feeling sorry for herself, she heard a sound behind her. She sat up wiping her eyes and looked over the couch to see Henry watching her from the shadows.

"Hey bud, you alright?" she asked as she muted the tv and pretended she was ok.

Henry shook his head.

"Come here," J.J. said as she patted the seat next to her. "Come talk to me."

Henry shuffled over to the couch and sat down, his feet crisscrossing on the cushions beneath him. He shook his blond hair out of his face and looked sadly at his mom.

"Did you have a bad dream?" J.J. asked as she reached out to help brush his hair from his eyes.

His hair was so fine, it always slid back into whatever position it wanted to be in. Tonight, it wanted to cover one of Henry's eyes. They both gave up the effort.

"No."

"Then what's wrong, you can talk to me," she assured him.

"Why are you crying so much?" he asked point blank.

J.J. sighed.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry you heard that. It's nothing, just boring grown up stuff," she said with a fake smile.

"About Dad and Uncle Spencer?"

J.J.'s smile dropped, and her eyes widened.

"I've overheard things … enough to know that you left Dad because you are in love with Uncle Spencer," he explained.

"Oh boy," J.J. said leaning back into the couch cushions. "Henry, I'm sorry you heard any of that. I want you to know that I do love your father and it's complicated …"

"It's ok. I'm not mad at you. Dad kinda explained it to me. It's like how I used to love to play baseball, but now I love to play football. He said it doesn't mean I love baseball it just means I found something I love differently."

"Interesting way to put it," J.J. replied, feeling grateful for Will's kindness that she didn't deserve.

"But what I don't understand is, if you left Dad because you love Uncle Spencer, how come he never comes over anymore? Does he not love you back or does he not want to be a part of our family?"

"No, not at all Henry. He loves you and Michael so much, it's not that at all. Uncle Spencer … he … we both … I don't really know how to explain it. Like I said, it's complicated."

"But you cry all the time. If Uncle Spencer would make you stop crying, why are you not together?"

"There's a lot to think about. Dad's life has been turned upside down, as have yours and Michael's. The guilt that brings is awful –" J.J. said as her eyes teared up.

"Then what was all of this for? If you left Dad, just to be alone and cry all the time, what was the point of leaving him? You could've just stayed with him and not cried," Henry said with a little bit of anger.

"I understand it sounds simple, but –"

"It is simple, Mom. Grown-ups always make things so hard. Tell Uncle Spencer you love him and then let him make you happy. If you don't like baseball anymore, just play football!"

J.J. laughed as she reached over and pulled Henry into her arms. She kissed the top of his head as she held him close.

"When did you become so wise?" she whispered.

"I was just born this way."

J.J. chuckled as she began to tickle him. He squealed and squirmed all over the couch. After a moment, she stopped and gave Henry another kiss.

"Ok, Ghandi, time for bed," she said.

"Who is Ghandi?" he asked as he stood up and they walked toward his room.

"Not so wise after all," she teased.

Henry giggled as he climbed into bed and J.J. tucked him in. She bent over and pressed her lips to his forehead.

"I love you more than the world," she said.

"I know. I love you too," he said as he rolled onto his side.

"Sleep well, little moon."

"Night Mom."

(xxxxx)

J.J. stood at the park waiting for Will to pick up the boys. She had been called in for a case and he offered to meet her near work to make it easier for her. She was watching Henry teach Michael how to swing on the monkey bars, when Will appeared beside her. She glanced his way with a half-smile.

"Thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it," she said.

"No problem," he replied not looking her way.

"I also wanted to thank you," she began, catching his attention. "Henry and I had a talk the other night and … you've been so great through all of this … I don't deserve your kindness."

She lifted a shaking hand to her face and wiped away a stray tear.

"Jennifer, I'm not happy about this. I'm not going to pretend otherwise, that being said, those boys did nothing wrong and I will never put them in the middle of our disagreements. They deserve to feel equally loved and to know that no matter what we both support them and each other. I will never disrespect you."

J.J. began to cry harder than she intended.

"I feel awful. Every minute of every day, I feel like a monster," she wept.

"You aren't a monster Jen. What happened between us isn't something that hasn't happened to thousands of others and once I get through my resentment, I'll see that you never meant for any of this to happen. I appreciate that you never cheated on me and you were honest with your feelings. I know that wasn't … isn't easy on you. I still don't like any of this and I hate knowing that some other man is going to hold you …" he stopped and swallowed the lump in his throat.

"But my Daddy raised me to be an honorable man and I will continue to do so, if for no other reason than those boys."

"I wish it were different. I really do. You are an amazing man –"

Will held up his hand to stop her.

"Please don't. I don't want to hear those things. Let's just keep things civil as we have been and keep the conversations strictly related to the boys."

J.J. nodded as she wiped her face.

"Ok," she sniffled. "I should … go. Thanks again. I'll let you know when I'm on my way back."

Will nodded. J.J. called out her goodbyes to the boys, who ran over to give her hugs and kisses. She waved goodbye to Will before walking away.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: you guys – the comments you have been sending me are amazing! I am so honored by your kind words and am thrilled you are enjoying my stories. I will try to release another chapter tonight if I don't get too tired! Thank you! xoxo_


	7. Chapter 7

What was it about their lives that things could never go smoothly for long? They had just landed and were being shuttled to the police station when it happened. The first SUV held Lt. John Pensky who was driving Emily, Rossi, Tara, and Matt. The second SUV held Lt. Brandon Carlson who was driving Spencer, J.J., and Luke.

Everything seemed normal until a truck came out of nowhere drilling the first SUV's side. J.J. gasped from the front seat as the SUV in front of them flipped and rolled off the road. Lt. Brandon started to slam on the breaks when a cloud of smoke exploded in the vehicle.

"What the –" Luke cried out.

"Open the doors!" Spencer hollered.

"It's locked!" J.J. said as she started to grow dizzy.

She heard mumbling from the backseat when she felt a pinch and lost consciousness.

(xxxxx)

J.J.'s eyes fluttered open. She was cold and confused. Her heart raced as she tried to clear her mind. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. Her body shaking as she tried to wrap her arms around herself to keep warm.

As she became more aware of her surroundings, she noticed she was on a cement floor, maybe in a warehouse or basement. She was in a cell of some sort. Similar to jail only there were bars all the way around and she was able to see, Spencer and Luke locked in similar cages. They were both unconscious on the floor.

She stood up with shaky legs and walked over to Spencer's cage. She held onto the bars for support as she tried to find her bearings.

"Spence, Spence wake up," she said too soft for her effort.

She was about to try again when she heard someone coming into the room. She panicked and dropped to floor pretending to be unconscious. Through her hair splayed over her face, she watched a man walk into the room with a phone to his ear.

"Still out. How much longer til you get here?"

There was a bit of silence as the man listened to the person on the other end of the phone. She heard a sound to her right. Someone was waking up. She wanted to stop them, but the man already noticed.

"Oh, we have a live one. Looks like Dr. Reid is waking up," he said almost joyfully. "I know, I know. Relax. I won't do anything. Just hurry up, please. Yea, yea, I got it." He hung up the phone. "Bitch."

By now, Spencer was becoming more alert.

"Welcome Dr. Reid," the man said.

"Lt. Carlson?" Spencer said in a fog of confusion.

J.J. wanted to sit up. They'd been set up! Was Lt. Pensky in on it too? Were the others ok?

"What are you doing?" Spencer said still trying to fully come to.

"In due time, Dr. Reid. For now, enjoy your accommodations and let me know if there's anything you need," Carlson said with jest.

J.J. watched as Carlson turned and walked from the room.

"J.J., wake up," Spencer said as he scooted to her side of the cage.

"I'm awake already," she said lifting her head to see him peering at her through the bars.

"Are you ok?"

"I think so. I'm a little shaky and nauseous," she said sitting up.

"Probably used halothane. Here," he said as he slipped his jacket off and pushed it through the bars.

J.J. gave him a grateful smile as she slipped her arms into his jacket. She was happy to feel warmth, but more so to feel like he was wrapped around her. She took a deep breath and let his scent linger and calm her.

They both looked at the sound of Luke rousing. He groaned as he rolled around on the floor, trying to fully wake. Spencer stood up and walked over to Luke's side.

"Luke, it's Spencer, are you alright?"

Luke looked over towards Spencer's voice with squinted eyes. He blinked rapidly and then wiped at his eyes.

"What happened?"

"We were drugged, my guess halothane and some other drug injected," Spencer said as he rubbed at the pin prick on his neck.

"J.J.?"

"I'm right here. I'm alright," she called out to him.

"Lt. Carlson has us locked up somewhere. He ambushed us," Spencer told Luke.

"The others?"

"Don't know. Not here that I'm aware of," Spencer replied.

"Someone else is coming. I heard him on the phone. That person is the ringleader. Carlson is just the puppet," J.J. said as she tucked her legs close to her chest and wrapped her jacket around her knees.

Luke stood up and was shaking off the remaining fog that lingered, while Spencer stepped up to the cage door and examined it.

"Doesn't look like escaping will be an option," he frowned.

"We have to hope the others are alright and will find us," Luke said.

"What do we do?" J.J. said nervously.

"Well, for now, all we can do is wait and try to pick up on anything that could help us," Spencer said looking her way with sadness in his eyes.

(xxxxx)

Hours had ticked by. J.J. was still shivering as Spencer tried to hold her through the bars to give her additional body heat. Luke was leaning against the bars staring around the room, his face filled with anger.

There was a sound of someone walking toward the room. Spencer moved away from J.J. to stand up, she followed suit along with Luke. They all stood still, staring into the darkened hallway until a woman emerged.

"You've got to be kidding me," Luke said with irritation.

The woman smiled and flipped her silky black hair behind her shoulder. She was clearly freshly showered, wearing boots, black pants, and a tight black t-shirt. The color was fitting. J.J. glanced at Spencer whose eyes were burning with fire. His entire body stiff, his hands in tight fists.

"Surprise! Happy to see me?" she grinned, her stare directly on Spencer.

"When are you going to give up?" Luke growled.

"How'd you get out?" Spencer sneered.

"It wasn't easy. I had to do a lot of things I didn't want to do, but it was worth it," she smiled.

She walked off to the side before dragging a chair over and plopping down on it. She smiled as she leaned back comfortably.

"So, let's catch up, shall we?" she said bubbly.

Spencer stared her down. His eyes barely blinking.

"Come on, let's hear all about Spencer Reid's life since prison. Have you been a good boy since we last talked?"

Her eyes sparkled as she watched him. She slowly turned to J.J.

"Long time no see Blondie."

"Cat," J.J. said curtly.

"How's the family?"

"If you lay a finger on them –" J.J. said as she stepped to the front of the cage, hands wrapping around the bars.

Cat waved her hand dismissively.

"I'm not interested in them," she looked back to Spencer. "How's your mom?"

Spencer's features hardened.

"Tell her I said hi … oh wait, she probably doesn't remember me," she said.

"What do you want from me?" Spencer asked.

Cat stood up and walked closer to his cage.

"I don't answer questions, unless they are done in the form of a game," she said with a smile.

"I'm not playing anymore of your stupid games," Spencer said.

Cat let out a laugh.

"Oh, Spencie, there's that humor I love so much. Like you have a choice," she said. "But don't worry, you won't be the only one playing. I have two more contestants this time! It'll be double the fun!"

"Leave them out of this!"

Cat sighed. "Again, it's like you've forgotten who I am. Is that Alzheimer's kicking in early?"

Cat turned and headed for the exit.

"If I were you, I'd get as much rest as you can. Tomorrow the games begin. Sleep well."

With that she disappeared down the darkened hallway. J.J. turned her attention to Spencer who was now angrily pacing.

"Don't let her get to you," J.J. said as she reached through the bars for him. "She feeds off of that."

"I hate her! I hate her so much! You should've let me kill her when I had the chance!" Spencer said through his teeth.

"That's not you, though. Remember, that's what she wants from you. That's how she wins. You can't let her win."

He stopped pacing, his body sagging in helplessness.

"She gets to me," he said with a broken voice.

"Luke and I are here this time. We won't let her break you. You've beaten her before, and you'll do it again. You are stronger than her," J.J. assured him.

"Three against one, Reid. She's going to lose," Luke added.

He looked to Luke and then back to J.J. before nodding.

"I hate to say it, but she's right about one thing," Luke said catching their attention. "We should try to rest. I don't think she'd try anything, and we need to be at our strongest, mentally and physically."

J.J. and Spencer nodded their reluctant agreement. As if on cue, Lt. Carlson returned with a pile of blankets in his arm. He shoved the thin material and tiny sized pillows through the bars. They looked and smelled disgusting, but it was better than nothing.

"Sleep tight, my friends. Tomorrow will be an exciting day," he said before leaving.

Luke took his pillow and blanket to the back of the cage and settled down.

"Stay near me?" J.J. whispered to Spencer in a panic. "Please."

He nodded as he walked to the back corner of his cage. He placed his body against the bars facing J.J.'s cage, where she mirrored his position. They stared at one another before J.J. felt herself getting choked up.

"It's ok," Spencer whispered.

J.J. sniffled as Spencer reached a hand into her cage. She pressed her forehead against the bars and entwined her hand with his. He gently pulled her hand through the bars and pressed his lips to the back of her hand.

"I won't let anything happen to you," he said softly.

J.J. gave him a small smile, before they closed their eyes and tried to sleep. They needed to be at their best tomorrow if they were going to survive this.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: Again, THANK YOU for the amazing comments! It fills my heart with so much happiness and it encourages me to keep writing! Felt inspired by next weeks episode to add Cat into the story. It won't last long though, I just needed something to happen to bring them together finally. So expect lots of good things coming!_


	8. Chapter 8

Spencer was snapped out of his fitful sleep by something whacking the side of his head. He popped up, blurry eyed to see Carlson placing something into his cage. He looked beside himself to see an energy bar on the floor, the item that bounced off his head.

"Rise and shine, kids. Almost game time."

As Carlson finished placing a bottle of water in each of their cages, J.J. and Luke had woken and were wiping the sleep from their eyes. From the looks of it, neither of them slept well either. Once the water was placed, Carlson turned and left the room without another word.

Spencer looked to J.J. who was rubbing a kink out of her neck. She looked to him and offered a small smile that he returned. The sound of paper unwrapping could be heard behind him. Spencer looked over his shoulder to see Luke smelling the energy bar. He looked to Spencer and shrugged before eating it.

"I doubt she'd go through all the trouble of caging us if she planned on taking us out by energy bar," Spencer said as he began opening his.

"Let's hope," J.J. sighed as she too opened hers.

(xxxxx)

They were all alert and sitting quietly at the back of their cages when the sound of boots echoed down the dark hallway. Moments later Cat emerged in a pair of tight blue jeans, a tight black t-shirt, and her hair up in a messy ponytail. If she weren't the scourge of the Earth, she would easily be described as sexy.

"How did everyone sleep?" she said enthusiastically.

No one responded. They all stared back at her, already done with her bullshit.

"I slept like a baby," she grinned.

"Where's the rest of them?" Spencer asked emotionlessly.

"Them? Them who?" Cat said, playing dumb.

"Our team. Where are they?"

"Oh, them, yeah, they won't be coming," Cat said as she sat in her chair from the day before.

"What's the supposed to mean?" Spencer asked as J.J. put a hand to her mouth.

"It means exactly what you think it means genius," she said with an annoyed look. "They're dead. Road kill. Buh-bye."

J.J. let out a small gasp.

"Liar," Spencer said, though anger burned through his veins.

"You wish I was," Cat said casually.

"Prove it," Spencer said getting up.

"What? You want me to drive you to their bodies?" Cat said almost bored.

"Show us on your phone. The news. If they were dead it would be in the news," he insisted as he now wrapped his hands angrily around the bars of his cage.

"The news would only know if the bodies were found, Spencer. Duh," she said rolling her eyes.

"They would be reporting missing then. Either way, the news would have a report on them," Spencer said.

"Fair enough … I could do that," she said lifting a finger to her chin thoughtfully. "Or … I could make it part of our game and you need to earn seeing that information."

"I knew you were lying," he said. "You're just stalling for more time."

"I have all the time in the world," Cat said leaning back in her chair.

(xxxxx)

Thirty minutes later, Spencer, Luke, and J.J. had their wrists handcuffed to one of the bars of their cage, so they couldn't move from where they stood. They also all had a black collar around their neck, similar to one you might see on a dog being trained.

"One of the things I adore about you Spencie is your brains," Cat said as she reached out and ran her fingers seductively along his bound hands. "It's always been a fun challenge to try and trip you up mentally. That being said, in all honesty, I am a little tired of how good you are at it and since we have new players this time around, I'm going to need to even the playing field."

They heard the sound of something being wheeled toward them from the hallway. A large board emerged from the shadows covered in different colors and categories that resembled the set up for Jeopardy.

"Trivia? You think that's going to trip me up?" Spencer said with a furrowed brow.

Cat and Carlson let out a laugh that honestly sent a small amount of chill down his spine. She was devious. Nothing was ever as it seemed with her.

"This is more than your average trivia, Spencie," Cat said as she fluttered her eyes. "This is trick or treat trivia. Behind each card there could be a treat or a trick. If you get the answer right, you can choose the trick or treat. If you get the answer wrong, I get to pick."

"What happens if we win?" Luke asked.

"Then I show you your dead friends," she said with a sickening smile.

"And if you win?" Spencer asked.

"Then one of you dies … and let's be honest, you two both know it won't be Spencer," she said glancing at J.J. and then, Luke.

"We won't lose," Spencer growled.

"We will see, won't we," Cat said as she signaled for Carlson to do his job.

Carlson held his hand out to J.J. She looked to see three straws looking back at her. She moved as far as her locked wrists would let her and grabbed a straw. Next was Spencer and then Luke. Cat looked down the line and grinned.

"Looks like chipmunk is up first. Oh, I also forgot to tell you, there is no helping one another, you have less than a minute to answer, and you are each assigned a color. Chipmunk you are green, blondie, obviously, yellow, and Spencie red, for passion," she said seductively.

Spencer rolled his eyes.

"Let's just get on with it," he said.

"Ok, Chipmunk you're up first. Which category would you like?"

"Geography," he said, clearly unamused by Cat's antics.

"Great choice," Cat said as she lifted the question off the board. "Where is Timbuktu?"

"Mali," he answered swiftly.

"Wow, sexy and smart. Looks like you are one up on genius over there," Cat said. "So that's 100 points and now it's time for your trick or treat. Chipmunk you can be rewarded with an extra turn OR you can spin the wheel of doom."

"Now it makes sense. Not much of a treat either way. Ok, I'll take the extra turn."

"Great, geography again?"

"Sure."

"What is the capital of Malawi?"

Luke looked to Spencer.

"Remember no helping or you all get penalized," Cat reminded.

"I don't know," Luke said looking back to Cat.

"Lilongwe," Cat said as though it were obvious. "Ok, so now I get to pick between your treat or trick. The treat is a bowl of fresh fruit. The trick is … ohhh I'm going to go with that one."

With that Cat stood up and grabbed a tray with three boxes on it. She walked over to stand in front of Luke.

"Pick one," she said sweetly.

Luke looked at her and then the boxes. Finally, he pointed to one in the middle. Cat walked back to the table and placed the tray on it. She lifted the lid to the box and reached inside, pulling out a small remote. She looked up with a sparkle in her devilish eyes.

"On the count of three, let's see what this button does, shall we?" she looked to Carlson who smiled back at her.

Spencer looked to J.J. who looked terrified. He wished he could hold her, protect her, anything. But he was stuck to these bars and he didn't want to reveal his feelings for her in front of Cat. That would only make things 100 times worse for J.J.

"1 … 2 … 3 …" Cat and Carlson counted in unison.

Cat pressed the button.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: sorry for the delay. Took time to think of a good game for Cat to play that would be able to incorporate the others. I hope you are enjoying it and I, again, can't thank you guys enough for the awesome comments! I'm so glad my Jeid shippers are happy! Don't worry, next chapter will be up a lot quicker – maybe even tonight!_


	9. Chapter 9

The room filled with a scream of anguish. Spencer and Luke looked to J.J. who was writhing in pain as the collar around her neck sent bolts of electricity through her body. Spencer tried desperately to get closer to her, while Luke shouted for Cat to stop pressing the button.

"Well that was a shocking surprise," Cat smirked as she let go of the remote.

J.J. shivered from her half bent over position. Her arms above her head, trapped with the cage bar in the middle. Her head hung as she as she tried to catch her breath. Her knees bent toward her face.

"J.J.," Spencer murmured helplessly.

"I'm ok," she said through gritted teeth.

She slowly stood up, though her muscles ached from the shock. She glared through the bars at Cat, who was watching her with an amused expression.

"I'm fine," she said.

She wouldn't let Cat see her weak. She would fight through all of her stupid games and hope that at some point, she would get the honor of killing her.

"Atta girl. Show those men who's the strongest," Cat said before turning her attention to Spencer. "We'll just let her recover for a few minutes. Why don't you go ahead next?"

Spencer stared at her with disgust before turning his attention to her game board. He looked over the categories.

"History."

"When was the declaration of independence signed?" Cat said as she tapped the card in her hand.

"While everyone believes July 4, 1776 was the day the declaration of independence was signed, it was actually only approved by Congress on that date. It wasn't actually signed until August 2, 1776."

"Correct," Cat said as she clapped for him. "200 points for your team. Are you ready for your choices?"

Spencer didn't reply. He knew whatever was on that card was going to be hell for him either way.

"Let's see, your treat is … ohhh … ohhh my," she said feigning surprise. "Your treat is you get to kiss me."

"I'll take the trick," he interrupted.

"If you choose the trick, Blondie here gets another zap," Cat said with a smirk.

Spencer's jaw clenched.

"Zap me," J.J. said.

Spencer looked to see her looking at him. She looked so strong and so brave. It absolutely tore at his heart.

"No, I won't do that to you," he said, the pain showing in his eyes.

"It's better than kissing her. I can take it. I'll be fine," she insisted.

Spencer looked back to Cat who was smiling at him in that knowing way. She knew she had him trapped. Just the way she liked it.

"Let's get this over with," he said angrily.

"First thing's first," she said walking over and holding up a small pill item in her hand.

"What is that?"

"A mint stupid. I don't want to kiss you when you haven't brushed your teeth," she said with a playful giggle.

"Don't worry, my mouth will be closed tighter than Fort Knox," he said.

"Oh silly, Spencie. You will do it and you will do it right, or Carlson takes care of your friends," she said pointing over her shoulder.

Carlson smiled as he held up two remote controls. Spencer took a deep breath and opened his palm. Cat dropped the mint into his hand and he immediately lifted it to his mouth. While he did that Cat unlocked his one wrist and replaced it directly onto the bar now. This allowed his other hand to be free, but still kept him confined to the cage.

Cat walked to the cage door, unlocked it and swung it open. Spencer was now standing part in his cage and part out. Cat stepped up to him and placed her hands on his shoulders.

"Remember, make it good or," she made a buzzing sound.

Spencer closed his eyes and tried to imagine he was alone with J.J. They had just had a nice romantic dinner together. They were standing outside under a star-covered sky, the moon their only light. J.J. looked up at him. Her ocean blue eyes staring lovingly back at him.

He lifted his hand and brushed her hair behind her ear. She smiled shyly at him. Something he wasn't used to. He slowly leaned forward until their lips met. Her fingers curled at the nape of his neck, lightly brushing the edges of his hair. His hands framed her face, holding her close to show her how much he adored her.

Their lips moved slowly together before he dared open his mouth and take it further. Their tongues danced gently. He pulled back from the kiss, keeping his eyes closed. J.J. stood in front of him still. Her fingers to her lips and smile on her face that radiated the same love he felt.

"Wow."

His fantasy was abruptly ended by the sound of Cat's voice. He opened his eyes and felt sick as he saw her hand touching her lips, just as he had imagined J.J. would. He looked to J.J. and saw her watching him, her face pale. His eyes screamed his apology to her, but hers assured him it was ok.

"That was better than I ever imagined," Cat sighed. "Back inside now."

Spencer stepped back into the cage as the door was shut and relocked. She didn't even bother to lock his hands forward like before. She walked back over to the board and looked to J.J.

"Ok, well I guess it's your turn," she said.

J.J. looked at the board. "Characters."

"Good choice. I think you'll do just fine with this one," Cat said as she pulled the card off. "Who owns the Krusty Krab?"

_Thank God for Henry!_

"Mr. Krabs," J.J. answered.

"Correct. Remember to thank your son for that," Cat said. "Ok, Blondie, you can either steal chipmunk's water and drink it all or you can zap him."

J.J. looked to Luke who was trying to assure her whatever she chose he would be fine. Spencer tried mouthing zap. He figured Luke could survive the zap, but he would need water to survive. J.J. looked torn between the choices.

"Zap me," Luke called out. "I can take it."

J.J. hesitated but looked to Cat and nodded. "Ok, zzzz …. Zzzap him," she said barely above a whisper.

Luke groaned as his knees buckled. Cat looked to Carlson who was pressing the button.

"That is my job!" she growled as she slapped Carlson in the face and snatched the remote from him.

Luke was on his feet, but Cat hit the button again, making him drop back to his knees. Spencer and J.J. protested that she was cheating by hitting the button twice.

"It's not cheating, Carlson wasn't supposed to push the button," she said shooting him a look.

He dropped his head in shame. Like a child being scolded by their parent. Cat let up on the button and Luke stopped growling. They could hear him trying to breathe deeply through the pain.

"Well, it's supposed to be his turn, but …" she trailed off looking at him. "Guess you're up again Spencie."

(xxxxx)

It seemed like the game had gone on for hours. Spencer wasn't even sure how long they had played for. There was no clock in the room and Cat had taken all of their watches, jewelry, etc. Anything that could help them escape in any way.

They had all suffered for their incorrect answers. J.J. had a bruise on her cheek from a hit she endured from Cat. Her wrists were raw and bleeding from the handcuffs and her knees were throbbing from the falls she took from the shocks.

Luke had a bloody lip and black eye from punches Spencer was forced to give him. His knuckles were bloody and bruised from his own forced punching. Cat had him hit Spencer back and was devastated when he heard a crunch, knowing he probably broke Spencer's nose.

Besides his nose, Spencer had endured a few shocks himself that now had his bad knee swollen from the times he fell on it. Cat had also received a hickey from him and given him one in return. He was able to avoid any other disgusting contact with her, but he still feared it at any moment.

At some point, Carlson had brought them a tv dinner. They all ate it quietly before going to their spots in the back for sleep. Spencer had laid down first and when J.J. got to him, he was scratching furiously at his neck.

"Hey, stop that. Don't do that," she said reaching through the bars to take his hand.

"I want it off me," he said as he tried to go back to scratching.

J.J. placed her hand over the raw skin. "It will fade."

She slid into her makeshift bed and moved her hand to gently stroke his face. Her thumb rubbing circles along his cheek. His eyes shimmered with unshed tears as he avoided looking at her.

"I tried to pretend it was you," he whispered as his lip quivered.

"It's ok," she soothed.

"I'm sorry," he said finally looking at her.

She saw the guilt and the pain radiating behind his brown eyes. One tear slipped from his eye. J.J. scooted as close to the bars as she could.

"Come here."

Spencer shuffled close until he felt J.J.'s lips on his. It wasn't easy through the bars and it couldn't be more than a slight touch, but it was still heaven to him. When they broke apart J.J. ran her fingers through his hair lovingly.

"We'll get out of here and all of this will be a distant memory," she said.

"How can you be sure?" he said wetly.

"Because you are going to take me out on a date," she said with a soft smile.

Spencer's eyebrow perked.

"We didn't come this far to never get our chance. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to be with you."

"You … you do?" Spencer said surprised.

"I love you Spence and I don't know how long we will get with each other, but I don't want to waste another second without you. I want you to move in with me," she said holding his hand tightly.

"J.J. that sounds amazing, but –"

"But what?"

"But I don't want you to make decisions based on fear," he said.

"I'm basing it on my love for you. I've waited 15 years for you. I'm not waiting anymore. I want you from this day forward until the day I die," she said as tears filled her eyes.

Spencer's eyes studied her as she looked back at him, conveying her seriousness.

"Please say you'll have me," she whispered.

"Jennifer, you already have me completely," he said as he kissed the back of her hand.

"Is that a yes than?"

"It's a yes," he said with a smile.

J.J. leaned forward, pulling him back to the bars where she pressed her lips to his again.

"Finally, now be quiet so I can sleep," Luke called out from his cage.

Spencer and J.J. laughed quietly as they both laid back down, their hands tangled together. Spencer holding their hands close to his heart. Now he had a reason to fight harder. He had to get them out of here. He still had no idea if the team was really dead or not. So, it was up to him to get them out of there now. He wanted his life with J.J. and he was going to do whatever it took to make it happen.


	10. Chapter 10

Spencer stretched half asleep. His body stiff and sore from the previous day. He dreaded opening his eyes because it meant their torture would continue. But today at least he had a reason to fight harder. He slowly opened his eyes and gazed through the bars at J.J.

Their hands still tangled together, never letting go during the night. As if she knew he was watching, J.J.'s eyes fluttered open. Despite their current situation, a small content smile graced Spencer's face.

"Morning," he said softly.

"Morning," J.J. replied with her own small smile.

"Morning."

They both sat up startled to see Cat glaring at them from outside their cage. Her arms were folded across her chest and her eyes narrowed at them. J.J. pulled the blanket tighter around her body as she scooted away from the bars. Spencer was too afraid to move.

"Something you want to share with the class?" Cat said irritated.

By now, Luke had woken and was sitting at a ready to move at any moment position. J.J. looked to Spencer, who kept his eyes on Cat.

"It's not what it looks like," Spencer began.

"Oh, it's not? Spencer, tell me … do you really think I wouldn't have eyes on you at all times? Do you think I am that stupid?" Cat said angrily.

Spencer's jaw dropped as he finally looked to J.J. She was pale and her hands were visibly shaking. He was so stupid! How could he not think about a camera? He just put J.J.'s life in danger.

"Cat, please, let me explain," Spencer said getting up and moving toward the front of the cage.

"Save it! I don't want to hear it! You're a liar just like every other fucking man in this world!" she said as tears welled up in her eyes.

Spencer was the only person to get to her like this. He was the only person who could make her feel things and actually cry. She hated him for it! He made her weak! She hated being weak! He needed to pay for it!

Cat reached behind her back and pulled out a gun. She waltzed over to J.J.'s cage and held the gun up. J.J. held her hands out, shaking, and cowering. Luke was trying desperately to break open his cage, while Spencer reached through his bars pleading with Cat.

"Please, don't! I'll do whatever you want! Anything! Just please don't hurt her! Please, Cat, you want me, I'm yours!"

This caught her attention. She turned to him with tears in her eyes, glaring at him.

"You don't want me, so why do I want you!"

"Cat, I was trying to calm her down. She was scared and I just tried to distract her, to comfort her. It wasn't romantic! There's nothing between us. She's married Cat! She has kids! I don't want to raise someone else's kids!" 

"Liar!" Cat screamed.

"Look, I hate you. I hate you so much," Spencer said as he growled in frustration as she cocked the gun. "But I also love you and I fucking hate it! I don't want to because you've done awful things and if I love someone who is that bad, what does that make me?"

Cat's hands shook as she watched him. The internal debate was clear in her eyes.

"Cat, please. You know we are connected, whether I want it or not, you feel it. Otherwise, you wouldn't keep trying to get to me."

"If you wanted me, you could've had me at any time," she said as her voice cracked.

"And admit my feelings for you? You may have nothing to lose but I do. Admitting I love you … I lose who I always believed I was. Admitting I love you means accepting the truth about who I really am. It also means you win, and I lose. I never lose," he said.

"If you love me, you wouldn't care if she died," Cat sniffled as she pointed the gun back at J.J.

"That's not true. I may be a man who is in love with a psychopath, but I still care about my friends. Don't you see that's why we can't be together Cat. All this time, it's not because you killed people. It's because if I am with you, I have to let go of everything I know … my job … my life … my family. They are my family."

Cat wiped a few stray tears as she listened to him. She looked to J.J. and then back to Spencer who was watching her with pleading brown eyes. She wanted to trust him. She hated that she wanted to trust him.

"I'll give it up for you. If you let them go, I'm yours. I'll go with you, wherever you want to go, and I'll spend the rest of our lives making you happy. Just please don't hurt them," he begged gently.

Cat held his stare. Her arm shaking with indecision. Finally, she lowered her weapon and it was as though all the air in the room returned.

"I can't let them go, but I won't kill them," Cat said as she uncocked the gun and put it behind her back.

She walked over to Spencer. Her eyes burning into his, still searching for a sign of deceit. He was always good at getting her guard down.

"I want you to prove to me that you mean what you say," she said.

"Anything," he agreed.

"Sleep with me," she said.

The room had gone silent again, but Spencer nodded. When he said anything, he meant anything. Anything to protect J.J.

"And if you say blondies name or try anything funny, I will cut your dick off and make you swallow it!" she said through her teeth.

"I won't. She is just my friend. She is not you, Cat," he whispered.

He hoped so much that J.J. knew he didn't mean it. It absolutely tore him from the inside saying those words. But he had to sell it. He had to make Cat believe he truly loved her. He walked over to the cage door and waited with his hands held out for the handcuffs.

"Carlson!" Cat shouted as she stood watching Spencer carefully. "Carlson!"

The sound of someone running down the hall grew louder. Carlson entered the room with an apple in his hand. He was wearing pajamas and looked as though he had just woken not long ago.

"Yea?"

"Take this," Cat said handing him her gun. "You're coming with us to make sure Spencer doesn't try anything funny."

"Ok," Carlson said as he took a bite of his apple.

Cat hesitantly walked over to the cage door and unlocked it. When she opened it, Spencer didn't move, he stood still with his hands out. Cat waved him forward.

"No cuffs. If you love me like you say you do, they won't be necessary," she said. "Besides, anything does happen, Carlson here will have his way with her," Cat said pointing at J.J.

Carlson grinned as he moved closer to the cage. He eyed her like a bottle of water on a hot summer day.

"Let's go," Cat said grabbing Spencer's hand and leading him down the hallway.

(xxxxx)

Spencer sat on an extremely comfortable bed. It felt good to sit on something that wasn't hard. His body screamed for him to lay down and sleep off the pain. He looked to Carlson who stood by the door picking his teeth with a piece of paper.

What was in this for him? Why was he a part of all of this? He didn't seem to be bothered by Cat, so it wasn't blackmail like Wilkins. They didn't seem intimate, so it wasn't a love interest. There was some connection between the two that made their partnership dangerous. If only he could figure it out.

The bathroom door swung open and Spencer looked to see Cat standing in just a baby blue towel. Her body still had beads of water on it. Her hair hadn't been washed, only the ends showed a bit of dampness. Once again, Spencer found himself thinking about the fact that she was a gorgeous shell of a woman, with insides rotten to the core.

"So, this really happening?" Cat said with a smile, all previous signs of sadness and anger gone.

Spencer looked to Carlson who was now picking at his nails. He really had no manners. Spencer knew children that had better social grace and that was a lot coming from him.

"Uh … is he …" Spencer asked.

"If he leaves, you might try something," Cat said.

"Look, I already told you I'm not going to try anything. I know it's hard for you to trust people, I get that. But … if you want me to … perform," he said awkwardly. "I'm not going to be able to with an audience."

Cat looked at Carlson and then back to Spencer and then back to Carlson again.

"Stand outside the door. You know our signal. If you hear it immediately go shoot the chipmunk and do whatever you want to blondie," Cat said.

"Yep," Carlson said with a thumbs up.

He swung the door open, stepped outside and closed it behind him. Cat turned her attention back to Spencer who nervously ran his hands along his pants. His hands sweating and his heart racing. He had to pull this off. He had to imagine J.J., but still be cognizant enough to not slip and say her name.

Cat took a few steps closer to Spencer and stopped a few feet away. She smiled coyly at him.

"So …" she said blushing.

Spencer cleared his throat. "So."

"Are you gonna kiss me or what?"

Spencer reached his hand out. Cat gently placed her hand into his and let him pull her closer. Her knees brushed his as his hands ran up her bare arms. He pulled her down onto his lap and started kissing her.

As they kissed, Cat began unbuttoning his shirt. His mind tried so hard to stay focused while he imagined J.J. doing this. He allowed his shirt to be pushed down and slipped it completely off as Cat broke their kiss. She slipped off his lap and let the towel on her body drop.

Spencer hated himself in that moment. His stupid man brain betrayed him as he looked at Cat's body. The shell of a beautiful woman staring back at him. Why did she have to be so attractive?

"Well how about that," Cat said with a smile. "You were telling the truth."

Her eyes were locked on the bulge in his pants that there was no hiding. He reminded himself this was all for J.J. This was to keep her and Luke alive. He had to do this, and it didn't make him a bad guy. This was all an act.

He hissed as Cat's hand ran up his leg and brushed his hard member. She reached for his belt and undid the buckle. She slowly popped the button of his pants and slid the zipper down.

"I have dreamt about this from the first moment I laid eyes on you," she said as she bit her lip.

Spencer involuntarily closed his eyes when her hand dipped into his pants and began to rub him gently. His breath hitched as her finger ran along the tip.

"Fuck Spencer, you are already leaking," she said.

"You make me that way," he said, playing into the moment.

"Touch me. I want to feel those long fingers," she said huskily.

Spencer closed his eyes again. Time to let his imagination go free.

"Open your eyes," Cat demanded.

Spencer's eyes snapped open.

"I don't want you thinking about her. I want you thinking about me," she said with a hint of jealousy in her eyes.

He yelped when she squeezed his dick too hard. Her fingernails digging into the sensitive skin.

"I am, I am thinking about you, I swear," he cried.

Cat's grip loosened on him. He kept eye contact as he ran his fingers along her wet folds. Her eyes fluttering as she tried to keep her eyes on him. Without warning, he shoved his finger inside of her making her cry out. Part of him hoped it hurt a little.

Cat's hand stalled in his pants as he pumped his finger in and out of her. Her one hand gripped his shoulder as she leaned into him. Her mouth open in ecstasy as he continued to work her up. Suddenly her mouth was back on his, frantically kissing him. The desperation and need apparent.

"Pants off. Now," she growled against his mouth.

Spencer obeyed. He removed his hand from her and was just lifting his hips when there was an odd muffled sound outside the door. Cat stood up straight and turned to the bedroom door, just as it swung open.

"Hands up! Put your hands up!" Matt shouted as he ran in with his gun held out in front of him.

Spencer instinctively threw his hands up, while Cat screamed in anger. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion. Rossi was suddenly by his side handing him his shirt, while Cat was being handcuffed by Tara.

Spencer walked over the body of Carlson as he followed Rossi outside. The sun hurt his eyes as he stepped out onto the porch. His mind was hazy, and he felt confused, his body in a state of mild shock. He was just finishing the last button when he saw J.J. being looked at by a medic.

She looked up and her eyes connected with his. She jumped up from the bed of the ambulance and took off running. Spencer picked up his pace and held his arms out to catch her when she landed in his arms. He held her so tight he worried he might break her, but she was clutching him as hard.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything I said, I'm sorry," he gasped as his hands held her face.

"I know, it's ok, I know," she said wetly as she let her tears of relief go.

"I love you J.J.," he said as his own tears dripped down his cheeks. "Only you. I love only you."

With that, not caring that the world would now see, their lips smashed together. They kissed as if the only way to breath was through each other.

"Nooooo!"

They broke a part and turned to see Cat being dragged, now clothed, to a waiting transportation truck. She was glaring at Spencer and J.J. with such hate and anger as she tried to break out of the restraints to get to them.

"You liar! You are worse than me Spencer Reid! You aren't just a filthy, fucking liar, you are a homewrecker too! I will get you for this! You will pay!"

Spencer held J.J. close as she settled her head against his chest. The two of them watching her dragged to the waiting truck. Despite himself, Spencer felt a little pang of guilt. She was a psychopath, but the pain she felt was real and he had caused it, no matter how justifiable, it still made him feel bad.

"I wanna go home," J.J. said as she buried her face into his chest.

Spencer kissed the top of her head and lead her back to the waiting EMT. He was ready to go home too. Ready to start his new life with J.J. Ready to put all of this behind him. As he sat down to get checked by his own pair of EMT's, he turned to watch the truck pull away. Cat stood in the barred window watching him, tears rolling down her face.

Why did he care that she hurt? She was a monster. She forced him to do things and she was threatening his family's life again. He pushed down the fear that he truly held and hadn't lied about once before. Maybe he wasn't as good a man as he believed himself to be. Maybe he was the man Cat saw him to be.

A man who was one step away from being like Cat. A man who would lie and manipulate to get what he wanted. A man who would kill someone without hesitation if threatened. A man who didn't deserve J.J.

***END OF PART 1***

(xxxxx)

_A/N: so that is the end of Cat. She won't be back – don't worry. That being said, she left quite an impression on our boy. What will happen next? Thanks for the amazing comments! xoxo_


	11. Chapter 11

A couple of weeks had gone by since the debacle with Cat. J.J. had every intention of moving in with Spencer, but much to her dismay, he back peddled the following day. He told her he needed time to deal with everything that had happened. She really couldn't fault him for that. He had been to hell and back with Cat the past five years. She couldn't imagine the emotional toll that was taking on him mentally.

Despite her understanding, the hurt and ache still lingered. She watched him move quietly through the office. Emily tried to insist he take time off, but he told her he needed to keep busy. He didn't want to be alone with his thoughts. Emily eventually relented after ordering mandatory sessions with the bureau therapist.

It didn't seem to make much of a difference. He still wandered into the office looking exhausted and haunted. While his paperwork never suffered, his focus often did. At some point, everyone had caught him gazing into thin air, completely unaware of his surroundings. Everyone was worried about him, especially J.J.

It was a rainy evening when J.J. found him flipping through some files in the conference room. Most of the bullpen was empty, only a few stragglers finishing up some projects before the weekend. She slipped into the room and cleared her throat. Spencer's head lifted and he looked at her emotionless.

"Hey, almost finished?" she asked with a gentle smile.

"Almost," he replied.

She wasn't surprised by his one-word answer. Lately, he stuck to those unless forced to say more. Long gone were the ramblings she so hated and yet so loved. His fun facts that weren't much fun, but always lit his face up like a star in the sky.

"It's supposed to be a stormy night. Perfect for some Chinese and a movie," she said hopefully.

He looked back down at his work and rubbed his eye with the back of his hand.

"Thanks, but I'll take a raincheck," he said.

J.J. sighed, loud enough that Spencer looked back up at her, his eyes questioning her.

"I miss you," she said, her voice betraying her by cracking.

He frowned and for the first time in a while, she saw something more than apathy. His face shifted to sadness and perhaps … guilt?

"I know you're going through some things and I don't want to belittle that or try to rush your recovery process," she started. "I just … feel helpless. I'm watching you hurt and there's nothing I can do. You won't let me in and it's frustrating because –"

She trailed off as her eyes fluttered to the ceiling, trying to keep her tears at bay. When she looked back down, he was watching her curiously.

"I need you," she murmured.

Her lip trembled as he watched her and processed her words. An uncomfortable silence fell over them. Finally, he sat up straighter, his emotions wiping clear, as though a robot took over.

"I've done a lot of thinking," he said as he looked down at the file on the table. "I think it's best if we just keep this platonic."

J.J.'s heart dropped … or stopped. She wasn't sure, but it was now beating irregularly and rapidly. Her skin heated up and she felt a little light-headed.

"What?"

"I think we made a huge mistake," he said looking up at her.

His eyes were serious and dull, but she saw his resolve that made her sick.

"Spencer, I don't care what happened with you and Cat. It's all her fault, I don't blame you for any of it," J.J. insisted.

"This has nothing to do with Cat. This has to do with us. We got carried away with the excitement of an affair and it clouded our judgement –"

"Affair? That's what you think this was? Just some sleezy office affair?" she said incredulously.

"I mean, the very definition of a love affair is a romantic or sexual relationship between two people, especially one that is outside marriage," he said with a hint of anger.

"We never did anything while I was married … we haven't really done anything outside of it either," she said defensively.

"Which is for the best," he said.

"Where is this coming from? Why now? What happened to what you said to me?" her voice softened as the threat of breaking down lingered near the edge.

Spencer looked away from her.

"You said I have you completely," she said as sob caught in her throat.

Spencer avoided contact as his hands shook. He scooted his chair away from the table and placed his elbows on his knees.

"It was the heat of the moment," he muttered.

J.J.'s jaw dropped, and her eyes grew larger. She shook her head in disbelief. All this time? No, there's no way he would say all that and not mean it.

"No … no!" she snapped.

Spencer's head shot up in surprise at her outburst. His eyes red and blurry.

"You are not that kind of a person! You do not just say things like that and not mean it! I don't know what you are doing or why you are doing this, but I refuse to believe that you just said that in the heat of the moment!"

J.J. was seething. Her teeth were clenched together as her body trembled in anger and pain. She felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. She watched as Spencer's face dipped from view and then slowly rose. A look of pure disgust staring back at her.

"I did what I had to do," he said through a clenched jaw.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You needed hope. You were scared and you were throwing yourself at me and so I did what had to be done to keep you calm," he said.

"Liar," she accused.

"I am a liar. I led you to believe that I wanted us to be together when I don't. I don't want to be with you, J.J."

J.J.'s head tilted backward as she let out a humorless laugh. She sniffled as she tried to find the strength to speak. Finally, she looked back at him. She felt the urge to punch him right in his stupid heart.

"Fuck you, Spencer. Cat was right. You deserve each other," she said before storming out of the conference room.

Spencer sunk into his chair completely broken. He kept reminding himself it was for her own good. He was protecting her. The only way to protect her was to let her go. To keep her far away from himself. No matter how bad it hurt.

_(xxxxx)_

_A/N: first I can't even thank you all enough for the comments! Seriously, I check often because they make me feel so good and encourage me to keep writing. Now, don't stress my Jeid friends, I don't believe in unhappy endings. These are stories – not life. Good things will be coming and though you may suffer a bit waiting – I will make it deliciously worth it! xoxo_


	12. Chapter 12

Spencer heard a knock at his door. The last thing he wanted to do was listen to someone tell him how wrong and stupid he was. No one understood. Well, that's not true. One person understood and she was a fucking nut case. He heard his door being unlocked and peered over his couch to see Morgan walking in.

"Ugh, never should've given you a key," Spencer groaned as he turned around to continue pouting.

"Answer your door next time and I won't need to use the key," Derek said as he walked to the living room.

He took a seat across from the couch, that was nestled by a window covered by a drape. Spencer was staring blankly ahead, as though Derek wasn't even in the room.

"So, what's going on?" Derek asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Spencer mumbled.

"Clearly, but you need to talk about it. Everyone is worried about you."

"There's nothing to worry about –"

"Oh, ok, so telling J.J. that you don't want to be with her, that you lied to her, that's nothing to worry about?"

Spencer rolled his eyes.

"Things can change, Morgan."

"True, but not you. Not about J.J. You don't just stop loving someone like that," Derek said leaning forward, resting his arms on his legs. "You let her get to you, didn't you?"

Spencer huffed and squirmed in his seat.

"Reid, she knows how to get under your skin. She plays on your insecurities. You can't listen to her," Morgan said.

"You have no idea what I'm capable of," Spencer growled.

"What exactly are you capable of? Tell me."

Spencer leaned forward to rub his face in frustration. His elbows braced on his knees.

"Everyone thinks I'm this stand-up guy. The genius, straight laced, prude who saves lives and goes home to hang up his cape of perfection every day. I'm not that guy Morgan. Every day I lie and manipulate people to get what I need out of them. I do what needs to be done and tell myself it's ok because I'm saving lives."

"Reid, we all do that. It's part of our job. We can't save lives if we don't get the information we need out of people," Derek tried.

"When I was in prison, I was sick of these guys pushing me around and trying to make me do their drug smuggling, so I poisoned them. Almost killed 11 guys, one of them was innocent."

"Prison is not life, Reid. People do what they have to, to survive in there. You shouldn't have even been in there in the first place and from what I heard you tried to get help from the guards but they ignored you," Morgan countered.

"Why do I get a pass for everything? Why is what I do ok, but what people like Cat do is wrong? How can I continually be forgiven, and she is condemned?"

"Because she killed over 200 people for no reason. She tried to have Garcia killed, nearly killed your mom, and she has spent the past five years trying to ruin your life. That's why she doesn't get a pass. You get a pass because everything you do is for a good reason. Every choice you make is made because you want the best outcome for everyone, even if it means sacrificing yourself."

Spencer stood up abruptly.

"She tried to get me to sleep with her. I told myself it was to protect J.J. and Luke," he said as he started choking up. "Morgan, when she dropped the towel …"

He looked up, his eyes fluttering rapidly.

"Reid –" Derek said softly.

"I wanted her. I stupidly responded to her. What kind of a person …" he hiccupped as tears slid down his cheeks.

"Ah, shit Reid," Derek said as he slowly stood up. "It's normal –"

"Normal? What is so normal about being turned on by your captor? What kind of sick fuck is that?"

Reid was now sobbing as he turned to his side table. He picked up a glass sitting on it and threw it angrily across the room.

"I'm a monster! Just like Cat said! I'm no better than she is and J.J. deserves someone better! She deserves someone better than me!"

He grabbed the entire side table and flipped it. The lamp shattering on the floor and items from the drawer spewing across the wooden floor. He reached for a pillow, but his arms were pinned to his side as Derek threw his arms around him.

"Let me go! Let go!" he screamed as he thrashed in Derek's arms.

Derek held him tighter until Spencer finally gave up and his legs gave out on him. Derek slowly took him to the floor where he gently rocked his hysterical friend.

"You listen to me," Derek said wetly as his eyes weld with tears. "You are nothing like Cat Adams. Nothing! She knows how to play you! She knows what gets you angry, sad, and even turned on. She played you Reid. You did nothing wrong! Do not let her win this. If you give up and you throw away your life, she wins! That's exactly what that bitch wants!"

Spencer whimpered as Derek held him tighter.

"You are my best friend and I know you better than I've ever known anyone. Do not tell me that I don't know the real you. You can't lie or manipulate me. I know you! And you are the best little brother in this whole world!"

Spencer gasped for air through his tears as Derek's own tears began to fall.

"You are ridiculously smart, you are fiercely loyal, you are braver than any other person I know. The world keeps kicking you down and you keep getting back up to face it. Your strength is beyond words. Your heart … it's so fucking big, Reid. I look up to you so much for everything you are. You are nothing like Cat or any of the other monsters we encounter."

He slowly let his grip on Spencer ease before wiping his face clear of his tears. Spencer was still hunched over, but he was no longer raging.

"You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved to the fullest and to have a family. You deserve J.J. and there isn't a chance that you won't adore her and take care of her and make her happier than Will ever could. This is your chance and you can't let Cat blow it. That's what she wants," Derek said softly.

They sat in silence for a while before Spencer spoke.

"How do I fix this?" he muttered wetly.

"Well, for starters you go and talk to her. You need to let her in. She won't disappoint you."

(xxxxx)

Spencer stood outside J.J.'s apartment door staring nervously at it. He'd been there for a few minutes already and still couldn't find the nerve to knock on it.

"Come on you pussy. Man up," he whispered to himself.

He finally lifted his hand and knocked three times before shoving his hands back into his pockets, bouncing back and forth on the balls of his feet. To his surprise when the door opened it wasn't J.J. looking back at him.

"Emily?"

"Hey," she said too kindly for what he deserved. "How are you?"

He saw the genuine concern in her eyes.

"Umm, alright I guess," he muttered. "Am I … should I come back another time?"

"No, she's right inside. I should warn you though, she has had a few drinks," she said stepping aside to let him in.

Spencer walked into the apartment as Emily shut the door. He heard music playing in the living room as he followed Emily toward the sound.

"Who was it?" J.J. called from the couch she was stretched out on.

"You have a visitor," Emily replied.

J.J. sat up and looked over the couch. Her brow wrinkling at the sight of him.

"What do you want?" she snapped.

"I'm going to head out. I'll call you tomorrow," Emily said as she quickly grabbed her purse.

She gently patted Spencer's shoulder as she hurried past him. Spencer watched her disappear and only turned around when he heard the door shut. He shuffled anxiously like a dog with his tail between his legs.

"So, you gonna tell me why you're here or do I need to guess?" J.J. asked as she folded her arms across her chest.

"I wanted to apologize," he said in such a soft, broken voice that J.J.'s hard exterior melted away. "I know I hurt you … and I know that I don't deserve a second chance …"

He licked his lips and she saw his lip tremble. She scooted back a little and patted the sofa cushion. He hesitantly walked over and sat down, angling his body toward her.

"I'm scared that I'm really the person Cat sees," he whispered as a tear slipped from his eye.

"Oh, Spence," J.J. sighed as she moved closer to him.

She lifted her hand to brush his tear, his face leaning into her open palm.

"Cat likes to pretend she knows you. She uses her mind games to fuck with you, but when it comes down to the truth, she doesn't know an ounce about you," she said as her thumb caressed his cheek.

"When we were in that room, she touched me," he said closing his eyes to avoid seeing her reaction. "I reacted to it … to all of it."

"Spencer, look at me," she said. He slowly obeyed. "Cat Adams is gorgeous. Psychopath or not, she is hot and that's why she is good at what she does. You may be like a computer, but you aren't a robot."

He looked stunned by her response.

"Why did you sleep with her?" J.J. asked.

"We didn't sleep together … it never got that far," he said.

J.J. tried to hide her relief. At least there was that.

"Ok, why did you say yes to sleeping with her?"

"Because she was going to hurt you … and Luke," he replied.

"So, by your own admission, you willingly agreed to sleep with someone who has done nothing but make your life a living hell because you wanted to protect Luke and me?"

"Well, when you say it that way –"

"It's the only way to say it Spence. The only way! Under any other circumstance you would not willingly sleep with Cat Adams. In fact, I'd be as bold to say that if she were the last woman on Earth, you'd go celibate."

A small smile tugged at his lips.

"You will never be the person Cat tries to make you be. Because you will always have me there to remind you of who you really are," she said with a smile. "And if I'm not available you have Morgan, Emily, Garcia, Luke, Matt, Tara, Rossi and a long line of others who know the real you."

Spencer let out a small shy chuckle. When he looked up, his smile faded, and he grew serious again.

"Jen, I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. You didn't deserve to be treated that way," he said, regret behind his gaze.

"I didn't, but I understand," she said as she reached for his hand, tangling their fingers together.

"I won't do that ever again," he assured her.

"Damn right you won't," she teased. "Now make it up to me. I'm slightly drunk and can't stop looking at your delicious lips."

Spencer laughed but lifted his hand to cup her neck and cheek, pulling her into him. His lips slotted against hers as he moved tenderly with her rhythm. Their tongues pressing teasingly at one another as a small moan slipped from J.J.

She placed her hands in his hair and pressed harder into him. The kiss growing more desperate and needy. Suddenly, Spencer pulled away. His lips popping off of hers before he pressed his forehead to hers.

"I'm sorry," he apologized as they both panted for air.

"No, it's ok," she said.

"I need time to get over it," he said, not elaborating.

There was no need. She knew Cat was still there in the corner of his brain fucking with him. She knew it would take time to break down his walls.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said as she gently pressed a kiss to his cheek.

She reached for the remote sitting on her coffee table and aimed it at the tv. She flipped a few channels before stopping on I Love Lucy.

"This good?" she asked him.

"Um, yea, that's fine," he said.

She moved back toward him and snuggled into his side, her head resting on his shoulder and his arms wrapping around her to hold her close. He tried to focus on the show, but all he could do was keep glancing at the woman in his arms.

He really did love her more than anyone he'd ever loved before. He watched as she giggled at Lucy and Ethel's antics. He could smell the shampoo she used in her long blonde hair. His heart was full, and it was then he knew he would do whatever it took to keep her. To never let her go. To never let Cat Adams win.

_(xxxxx)_

_A/N: you guys! You are the most amazing readers ever! My heart was ridiculously happy today reading your comments! I am so honored that you all are enjoying this story! Lots of good chapters coming your way! xoxo_


	13. Chapter 13

Two months had gone by since Spencer and J.J. started dating. He proved to be just as romantic as she always expected he would be. He catered to her needs and was always thinking of her, something she wasn't used to. Will was a good man, but he was a typical man. He didn't think to stop at the store and get groceries or run her a warm bath to relax and relieve her of Mommy duties.

With Spencer, it was as if he could read her mind. He seemed to always know what she needed right when she needed it. He was amazing with the boys and they were handling the separation beyond her expectations. It almost seemed too good to be true, but she knew that it was working so well because of Spencer and Will.

Yes, everything was settling beautifully in to place and she couldn't be happier or more grateful. The only thing she still worried about was the fact that they still hadn't been intimate. With the exception of a couple kisses that got slightly PG, Spencer kept his distance.

She knew why, but after two months of waiting and wanting, she started to allow doubt into her mind. Perhaps he was having second thoughts. Maybe he liked the idea of being close to her, but it didn't reach beyond that. Maybe he didn't crave her the way she craved him.

As time went on, she started wondering if maybe her baby body worried him. Maybe the few stretch marks on her abdomen were a turn off. She found herself looking more closely at her body in the mirror. She was fit, but there were signs of aging and being a mom.

Her breasts were smaller than Emily and Penelope's, but they seemed ok. She turned around and saw the few stretch marks on her ass. The ugly pink lines mocking her. She looked at her face and saw the wrinkles beginning to form around her eyes. She lost the young, baby face and looked more like her late 30's.

She was never one to judge herself before, but now it seemed that was all she could see. There had to be something wrong with her, because she was practically throwing herself at Spencer and he was pushing her away.

Her rational side told her to talk to him about her insecurities, but her irrational side won the battle and decided that getting drunk at Rossi's birthday party was the perfect way to handle things.

It was a warm night and she wore a short blue romper, that had a longer thin piece of fabric in the back that blew in the evening breeze. Spencer per usual, wore black pants and a black dress shirt, adding a splash of blue with his tie. He had spent most of the evening talking with Luke and Derek, occasionally indulging J.J. in a dance here and there, though he was clearly uncomfortable doing it.

_Cat strikes again, _J.J. thought to herself.

Spencer had his arms nestled on her waist, her arms draped on his shoulders, her fingers playing with the fuzz of hair by his neck. She leaned back to look at him and smiled in her drunken haze. He smiled back at her.

"You're so sexy," she whispered.

He let out a small chuckle and his cheeks turned pink. She moved her one hand around to his chest and slowly slid it up and down.

"You know what I want to do right now," she purred.

"What's that," he asked amused by her drunkenness.

"I want to take you somewhere in Rossi's house and ride you til I scream," she said leaning forward to nip at his neck.

Spencer jumped a little but played it off with a laugh.

"Or the car," she shrugged. "I'm not picky."

"I think you've had a lot to drink," he grinned as he grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle kiss.

"I'm drunk, but not too drunk," she said as she slid her hand down to grab his crotch.

Spencer yelped, moved back and looked around nervously.

"J.J. stop," he admonished.

"Seriously?" she said incredulously.

"I'm very serious. This isn't appropriate –"

"When is it appropriate, Spence? Huh? I may not have been happy with Will, but at least with him I didn't have to beg," she snapped before stomping off.

Spencer ran after her as she stormed up the patio steps and into the mansion. Everyone's eyes were on them much to his dismay. Inside Penelope and Luke were watching curiously as he zipped past them.

J.J. walked into the guest room to grab her bag and sweater when he finally reached her. He closed the door behind himself.

"What was that all about?" he asked with a hint of anger and concern.

"You're a genius, figure it out," she snapped.

"Jennifer, talk to me," he said reaching for her arm, that she shook from his grip.

"There's nothing to say," she mumbled as she picked up her purse and sweater off the pile on the bed.

"Obviously there is, or you wouldn't have caused a scene."

"I've been patient with you. I've been supportive of your recovery, but it is clearly beyond that," she said trying to walk past him.

He reached out and stopped her, blocking the doorway.

"Beyond what?"

"Sex, Spencer, geez! I'm sick of throwing myself at you and being turned down. It's obvious that you aren't sexually attracted to me and I wish you would've just been a man about it and told me, instead of me continuing to put myself out there and get hurt. Now, move so I can go home," she said trying to push past him.

"You think I'm not sexually attracted to you?" he said as he continued to move in her path, blocking the way. "Jennifer, that couldn't be further from the truth."

She rolled her eyes dramatically and crossed her arms over her chest, giving up on exiting the room at the moment. She watched his shoulders sag and his eyes drop sadly.

"This is a big deal to me. I screwed this up once already, it's not a game with unlimited lives, Jen. Everything I do has to be perfect. If I make the wrong move or I don't do it right, I could lose you forever. If I give in to my desires and misstep …" he swallowed hard.

"Ah, shit," J.J. sighed, sobering as though she'd been hit with ice water. "I'm sorry. I never even considered the pressure you would put on yourself." She stepped forward and placed her hand on his slightly stubbled cheek. "Spencer, you don't have to be perfect. You're going to make mistakes. I mean, look at me, I made a huge one tonight."

She laughed embarrassed at herself. His lip curled slightly in the corner.

"We are going to argue, and we are going to do things that don't work, but the part of being together is that we fix those things. While you are right that there aren't unlimited lives, you're wrong to think that a misstep or a glitch in our relationship is enough to end it. We've been through too much together for our love to be that fragile."

They stood in silence for a moment, before he cleared his throat to speak.

"I want to make love to you. I do. More than you can even imagine, but I want it to be special. Not some …" he paused.

"Fuck," she supplied for him.

He blushed and nodded, "yea that. I don't want that to be our first time and every time I think I have it planned, something comes along and ruins it."

J.J. couldn't help but laugh. This caught Spencer off guard, and he twitched awkwardly.

"Spence, you don't plan sex," she grinned as she reached for his hand, tangling their fingers together. "You just let it happen."

"Well … it's just … I never did it that way before," he stuttered embarrassed.

"Wait, you've always planned your sexual encounters?"

"Yea," he said turning red. "I understand organization and planning."

"God, I love you," she giggled. "You take nerd to a new level. I'll make a deal with you." He seemed to be listening, so she proceeded. "I won't ask again. I'll wait patiently for you to make the move, _but_ that means you need to relax and just let it happen."

He furrowed his brow confusion all over his face.

"Maybe you feel it one night while we are watching a movie. Maybe it'll be while I'm making coffee and you take me right there in the kitchen. Wherever and whenever you feel it, act on it. Don't question yourself, don't think about it, just do it. Make the move."

Spencer thought over her words quietly and then finally nodded.

"Ok, deal," he said.

"Ok, let's go home. I made a scene and I'm ready to make an embarrassed run for it," she said making him laugh.

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers. When he pulled back, she saw him watching her intently.

"Don't ever think for one second I am not attracted to you. You have driven me crazy since the first day I laid eyes on you in the BAU. That Spencer wouldn't believe me if I told him I was lucky enough to have you in my life," he said softly.

J.J. stood on her toes pressing her lips to his. Her hands held his cheeks as she nipped and licked at him. Their kiss was passionate and a little on the sloppy side, but she loved it. Spencer pulled back with a chuckle.

"Not here," he whispered making her sigh.

"I know. Alright, let's go," she said taking his hand and leading him out the door.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: sorry for the delay. I'm back and I hope this chapter gets you excited for the next one … hint hint ;) Also, there will be some of the finale in play in upcoming chapters. I'd like to play it out how I preferred it to be._


	14. Chapter 14

"That movie was awful," Penelope said as she threw her soda in a nearby trash can.

"It wasn't awful," Spencer said as he linked his hand with J.J.'s.

He, J.J., Penelope, and Luke had gone to the movies to see the newest Thriller film. Penelope had tried to convince everyone to go see a romantic comedy to no avail.

"First of all, do we not see enough gore in real life? Why do we have to go see a movie with it too?" Penelope said as J.J. laughed. "Second, it was so unbelievable! I mean, I'm scared of everything, but even I couldn't be convinced to be scared of creatures growing in my draining pipes."

"So, you jumping and covering your eyes … that wasn't out of fear?" Luke teased.

"I did not!" she squeaked.

"You did too!" he mimicked her.

She playfully swatted his arm. J.J. watched their obvious interaction and looked to Spencer who gave a slight head nod that he saw it too.

"To be fair, Garcia is somewhat right. It is far-fetched to think that creatures would grow in house pipes," Spencer said with a grin.

"What about sewers?" J.J. laughed.

"Now, talk about far-fetched –" Spencer began.

"Hey, don't mess with the Ninja Turtles, Reid! Do not try and ruin my childhood heroes!" Luke said making the others laugh.

The rest of their walk home was mostly in silence, with a little bit of small banter here and there. They eventually went their separate ways, with Spencer and J.J. heading back to her apartment and Luke taking Penelope home.

"So, you caught that vibe too?" J.J. said the moment they were out of earshot.

"That they like each other?" J.J. nodded her confirmation. "Absolutely. The 'boy picking on girl he likes' routine never fools anyone."

"I was surprised when he started dating Lisa," she replied.

"It's not always a simple as that," he said softly. "Sometimes you do what you have to do when you can't have what your heart wants."

"Oh," J.J. said as she realized what he was saying.

"I'm not saying that to make you feel bad," he said glancing at her.

"I know, but sometimes I feel so angry at myself for wasting all the time we could've had together," she said leaning into his shoulder as they walked.

"I don't," he said surprising her.

She looked at him bewildered and he chuckled softly.

"I'm thrilled that we are getting our chance, please don't get that wrong," he started as he held her hand tighter in his own. "I am a firm believer that despite finding ourselves wishing to change the past, everything happens when it's supposed to.

I know that doesn't always make sense, but it's true. What if we were too young and it didn't work out, then we missed out on all those years of an amazing friendship that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. And Henry and Michael, they wouldn't have been born."

"Does it ever hurt being right all the time?" J.J. grinned as she snuggled back into his arm, her hands sandwiching his one hand.

"No, it feels great actually," he teased.

Once they finally made it back to J.J.'s place, she went off to get ready for bed, while Spencer went to the kitchen to prep the coffee maker for the following morning. He finished up and went into the bedroom, where J.J. was already sitting in bed flipping through her phone.

While getting prepared for bed in the walk-in closet, he saw the papers sticking out of his coat pocket. He had meant to put them in his briefcase. He pulled them out and was about to put them away properly, when he stopped himself.

"Hey Jayje?"

"Yea?" she called out.

He appeared in the doorway and looked at her. She glanced up over her phone and smiled.

"What's up?"

"I was wondering something," he said nervously as he walked over to sit down on the bed.

J.J. put her phone on the nightstand and sat up straighter. The blanket rested against her lap.

"I was doing some research and I was wondering … did you still … wanna move in together?" His fingers were worrying the corners of the papers on his lap.

"Seriously?" she asked moving to sit on her knees, the blanket abandoned in a mess below her.

"Yea, I, uh, found some places I think might be nice for us and the boys," he said holding up the papers.

"Spence!" she squealed before throwing her arms around him.

He let out a shocked laugh as she bounced happily in his arms. She pulled back from the hug and took the papers out of his hand. She started flipping through them before looking up at him with tears in her eyes.

"Really?" she said as though she thought it was a trick or a dream.

"Really. I'd love nothing more than waking up every day to you," he said running his thumb along her cheek.

She threw the papers on the nightstand and dove back into his arms kissing him excitedly. His arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly. They only broke the kiss to catch their breaths, Spencer propping his forehead against hers.

"I love you," he whispered to her.

"I love you too," she whispered back.

Her heart started pounding as she felt a shift in the mood. Their breathing was borderline ragged and suddenly J.J. felt like she was on fire. Her body was screaming for him to touch her, but she stayed still, afraid of spooking him.

"Spence," she said softly, almost inaudibly.

His hand slipped up to cup her jaw, his fingers sliding into her hair. He brushed his lips lightly along her lips. It was so erotic she wanted to scream, but she forced herself to let him steer the way. He nipped at her lips so carefully, it was almost like a breeze touching her.

He pressed gentle kisses along her jaw and worked his way down to her neck, where she tilted to give him more access. She sighed as he licked and nibbled at her skin. She knew he could feel her pulse pounding, there was no way he'd miss it. She was sure the neighbors could hear her heart beating.

He sat up suddenly, catching her a little off guard. His face looked so relaxed and happy. Something she hadn't seen much of in the past few years. She smiled and lifted her hand to brush the few stray strands of hair out of his eyes.

"You're so beautiful," Spencer said, his eyes practically sparkling with awe.

In a move that she worried might be too risky, but she needed so badly, she slipped her hands under her tank top and lifted it over her head. Spencer looked down at her bare chest and slowly lifted his hand. His palm light-as-a-feather touched her nipple. It hardened and perked up immediately at attention.

J.J. reached for his other hand and pressed both hands firmly to her chest and squeezed. Her eyes closed and her head tilted back slightly as she sighed. She forgot how amazing it felt to be touched by someone you love.

"Lay down."

Her eyes popped open to see Spencer watching her. She obeyed and laid flat on her back, head on her pillow. Spencer leaned over her and pressed his lips to hers. His one hand held her hip, while the other propped him up. Her hands tangled in his hair as they kissed slowly, but passionately.

When they broke apart, Spencer looked her in the eye, and she saw the question lingering behind his stare. She gave a small nod and he moved down to her breasts, where he placed soft kisses along the mound of flesh. When he latched on to her nipple with a flick of his tongue, she twitched and let out a small moan.

To her surprise, after a few moments on each breast, he started kissing down her belly. When he reached the hem of her shorts, he hooked his fingers inside them and pulled them down along with her panties.

She waited for him to come back up to her, instead he settled between her legs. Her eyes widened and she threw her hand out to stop him. He sat back shocked and concerned he did something wrong.

"Spence, wait," she said as he sat up and backed away.

"I'm sorry, I should've asked –"

"No, no you did nothing wrong. No, I just … I've never really liked that," she said blushing.

"Really?" She nodded embarrassed. "Why? I mean, if you don't mind me asking."

He blinked at her with innocent confusion.

"It's just never been good. I don't know. Always seemed to be a waste of time," she shrugged.

He looked down at the sheets and then back at her with the corner of his lips turned up slightly.

"Do you trust me?"

"With my life," she said without hesitation.

"May I please try? If you hate it, you can stop me and I'll never ask you again," he said.

She nibbled on her cheek as thought about it. He was finally reaching out to her sexually, did she really want to tell him no the first time he wants to do something? It's not like she hated it, or it hurt her. It just never got her off and seemed pointless, but she wanted to encourage him to be open, so she nodded.

"Ok, but promise if I don't get off on it, please promise you won't take that personal," she said.

"Ok, I promise," he said before settling back in between her legs. "Lay back and relax."

He ran his hand up and down her legs, massaging gently as he went. Once he felt her relax a little, he pressed kisses to her inner thigh. He slowly played around her core, turning her own with his delicious lips leaving halos along her skin.

Finally, he stopped just in front of her middle. His finger reached out and traced the rim of her. She watched as he seemed to be studying how his movements affected her. His brow was furrowed in concentration as he slowly ran his finger along the slit, flicking the ball of nerves that hid just below the surface.

J.J. twitched at this. He looked up at her and a sly smile crossed his lips. Cocky little bastard. Before she could say anything, he leaned forward and placed a kiss to her clit. A tender, barely there kiss. She had to admit, it was kind of hot watching him try to turn her on, even if that effort would be in vain.

He looked back down at his work and brushed his tongue along her entire pussy a few times before leaning back and sucking a finger into his mouth. When he popped it back out of his mouth, he gently massaged her opening. She sat up on her elbows to watch as he slowly twisted his finger and pushed it carefully inside of her.

Despite herself, she let out an audible sigh. He glanced up at her with that smirk before leaning down and kissing her clit again. His finger curled inside of her while he continued to make out with her outside. He was so careful and methodical she was actually enjoying it somewhat.

His finger moved in and out in the perfect rhythm. She groaned when he pulled his finger out and slipped an extra one in with it. Now between the two fingers working inside of her and his mouth working outside of her, she was beginning to squirm.

Suddenly, he hit a spot on the inside that lined up perfectly with the outside and she yelped at the sensation. She felt Spencer chuckle as he started moving his mouth and fingers rapidly on that spot. The sound of his sucking and his groaning as he "ate her" sent her mind spinning. She threw her head back and reached her hand out to push his head harder into her.

"Shit, you little fucker," she moaned as she found herself moving her hips against his mouth. "That feels so good."

She knew he was smiling. She could almost feel the gloating as he continued to work her up. All of a sudden, she felt her body tightening and she was barely breathing as she held her breath and tried to furiously rub her pussy against his face.

"Spencer, fuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkk," she cried as her body started shaking. Her legs slapping closed, clutching his head between them. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." She dropped to the bed, panting. Her eyes closed as her head twirled in a daze. She was slightly aware of Spencer rubbing her body in a soothing manner.

When she finally came to, she looked to see Spencer watching her with pure adoration. He was propped up next to her on his elbow, his other hand ran gently along her skin. She had planned on saying something, but instead she reached out and grabbed him by the neck, tugging him down to her lips.

She kissed him hungrily, tasting herself with each lick. She grabbed his t-shirt and yanked it over his head. They broke apart momentarily for him to slip the shirt off and toss it to the side. J.J. was latched back onto his lips the moment he was free from the shirt.

"Take it off," she mumbled against his lips as she pushed at his boxers he wore to bed.

While still kissing, he squirmed around and got his boxers off. Those too were abandoned somewhere in the room. He climbed on top of J.J. and kissed her with all the want, need, desire he'd been holding back for years.

"God, I love you so much," he said as he peeled himself off her lips to kiss along her face and neck.

"Love … you … too," she panted as he sucked on her earlobe.

She reached between them and grabbed his rock-hard dick in her hand. She was happy when he lifted up with a hiss and she was able to see it for the first time. It was absolutely perfect. The length, the size, perfect. Just like he was.

"Um, thanks," she heard him squeak.

She hadn't realized she had said that out loud, but it was ok, because it was true, and she wasn't ashamed of telling him how perfect he was. She continued to run her hand up and down his shaft. Her finger brushing along the throbbing vain.

"Lay down," she said as her thumb wiped at the pre-cum.

"Jen, I don't think I can hold out for that," he said as he swallowed hard. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok. Next time," she said with a smile.

She took his dick and slowly rubbed it along her slit. Spencer once again hissed as she teased the tip at her entrance. After a few gentle pokes, he started pushing harder and she let go to allow him to have control.

It only took three good thrusts before he was fully engulfed in her heat. He let out a groan as J.J. gasped at the feeling of him filling her. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips. His eyes watched her carefully as he slowly began to move inside of her.

"Oh, Spence," she sighed. "I've dreamed of this day for so long."

"Me too," he said as his palms pressed into the bed, holding him above her.

He worked himself in and out as her hands roamed his back and clutched at his hair. It didn't take long before he started slamming into her harder. He held her one leg in his arm as he pounded into her. The sound of their skin slapping together echoed through the room.

Beads of sweat were forming along his forehead. The tips of his hair were wet. His hand slipped under her ass, cradling her against him as he thrusted in and out over and over. The bed smacked the wall and the bed springs squeaked. J.J. was loudly moaning as he hit her favorite spot again and again.

She felt herself nearing the end again and reached out to grab Spencer's neck. She pulled him against her so tight, they were both shaking from the exertion. Their foreheads were pressed together almost too hard, but they needed to be as close as possible. They needed to be one person.

"Spence," J.J. whimpered.

He couldn't speak. He was pressing so hard into her. He was concerned he might hurt her. But it felt too good to stop and he was too close now. J.J. shook as she clung desperately to him. Her fingernails digging into his skin as she stared him down.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

She screamed out as her walls burst again. This time more powerfully than the last. She felt heat run from the tips of her toes to her head and back down again. She shook and gasped through the biggest orgasm she'd ever had.

She felt Spencer slamming into her shakily before he cried out and she felt the warmth inside of her. He moved a few more times, milking the last of his orgasm, before he dropped next to her. His arm draped over her body, but his face collapsed into the blanket. They both laid in silence trying to regain awareness and their breaths.

Spencer looked up when he felt her shaking beside him. Her hands were covering her face as she sobbed quietly.

"I hurt you! I'm so sorry, J.J. –"

She took her hands away from her face and shook her head as she placed one of her hands on his cheek.

"No," she said with a wet smile. "No, that was the most amazing …" she stopped to look up and get her composure. "Spencer, I've never felt this before. That felt … "

"Like you were finally whole?" he said as his eyes clouded.

She nodded as tears streamed down her cheek. He leaned into her and pressed his lips to hers. They both kissed passionately as she continued to cry. When they pulled apart, Spencer wiped at her tears.

"Remember what Emily said about twin flames?" J.J. hiccupped.

Spencer nodded. He remembered it all too well. When he thought that their secret was out, but nothing would change. Somehow that made all of the love he felt for her more painful than ever before.

"When two people have different bodies, but share the same soul," he said wetly.

"Do you think that was our souls connecting?" she asked.

"Whatever it was, it was beyond anything I've ever felt in my entire life. Absolutely earth shattering," he said as he nuzzled into her neck.

"Yea," she agreed as she held him close.

As Spencer fell asleep in her arms, J.J. stared into the darkness. After tonight, there was no turning back. She was sure a piece of her left her body and latched onto Spencer. She knew without a doubt, he was her forever. Nothing would take him away from her …

_(xxxxx)_

_A/N: there you go Jeid lovers! Hope that was everything you hoped for and more. Don't worry there is more of that to come! I'll try and have the next chapter up this weekend. Thanks for the love and comments! xoxo_


	15. Chapter 15

"And?" Penelope said as she eagerly anticipated J.J.'s response.

"It was breathtaking," J.J. sighed.

Penelope squealed, Tara whooped, and Emily scrunched her nose.

"I'm not exaggerating either. He is hands down the greatest lover I've ever had," she said as she took a sip of her Margaretta. "You know how I said I hate guys going down –"

"Oh, God, no! Stop, ok, I've heard enough," Emily said waving her hand around.

"What?" J.J. asked genuinely confused.

"He's like my brother … I can't even imagine him having sex let alone … ugh," Emily shuddered.

"Well, plug your ears, cause I want all the details!" Penelope said as she swam across the jacuzzi to sit next to J.J. "Tell me everything!"

J.J. laughed at both Emily and Penelope.

"Sorry Em," J.J. apologized.

"It's ok, I get it. I'm being old about this, go ahead and gush. I'll try to picture someone else," she said throwing her drink back.

"So, he went down on you?" Penelope said picking right up where they left off. "And you let him?"

"Well, he asked and –"

"Oh my God, he asked?" Tara said laughing. "I've never had a guy ask to do that before. Usually it's him asking me to pleasure him. I'm an afterthought."

"No, Spence was so loving and so gentle and so passionate," J.J. said as her eyes glazed over happily.

"Yea, I can't do this. I'm going to refill, call me when you're done," Emily said climbing out of the hot tub.

"So, he asked. What did he say? Was he just like 'J.J. let me eat you out?' or was it all romantic like 'can I kiss your other lips?'"

Tara and J.J. burst out laughing as Penelope looked at them innocently.

"No, he just kinda went there and I told him I didn't like it and he was like 'can I try? If you don't like it, I'll stop and never ask again'," she explained.

"I don't know why we should be surprised by this. Everything Reid does is to benefit others. Why would he be any different in a relationship," Tara said before sipping her drink.

"I'm jealous," Penelope sighed with her hand on her heart.

"I mean, you could have the same thing if you would open those pretty little eyes of yours," J.J. said with a raised brow.

"What's that mean?" Penelope said truly confused.

"Oh, I dunno, seems to be me that a handsome Latino might be more than willing to make you scream," J.J. said with a smirk.

"Alvez?" Tara said excitedly.

"What? Newbie? No way, uh uh, nope. That is a big no," Penelope said waving her hand in front of herself.

"Thou doth protest too much," Tara teased.

"Please you two aren't fooling anyone with your love to hate each other act. It's obvious he's hooked on you and the only reason you won't give in to your feelings is because of Morgan," J.J. said.

"What? Morgan is married! And we were … are just friends," Penelope stated.

"You know it's not a betrayal, right? It's ok to like the guy. Morgan would want you to find happiness and hell, he even likes Luke," J.J. said.

"Ok, can we go back to your sex life and get out of my everything life," Penelope said a little irritated.

"Alright, I'm sorry. I just want you to find the kind of happiness I've found, and I think Luke would give that to you," J.J. said softly.

"And he's smokin' hot," Tara piped in.

"I get the point, now please," Penelope said turning red.

"Ok, what else do you want to know?" J.J. said turning the topic.

"Did you orgasm?" Penelope asked flipping back to her bubbly self.

J.J. laughed and nodded.

"On which part? The oral or the sex?"

"Both."

Penelope shrieked and threw her hands up, making the girls laugh again.

"Twice!? He got you off twice!?"

Emily walked back out on to the patio with a frown. Tara was the first to notice.

"Uh oh," she said making J.J. and Penelope turn around.

"Sorry ladies," Emily said holding up her phone. "Just got a call, looks like the Chameleon is back at it."

They all sighed and climbed out of the hot tub one by one. Time to sober up and get to work.

(xxxxx)

J.J. and Spencer were sent to a mansion where it was suspected Lynch and his mom were holding a young teen hostage. They climbed out of the SUV, double checked their safety vests, and lined up out front of the mansion with the dozen SWAT officers.

"We need to get Olivia out of there," J.J. said as she surveyed the house.

"I've got an idea," Spencer said as he pulled out his cell phone.

J.J. listened as he negotiated with Roberta Lynch. After a few moments, the front door opened, and Olivia ran out crying for help. J.J. ran to the young girl, wrapped her arms around her and steered her to the waiting ambulance.

"Everything is going to be ok. You're safe now," J.J. assured the girl.

"He killed my mom," she sobbed as an EMT intercepted Olivia.

"Do you have any other family we can call?"

"My Grandmom lives nearby," Olivia whimpered as the EMT began checking her vitals.

J.J. was pulling her phone out of her pocket when it lit up.

"Rossi, hey," she said as she watched Spencer and SWAT heading toward the building. "Wait, what?" Her heart nearly stopped as she listened to Rossi tell her that Roberta planned on killing herself along with Everett. "Spence! Stop!"

Before she could even move from her spot, the mansion exploded. She turned her back and shielded herself from the debris flying everywhere. She dropped her phone and took off running to Spencer who was lying on the ground.

"Spence, can you hear me?" she said as she knelt down next to him in the dirt.

His eyes were squinted, and he looked around confused. His hair ruffled and blowing in the wind. His clothes covered in dirt and pieces of the building.

"Don't move, just stay still," she said as she looked for help.

He sat up more and brushed at his clothes and vest. She could tell that he wasn't hearing her when she spoke. She stood up and waved for an EMT who ran over to her.

"Sir, can you hear me. Please stay still," the woman said.

Spencer disobeyed and stood up.

"Spence, stop! Let her look at you," J.J. pleaded.

"Fine. I'm fine," he mumbled as he slowly started walking away from the burning building.

"Agent, I can't look him over if he doesn't stand still," the EMT said.

"Give him a minute, I'll get him," she said as she ran after him.

As she walked with him, she saw her phone on the ground, still connected to Rossi. She bent over and picked up the phone.

"Rossi?"

"J.J. thank God! What happened? We're on our way!" Rossi said.

"You were right. She must've had a bomb with her or something. She blew up the house," she said as her adrenaline began to wear off.

"Is Reid alright?"

"I don't know. I think so. I don't see any visible injuries, but he won't let medical look at him," she replied as Spencer reached their SUV and climbed inside.

She stood next to him, watching as he angrily ripped the vest off and threw it in the backseat.

"Any casualties?" Rossi asked.

J.J. turned back to the mansion, putting her hand over her eyebrow to shield her eyes from the sunlight. She watched as sheets were tossed over one of the SWAT officers.

"At least one," she sighed, knowing the pain this was going to cause Spencer.

"We should be there in 15 minutes," Rossi said before hanging up.

J.J. looked back to Spencer who was leaning over, face buried in his hands. She could feel the distress seeping from him. She slowly walked closer to him and gently placed her hand on his back.

"How many?" he muttered wetly.

J.J. didn't want to tell him, but she knew he'd find out anyway.

"One currently," she said as she rubbed her hand soothingly along his back. "Spence, please let medical take a look at you."

"I'm fine," he said.

"Just to be safe –"

"I said I'm fine," he snapped, then took a deep, ragged breath and sighed. "Go help the others."

She wanted to protest further, but decided it was best to let him be for now. She'd text Emily and have her order him to get checked out.

(xxxxx)

Spencer knew it hurt J.J. that he was shutting her out. When she left a space for him on the plane, he walked past her to the furthest corner and curled into it. She glanced back at him with hurt in her eyes, but he turned his back on her and stared out the window.

He had given the order, without permission, that killed 6 SWAT officers. There would be 6 families getting a call tonight that their loved one wasn't coming home, and it was his fault. He knew Emily would defend his decision, but he broke protocol and ordered the breach on his own.

But it was the right thing to do. What happened was wrong. It shouldn't have happened that way. He was right about the profile. Roberta wouldn't kill herself and she wouldn't kill her son. It didn't make any sense. He felt like he was going crazy and this stupid headache wasn't helping any.

Emily ordered him to get checked over by medical. They saw no signs of a concussion or any external injuries but wanted to take him to the hospital overnight to be safe. He, of course, refused. He had a headache and probably a case of tinnitus, nothing he couldn't take care of on his own. Everyone seemed to be disappointed in his decision, but they'd all been in his shoes and knew he just wanted to go home.

When the jet landed, he gathered his things and slowly walked toward his car. J.J. followed closely behind. He could feel her itching to talk to him, but he appreciated that she remained silent.

"So, you want to stay at my place tonight?" she asked softly when he reached his car.

"I just want to go home," he replied.

"Ok, I want to get a few things from my house, but I'll head over –"

Spencer shook his head gently.

"No, I just want to be alone," he said staring at the car door handle.

"Oh," J.J. said hurt, but not surprised.

"I'm sorry. It's not you. I just need to be alone. It's how I process everything. I'll call you tomorrow," he said before leaning in to give her a chaste kiss on her cheek.

"Ok," she said as she watched him climb into the front seat. "I love you."

"You too," he muttered before shutting his door and driving off.

It felt like forever before he finally pulled up to his apartment. He felt nauseous by the time he reached his front door. His head pounding like the headaches he used to get years ago. He unlocked his door, stepped inside, and dropped his bag to the floor.

"I still don't get it. It doesn't make sense," he sighed as he placed his fingers on the bridge of his nose. "Roberta wouldn't do that."

Then something hit him. What if Lynch somehow got the upper hand? He had an escape route and he was the one who blew up the house? Which meant he was still alive. He had to tell Emily. As he turned to get his phone, his vision blurred.

The edges going black as the room began to spin. He tried to steady himself on the table nearby, but he lost his balance and slammed into the floor, losing consciousness.


	16. Chapter 16

"Hey Spence, um, just calling to see if you're alright. Call me when you get this," J.J. said before hanging up her phone.

She continued into the conference room where the team was sitting down to debrief yesterday's events.

"Where's Spencer?" Emily asked as she looked around the table.

"He's taking yesterday pretty hard. He won't answer the phone," J.J. said sadly.

"Poor kid, I've been in his shoes before and it isn't a good feeling," Rossi said empathetically.

"I think we've all been there at some point," Luke agreed.

They all nodded as J.J. looked at her phone again. Still no text or call. A beeping sound alerted someone in the room to a message. She looked up to see Emily reading her phone. Her eyes grew large and confusion etched over her face.

"Wait a minute … this can't be right … I just received the report that 7 bodies were recovered from the scene. Six are confirmed to be SWAT officers and one female body, suspected to be Roberta Lynch," Emily said with a furrowed brow.

"What? What about Lynch?" Rossi asked as his face paled.

Emily looked up at him with her jaw dropped.

"He set this up. He had an escape route," Matt said.

"So, he's still out there," Tara said, stating the obvious.

"But he got everyone he would've wanted … his biological father, his mother, his daughter … there's no one left," J.J. said.

"Not everyone, he still has me left," Rossi said as the group looked to him. "I'm the only one left he hasn't killed."

"Tara and Luke, I want you to make calls. We need surveillance on all our family members. J.J. and Garcia, go check on Reid, bring him here. The rest of us let's try and figure out his next move."

Everyone nodded and got up from their seats to get to work.

(xxxxx)

J.J. knocked on the door agq ain. Spencer still wasn't answering his phone.

"Spence, open up, please. It's about work," she said through the door.

"Can't we just open it?" Penelope asked, worry etched on her face.

"Give him a second. I don't want to invade his privacy," J.J. said as she knocked again. "I know you want to be alone, but we have a case."

After a few more knocks and no sound on the other end of the door, J.J. sighed and gave in. She dug into her pocket, pulled out her key and unlocked his door. It swung open and both girls gasped at the sight of Spencer unconscious on the floor.

"Oh my God!" Penelope cried as she started dialing 9-1-1.

J.J. dropped to her knees and placed her shaking hands on Spencer's throat searching for a pulse.

"He has a pulse," she said as she slowly turned Spencer's head toward her. "He's bleeding from the nose."

She could hear Penelope talking to the operator faintly in the background, but she was too focused on Spencer and her fear of losing him to pay full attention.

"Spence, can you hear me?" she said as she gently ran her fingers through his hair.

Suddenly, his body began convulsing violently. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and his throat let out a terrifying gurgling sound.

"Oh my gosh! Oh … he's seizing now … oh … oh," Penelope cried from the doorway.

J.J. reached out and loosened his tie, then slipped her hands around him, trying her best to turn him onto his side. She found this to be difficult considering the severity of his seizing. It was like trying to turn a car on its side.

"Please hurry!" Penelope sobbed.

"I'm right here, everything's ok," J.J. kept saying to Spencer as she tried to hold him on his side.

"They are nearby! They'll be here any minute!" Penelope called out.

It seemed like hours before Spencer's seizing ended and the EMT's arrived to rush him off to the hospital. J.J. sat shaking in the ambulance as she watched the workers hooking him up to machines and securing an oxygen mask to his face. Next to her, Penelope had called Emily to tell her what was happening.

"Go ahead Garcia you're on speaker," Emily said.

"Reid's hurt," she blurted.

"What?" Emily said suddenly giving her full attention to the call.

"He was unconscious when we got there. I don't know for how long. He's bleeding from the nose and he had this awful seizure," Penelope gasped as she covered her mouth. "They think he has internal bleeding of the brain."

"Ok, you and J.J. stay with him. Keep me updated constantly," she ordered.

Though she sounded calm, Penelope could hear the fear in her voice. This was going to shake the team something terrible, but she also knew that it was the fire they would need under their asses to find Lynch. Now it was beyond personal.

(xxxxx)

At the hospital, they were asked a bunch of questions but neither of them had the ability to make decisions. They would need Diana for that. Penelope volunteered to go get her, while J.J. stayed by Spencer's side.

The next hour, J.J. sat next to his bed watching him closely for any signs of life. Tears quietly slid down her cheek as she stroked his hand with her thumb.

"I guess this is how you felt when I was shot, huh," she said as she sniffled. "I'm sorry about that," she paused as words seemed to escape her. "This really sucks. I shouldn't've let you go home last night. I should've stayed with you. I should've trusted my gut."

She heard a ruckus in the hallway and turned in time to see Diana walking into the room, with Penelope right behind. J.J. stood up to greet her, but Diana's eyes were plastered to Spencer. She started shaking her head.

"No, that's not Spencer. It's ok, it's not him," she said as she looked to J.J.

J.J.'s heart shattered more at Diana's denial. Her lip trembled and she shook her head back at Diana.

"It is," J.J. said barely above a whisper.

Diana reached out and grabbed Spencer's arm. Her eyes located the scar he had received when he fell off the fence as a kid. He was trying to be a tightrope walker. Her eyes instantly filled with water and she reached out to cup her son's face.

"No, not my baby," she whimpered. "No, no, no. My poor baby."

J.J. leaned into Penelope, both girls crying as hard as Diana. The irony of life. All Spencer wanted was his Mom to get her memory back. Now she has full clarity and he is in a coma, possibly never waking from it.

They all turned at a knock on the door. A sympathetic doctor walked into the room carrying a clipboard, probably with Spencer's information on it.

"Are you Dr. Reid's mother?" the woman asked.

"Yes, ma'am," Diana hiccupped.

"Your son's CT scans show intracranial hematoma. There are two options, both require Dr. Reid to undergo surgery. One is less invasive than the other, but with either there are no guarantees that he won't suffer permanent brain damage. At this time, we need to make a decision quickly to ensure it doesn't worsen."

Diana looked panicked as she curled her fist against her lips. Her eyes darted between the doctor and Spencer. J.J. recognized the anxiety attack building and was afraid of setting Diana into a fit.

"Doctor, can we have a few minutes, please," J.J. asked softly.

"Absolutely," she said before leaving the room.

"I can't do this. I can't make this decision. I'm not right … I'm sick … what if I do it wrong?" Diana said looking to J.J. terrified.

"Diana, Spencer once told me that one of the most fascinating things about your disease was that no matter how hard it tried to take you from him, in your heart you were always there. He said that he could always feel you present with him, even if you didn't seem to be mentally. He said everything would be ok because the disease could never attack your heart," J.J. said as she stepped on the opposite side of Spencer's bed.

"He was always so much braver about this disease than I was," she said sadly.

"He trusts you. He knows that whatever you decide will be straight from your heart and with his best interest in mind," J.J. assured her. "We trust you too."

Diana looked to Penelope who nodded with an encouraging smile. Then she looked back to J.J. just as Spencer's heart monitor rang loudly and they looked to see him seizing again. The bed bounced wildly as he shook violently.

Diana began screaming as nurses ran into the room. J.J. pressed herself against the wall to get out of the way, while Penelope grabbed Diana and tried to soothe her. The doctor ran in and helped the nurses work on stabilizing him.

"Do we have a decision?" the doctor called out. "We need to get him into surgery immediately."

"The less invasive one," Diana whispered.

"She said the less invasive one," Penelope repeated.

The doctor nodded and the team unlocked his bed, wheeling him from the room quickly, leaving the three women standing in the middle of the empty room sobbing.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: you guys are amazing! Thank you for the awesome comments! I hope you are enjoying this. Don't worry, I don't like to drag things on forever. I have too many exciting things planned! Stay tuned for another update – tonight or tomorrow! xoxo_


	17. Chapter 17

Spencer walked into the BAU office, heading straight for his desk as he did every morning he worked. The office was empty, which was odd considering the time. He looked at his watch and noticed it wasn't working. Battery must've died. Maybe he was here earlier than he thought. He glanced at the sun shining through the windows and furrowed his brow in confusion.

"You're late."

Spencer turned around to see Gideon staring at him from his old office doorway. He had to be seeing things. He rubbed his eyes and looked to see Gideon still watching him. He was going crazy. The explosion must've caused him to hallucinate.

"You aren't hallucinating," Gideon said.

Spencer's eyes shot to his old mentor.

"What's happening?" he mumbled as his heart raced with anxiety.

"Welcome to the before," Gideon stated as he gestured around the office with his hand.

Spencer looked around to see other people now working at their desks, but they weren't familiar faces. He had no idea who these people were. He looked back to Gideon with a furrowed brow.

"The before?"

"Your brain is suffering from intracranial hemorrhaging. Parts of your mind are shutting down. The before is where you wait to either go back or go forward."

Spencer felt sick as he digested that information. This place was weird, he wasn't present, yet he could still feel emotions.

"Why are you here?" he asked looking back at Gideon who hadn't moved from his spot in the doorway.

"Because you are still angry with me," he said calmly.

"And this is somehow going to fix that?" Spencer said in disbelief.

Gideon shrugged. "Only if you want it to. You'll learn that what happens in the before is what you decide, within reason of course."

"Wait, you said that I have to wait here to decide whether to go back or go forward, does that mean everyone has the choice to live or die?"

"Unfortunately, no. We all have different options waiting for us when we reach the before. Just depends on circumstances surrounding the reason you are here."

"So, why am I here?"

"That head injury was the excuse your mind needed to unload all of the burden you've been carrying for the past 34 years. There came a point in your life when you stopped talking about your problems and started packing them away in a mental closet. That closet has been opened and it needs to be dealt with."

"Ok, so how do I deal with it? What am I supposed to do?"

"Come with me," Gideon said as he walked off.

Spencer hurried after him. They walked down the hallway until they stopped in front of the janitorial closet. Gideon opened the door and walked through it. Spencer followed with a furrowed brow.

A bright light blinded him. He lifted his arm to block the light and just as quickly as it appeared, the light was gone. He put his arm down and found himself standing in the middle of Gideon's old cabin. It looked the same way it had been the day they found Gideon's body.

"Funny how all those years of being an agent, I let my guard down for one moment and it was my demise."

Spencer stared at the spot where Gideon's body had been laying with a sheet over it. He could still see it clear as if it was yesterday.

"Go ahead. Say it," Gideon said.

Spencer looked up with tears in his eyes. He could feel the memories and the emotions flooding back into his veins. His hands clenched tightly.

"You just left. You didn't warn me. You just disappeared and left me a stupid note. You knew what my dad had done to me and you did the same thing. How could you do that? How could you abandon me when you knew how much I needed you?"

"I was a selfish man. I let the death of Sarah get to me and pushed everyone away rather than deal with the pain."

"Did you ever really care about me?"

"Like a son," Gideon said with sadness.

"Like a son? You were never there for me when I needed you. Where were you when I was detoxing? Why was Emily the only one out of _all_ of you that was there for me? She barely knew me, and she fought harder for me than you, Hotch, or Morgan. She saved me. I'm here because of her."

"It all goes back to the same answer. I was selfish. It was easier to pretend you could handle it on your own, then to admit I had failed you in the first place. Hotch and I both felt responsible for your kidnapping. We felt if we trained you better, it never would've happened."

Spencer rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest. Gideon stepped forward and placed his hand on Spencer's shoulder.

"I am sorry for the pain my behavior has caused you. If I was able to erase it, I would. I need you to know that despite my failings, I was always incredibly proud of you. You lived up to everything I expected and beyond. I may have left, but it wasn't because I didn't care about you. I left because I no longer cared about myself."

Spencer's lip trembled as he tried to hold back his tears.

"Why wasn't it enough for you that I cared about you?"

"As I said, I was selfish. I didn't feel worthy of your love and so I pushed you away. You can understand that feeling. You did the same with J.J. recently," he replied.

"You know about that?" Spencer said surprised.

"Do I get some credit for being the first to see that connection?" he said with a small smile. Despite himself, Spencer chuckled. "We are humans, Spencer. We make decisions that aren't always the best for ourselves or others. We can dwell on them forever, or we can choose to learn from it and move forward. Ultimately, we are the ones who decide what happens next and how things affect us."

Spencer looked down at his shoe that he shuffled back and forth against the wood flooring. He had done something similar to J.J. and she found it in her heart to forgive him. Maybe it was time that he forgave too. He looked up to see Gideon smiling at him. That rare smile that always made him feel like he conquered the world.

Spencer nodded his head a few times. "Ok."

"Ok," Gideon said, understanding him.

There was a knock on the front door. Spencer could see the silhouette of someone standing outside. He looked to Gideon who gave him a nod. Spencer reached out and wrapped his arms around Gideon, something he had only done once before.

"I love you," he whispered wetly.

"I love you too, Spencer," Gideon said. "Now, go."

Spencer nodded and let go of his mentor. He walked over to the door and turned the knob. His smile faded when he saw the man smiling back at him.

"Hey! Odd choice of visitors, but good to see you all the same, doc."

He couldn't find the words to speak. Staring back at him was a very happy looking George Foyet.

"Come on, quit dawdling," Foyet said walking off the porch.

Spencer looked behind himself to see an empty cabin. Gideon was gone. He looked forward and sighed before crossing over the threshold. Once again, his eyes were blinded by a flash of light and when it disappeared, he was walking into his living room.

Foyet was staring at Spencer's unconscious body lying on the floor of his apartment. Spencer remembered that he was reaching for his phone when he had fallen. He felt his stomach churn again as he looked at his own lifeless body.

"Eww, I hope they find you soon. You'll start to really stink if they don't. Not to mention your body fluids will definitely stain that carpet. Gross."

"Why are we here?" Spencer asked annoyed. "And more specifically why are you here?"

"You summoned me. I didn't ask to spend my day with you. As for, why we are here, that's something you need to answer, not me."

"You must represent the guilt I feel over the death of those officers," Spencer said.

"Yeah, can we talk about that for a second. How come I kill people and everyone's so sad, 'boo hoo, poor victims'. You kill people and everyone's 'boo hoo, poor Spencer'," Foyet asked as he picked up a book off Spencer's desk and looked at it.

"Because you killed intentionally. I never meant to hurt those men. I was trying to save lives," Spencer said angrily.

"You say that," Foyet began, his nose scrunched at the book he was reading. He rolled his eyes dramatically and threw the book over his shoulder. "But, if you really believed that, I wouldn't be here."

"I thought it was safe," Spencer insisted.

"Okey dokey, this house is very drab. That green looks like fungus. Did you ever think about painting it a lighter color? Maybe something that doesn't feel like you're walking into a commercial about depression?"

Spencer was about to snap at Foyet when he heard noises coming from the hallway.

"Oh, look at that. Sounds like you're going to be found," Foyet said before plopping down on the desk, his feet dangling over the side.

Spencer listened to the muffled sound of knocking and voices. After a moment, the door unlocked and swung open. He watched J.J. and Penelope cry out when they spotted him on the floor. Penelope made a call while J.J. dropped down next to his body.

"That the new girlfriend? She's hot. I'm impressed," Foyet said. "Shame I'm not alive. I'd love to play with her like I did with Hailey."

Spencer felt anger burn through him. He suddenly felt a searing pain. He dropped to his knees and threw his hands over his temples. He screamed in pain as his body on the floor began seizing.

"Uh oh, not looking so good for you, doc. You're having a seizure. Hope that ambulance gets here soon," Foyet stated.

"Why are you here?" Spencer shouted angrily. "What do you want from me?"

He writhed in pain as Foyet watched him curiously.

"I've already told you, you summoned me. I'm gone as soon as you figure it out."

Spencer held his head in his hands as he whimpered. It made thinking incredibly difficult. It slowly started to subside as his body stopped twitching nearby. He looked up at Foyet, panting as he tried to recover from the pain.

"You aren't just my guilt. You're my grief. You symbolize all the pain I've held in about the loss of victims, unsubs, and family."

"Smart, even with your brain slowly turning into pudding," Foyet said as he bit into an apple that seemed to come from nowhere.

The EMT's had now arrived and were loading his body on to the stretcher.

"And you need to know, it's not your fault."

Spencer turned to see Maeve standing behind him. She wore a beautiful white dress, her long brown hair pulled back in a ponytail.

"Maeve," he gasped wetly.

"Well, that's my cue. I'm not here to fix things, so do me a favor, doc? Don't call for me again," he said waving before following the EMT's out of the apartment.

Spencer looked back to Maeve and burst into tears. The biggest grief and guilt of all stood before him. He rushed forward and threw his arms around her.

"I'm so sorry," he sobbed.

"Oh, Spencer," she began.

"I was too slow. I wasn't smart enough. I didn't save you. I was right there, and I screwed it all up. I had it. I had her convinced and …"

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she said soothingly as she held him tightly. "You were so brave that day. I was so proud of you."

"What? How?" he cried as he pulled back to look at her.

"You seem to think that you are supposed to be able to save everyone. Spencer, if life was that easy, no one would die young. Some things are just written in stone, my love. No matter how hard we try to stop them."

"But why you? You were my world," he said as tears streamed down his cheeks.

"It was my time. I am just so grateful that I was able to love you for those last few months. I cherish those moments we had together," she said with a smile.

"Me too," he smiled through his tears.

"And now, you have J.J.," she grinned. He saw the true happiness for him shining through her beautiful eyes. "You found love again and not just any love, a real rare kind of love."

Spencer looked to the door where J.J. had recently been. She must be terrified right now.

"She's incredible," he sighed.

"I know what you're thinking," she said making him turn back to look at her. "There's plenty of room for both of us in there." She tapped his heart. "Don't you go getting in your head now and thinking you have to choose between us. We had our time and while it was brief, it was brilliant. Now, it's J.J.'s time."

"How do I get back to her? I'm stuck here and …" he trailed off a moment, afraid to voice his real feelings.

"You don't want to stay here," she said softly. "That being said, I can't make you choose to stay or go. I'm only here to help ease your guilt and grief. You have to be the one to decide what path you want to go down."

"If I stay, do I get to be with you?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know your future."

There was a knock at his door. He glanced over his shoulder and then back to Maeve.

"'_If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together. There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is even if we are apart -'" _

"'_I'll always be with you'_ A.A. Milne," Spencer sniffled.

"All you can do is your best. If you've given it all you have, no matter the outcome, you've done your job. It's ok to feel grief, it's not ok to embrace it."

"I miss you," he said as another knock sounded on the door.

"And I you," she said holding out her arms. "No go. It's time to find your way home. Wherever home is to you."

Spencer gave her a hug before walking to the door. Just as with Gideon by the time he reached the door, Maeve was gone. He sighed and reached for the knob turning it. He nearly collapsed when he saw the person waiting on the other side of the door.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: hope you like this chapter. I had to add Foyet, because I actually think they make him humorous and I enjoy his little quips. Hopefully, you enjoyed his interaction in this. Thank you for reading! xoxo_


	18. Chapter 18

"Mom?" Spencer cried as he saw her standing on the other side of the door smiling at him.

"My baby," she said holding out her arms for him.

"Mom, why are you here? What happened?" he said panicking.

Diana laughed and waved him off.

"I'm not dead, don't worry. This is just a little part of me that I lost when I developed Alzheimer's. I am just waiting here until the rest of me comes," she said. She looked away from him and sighed. "My goodness, you got yourself into quite a pickle this time, didn't you? Always tempting fate."

Spencer walked through the door and saw that they were standing in the hospital. He was hooked up to machines, unconscious. J.J. was sitting next to him holding his hand, crying quietly.

"Nice to see you two finally got your act together," Diana said as she elbowed Spencer playfully.

"Mom, please tell me what's going on?" Spencer said distressed by the confusion.

"I figured this would be obvious. You're brain injury shouldn't affect you here," she said eyeing him out.

"I have no ill feelings toward you, so I don't understand," he started.

"Just because you don't have negative feelings toward me, doesn't mean you don't have negative feelings toward our life. You've always held onto the bitterness of your dismal childhood. Who can blame you though? You had to care for me, your father made a poor decision that he's beaten himself up over since –"

"Good, he should," Spencer replied.

"Humans do stupid things all the time –" Diana started.

"Yes, I know. Gideon said the same thing, but I was a kid. How could he just walk away and not worry about our safety?" Spencer said angrily. "I had to deal with being beaten at school and at home and he just wandered off like nothing ever happened. Lived his cushy life as a fancy lawyer, while we struggled. While I stole food to feed us."

"You endured more than a child ever should," Diana said empathetically.

"So did you! Why aren't you mad at him too? You could've had a better quality of life if he hadn't left," Spencer snapped.

"Maybe, but I had an amazing son who gave me the best life I could possibly have and every day I am grateful and so proud of him," she said smiling lovingly at him.

"But I put you in a home … and I wasn't there for you …" he said as he began to cry.

"My dear boy, so smart, and yet so clouded by anger and guilt. Do you not see putting me in that home was the best quality of life?" she said.

"You hated that place! You were so mad at me for putting you there in the first place!" he argued.

"That was the illness talking. You seem to forget how to decipher between the two. The healthy me, knew you were doing what was best for me. I knew you were being brave, and you were using every penny you made to place me in a great facility."

"Fuck, Mom," he huffed as more tears poured from his eyes.

"Language Spencer. This may be the before, but I'll still wash your mouth out with soap," Diana said making him laugh unintentionally. "You need to know that I am ok. Everything that happened to me is ok because of you. Your strength and your heart have gotten me this far into my life. You've never given up on me and you've always tried your hardest to do what is best for me. You even risked prison for me."

"Let's not relive that," he said with a half-smile.

"It's time to stop burdening yourself with my illness. There is nothing to be gained by questioning every decision you've ever made. Ahhh, perfect timing!" she suddenly said clapping her hands. She pointed to J.J. who was now talking to his "alive" Mom. "Listen!"

Spencer stepped forward and listened. J.J.'s voice started coming in clearly, as though someone turned the TV volume up.

"_Diana, Spencer once told me that one of the most fascinating things about your disease was that no matter how hard it tried to take you from him, in your heart you were always there. He said that he could always feel you present with him, even if you didn't seem to be mentally. He said everything would be ok because the disease could never attack your heart," J.J. said._

The volume seemed to cut out again. Spencer looked to his "dead" Mom with a furrowed brow. She smiled at him and sighed.

"Our minds my deteriorate on us," she said pointing to his head and then hers. "But no matter what, our hearts will never let us down. You have always followed your heart and that, my son, is the only path that will lead to the truth and happiness."

Spencer swallowed the lump in his throat. Had he really spent his entire life grieving over something he couldn't change? That he had really done his best all along and that was all that counted in the end? Suddenly, his head started throbbing and he dropped to his knees, as he had done in his apartment.

"It's time," Diana said looking down at him seriously.

"Mom, I don't know what to do!" he cried as he squeezed his temples that felt as though they would rupture at any moment.

"You do. Just follow your heart," she said.

"Mom, don't go! I need you! Stay with me, please!" he sobbed.

"Silly boy, I'm always with you," Diana said, but was nowhere to be seen.

Spencer was tugged down the hallway behind the nurses wheeling his thrashing body to surgery. He slid along the floor of the hospital, screaming for help. When he finally stopped in the brightly lit room, he jumped up in a panic. He could no longer see anything except for a blinding bright light.

"Someone help! Help me!" he screamed over the pain.

"Dr. Reid."

The pain vanished as quickly as it had come. He stood up and spun until he saw Chief Strauss smiling at him.

"It's time to make your decision. Do you go back, or do you go forward? The choice is completely yours," she said as she pointed out two dark black door shaped holes in the blinding light. "Go now, before you no longer get to choose."

Spencer looked at the two holes and then back to Strauss who nodded. He licked his dry lips and swallowed hard before turning and walking through the black hole in front of him.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: Shorter chapter, but I was on a role tonight! Hope you enjoy it! xoxo_


	19. Chapter 19

Four days had passed since the surgery and Spencer still hadn't woken. J.J. remained by his side, night and day, while the rest of the team went back to work as usual. It was late in the evening, when the door opened and J.J. turned to see Emily walking in.

She gave J.J. a sympathetic smile as she approached the bed. She placed her hand on Spencer's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Hey handsome," she said softly. "We needed you at work today. Took us an hour to solve this riddle that you would've gotten in less than a minute."

She turned her head towards J.J. who looked exhausted. Her eyes were lined with black circles and her eyes were blood shot from lack of sleep and probably abundance of crying. Her skin was pale, and it was clear she hadn't been eating much.

"Why don't you go home for a while. Take a nap. I can stay with him," she offered.

"No, I'm fine. I get sleep here and there," J.J. replied.

They stood in silence for a while as Emily stared at Spencer. He looked at peace. So, wherever his brain was, he didn't seem to be in pain.

"Why is it always him?" Emily sighed.

"I wondered the same," J.J. mumbled.

"Do you think it's time for him to …" Emily hesitated. "You know … throw in the towel? Maybe find something safer to do?"

"The selfish side of me wants to be able to see him at work every day, but when I see him like this … I think how much longer until his luck runs out? There has to be a point where you've used up all of your almosts," J.J. sniffled as she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

"It's weird. I don't see how we can continue without him," Emily said sadly. "He is irreplaceable. In more ways than just his brain."

"I'm starting to wonder if I want to do this anymore," J.J. said looking up at her friend.

Emily turned to her a little stunned.

"After I was shot, I seriously began considering a new career. The thought of Henry and Michael growing up without me … it scared me and now, seeing Spence like this … I just want a normal life. Where he goes to work, and I care for the kids. He comes home and dinner is waiting on the table for him and we take vacations together and we do normal things like normal people."

J.J. started softly weeping as Emily walked around to comfort her friend. She pulled J.J. into her arms and held her tightly, trying to hold her own emotions at bay.

"I think we all think about that at some point," Emily said. "And maybe we all need to reconsider our lives. The last few years have been insane. Maybe it's time for all of us to consider a change."

They both composed themselves and separated from their embrace. Emily turned back to Spencer and tapped his foot.

"And you, I'm starting to think you're being lazy and just don't want to work," Emily teased.

Spencer's fingers twitched. Emily looked at them and back at J.J. questioningly. Her eyes were riveted to that spot as well, mouth agape. Maybe it was another seizure.

"Spence, honey, can you hear me?" J.J. said hopefully as she looked at his face.

She watched him carefully for some kind of sign. She nearly collapsed when his eyes opened momentarily. They moved around the room landing on her, before rolling closed. J.J. hurried closer to his side. She placed a hand cautiously on his cheek, her other hand holding his hand.

"Spence, open your eyes for me, please," she almost begged.

His eyes fluttered open again. He looked at her under heavy lids as Emily hit the button to summon a nurse.

"Hey, can you hear me? If you can hear me, squeeze my hand," she ordered.

She looked to Emily and back to Spencer's hand, hoping for something. Then she felt his fingers curl ever so slightly over hers. It was a weak squeeze, but she knew it was an attempt none-the-less.

"Oh, thank God," Emily huffed behind her.

"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Keep fighting to come back to me," she said as happy tears now dripped from her eyes.

She lifted his hand and kissed the back of it.

(xxxxx)

The following morning, Spencer woke up fully. He had a headache as expected, but in general, J.J. was happy to see that he seemed healthy otherwise. He didn't speak other than a few soft yes or no responses.

Not long after Emily returned to see how he was doing the doctor came in to assess Spencer.

"Dr. Reid, how are you feeling?" Dr. Kato asked as she sat down on her rolling chair.

"Ok. Headache," he said in the same soft toned voice he'd been speaking in since he woke.

"That's to be expected. We can give you something for that," she stated as she began checking his vitals.

"Non-narcotic?" J.J. piped in.

"Yes, I saw his notes," Dr. Kato said, with no judgement.

"All of your vitals are looking great. I'm going to ask you a few questions, is that ok?"

Spencer nodded slightly.

"Tell me your name."

"Spencer," he said.

"Full name."

"Dr. Spencer Reid."

"Great. Where do you live?"

He looked up momentarily before looking back to the doctor.

"1500 West Madison Ave. Apartment number 23," he said.

"Good. When is your birthday?"

"October 17."

"Excellent. Any guess on today's date?"

He furrowed his brow as he tried to think. He looked at the doctor in a panic.

"Dr. Reid, it's ok. There may be a few things that you struggle to remember. Your brain went through some serious trauma."

Spencer nodded his understanding, but still looked concerned.

"Do you know who these two ladies are?" Dr. Kato asked.

Spencer looked at J.J., then at Emily, and back to Dr. Kato where he nodded.

"Emily," he pointed to her. "She is the Unit Chief of the BAU and J.J.," he pointed to her, "she is an agent in the BAU, like me."

J.J. looked to Emily with large eyes. She looked back to Spencer with a frown.

"Spence, do you … do you remember what happened between us?" she asked as her heart pounded.

He looked at her with a furrowed brow and shook his head.

"Are you dating anyone Reid?" Emily jumped in.

Spencer shook his head no. J.J. felt tears fill her eyes as she looked to the doctor who was taking notes. Spencer looked at Emily and J.J. in confusion.

"Dr. Reid, do you remember anything about the accident you were involved in?" she said watching him carefully.

"No," he replied.

"What is the last thing you can remember happening to you?" she questioned.

Spencer looked up at the ceiling. His eyes were moving rapidly as he tried to figure out what he remembered.

"Um, last thing I remember is Lily's birthday party. Matt had a princess party for her," he said.

Emily's jaw dropped and J.J.'s hand went to her mouth. Dr. Kato took in their reactions, as did Spencer.

"That's not right, is it?" he frowned.

J.J. looked at Dr. Kato, worried about what to say. She didn't want to discourage him, but right now, her brain was running a mile a minute. She couldn't think clearly.

"Reid," Emily said slowly and hesitantly. "That party … it was nearly a year ago."

Spencer's face creased with distress. He looked to Dr. Kato, his eyes pleading for help.

"It would seem your short-term memory has been affected. At this time, let's not worry. It is very possible that it's temporary. We can't and shouldn't assume the worst. For now, I suggest you continue to rest when possible, allow your brain to heal properly."

She turned to face Emily and J.J.

"I would limit visitors to no more than two at a time and I would keep the visit as short as possible. Don't tiptoe around his memories. Feel free to share photos and stories with him. It can help in his recovery process."

She spun her chair back to Spencer, who was worrying his blanket.

"Dr. Reid," she said getting his attention. "I know you are upset, but as I said, let's take it one step at a time. It is incredibly common in traumatic brain injuries to experience memory loss. We will work with you to help recover those memories."

Spencer nodded as Dr. Kato patted his hand. She stood up and walked out of the room, leaving Emily and J.J. watching him awkwardly. Finally, Emily took a deep breath and plastered a smile on her face.

"Hey, that beautiful brain just needs a little more rest. I'm going to head off to work, but I'll check in later. Everything will be fine. You've beaten the odds time and again. I don't doubt you for a second," she said.

Spencer nodded with a small side smile that was purely out of courtesy not actual happiness. Emily leaned over to give J.J. a quick hug before leaving the two of them alone. J.J. reached out and grabbed Spencer's hand.

"Why don't you take a nap?" she said.

"You should go home. Will and the boys need you," he said softly.

J.J. felt a pang in her heart. She closed her eyes momentarily and then opened them, hiding the pain she felt.

"It's ok," she said. "Will knows I'm here and the boys are fine. Just get some rest."

He gave her a small smile and then closed his eyes. J.J. waited until he was asleep before she let herself break. She silently cried into her sweater until she was so exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically that she fell asleep in the chair.


	20. Chapter 20

Spencer walked into his apartment and looked around. It all seemed familiar. He knew he was struggling to remember things, but he was relieved that he hadn't lost all of his memory.

One of the biggest surprises was his mother! He was thrilled to learn that she was going through a clarity phase. He found that to be ironic considering his current situation. Penelope brought her by to visit yesterday for lunch. It felt so amazing to be able to have a genuine conversation with her. He just wished it could always stay that way.

J.J. carried his go-bag to his bedroom, while he stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room.

"You want something to eat?" J.J. asked as she walked out of the bedroom.

Spencer shook his head gently. "No, thank you. Why don't you go home? I'm sure Will and the kids are dying to see you," he said with a smile.

J.J. still couldn't figure out how to tell him what had happened between them. She didn't know why, but she felt afraid that he would reject her. Maybe think less of her. She also worried it would upset him and set back his recovery process. All signs seemed to point to her keeping that information to herself for now.

"Um, they went to visit Will's cousin in New Orleans for the week," she lied.

"Oh, ok."

"What can I do for you? Do you want to watch TV? Read? Play a game?" she offered.

"If it's alright, I'd really like to go lay down. My head hurts a little," he said placing his palm gently over the small bald spot on his head.

Thankfully with the abundance of fluffy, messy hair he had, it was hardly noticeable. J.J. nodded with a smile. She watched him wander off to the bedroom, aching for him. She wanted to follow him to bed, wrap her arms tightly around him and never let go.

She sat down on the couch and covered her face. Her life seemed to be unraveling around her. She pulled her cell phone out and dialed Will's number. She needed some comfort. She waited three rings before he answered.

"Hello?" 

"Hey, can I say hi to the boys?" she asked trying to hold back her emotions.

"Henry is actually over Grant's house and Michael is sleeping. He has a cold," Will said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, ok. Is there anything I can do for Michael? I can drop off some soup?" she offered.

"No, we have everything we need. Thank you though."

"Alright, well tell them I love them and miss them so much. Maybe have Henry give me a call when he comes home?"

"Ok."

She didn't even get a chance to say good-bye before he hung up. Not that she expected anything more. She curled up on Spencer's couch, knees to chest and she cried until she faded from exhaustion.

(xxxxx)

Spencer was surprised when he woke up to see J.J. sleeping on his couch. He knew she was worried about him, but she really didn't need to stay with him. He walked over and looked at her sleeping form. Her eyes were dark and swollen. She definitely needed the rest and he didn't want to wake her. He grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and draped it over her body.

He wandered off to see what food he had for dinner. It was already 7pm. After browsing, he opted to just order out. He opened a drawer to retrieve a menu when he heard stirring from the living room.

He walked out to see J.J. stretching. She turned to see him and smiled.

"Hey, how was your nap?" she asked.

"Nice. I didn't have to worry about nurses poking and prodding me every thirty minutes. Plus, my bed is comfier."

"I would imagine," she said trying to hide the fact that her body was stiff from sleeping in a chair for days and then his lumpy couch.

"I was going to order some Chinese, would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Oh, um, sure that sounds good," she replied. "I'm just going to go freshen up." She realized her mistake of assuming his place was her place. "I mean, if that's ok?"

"Yea, sure. No problem. There are extra towels in the closet. Help yourself to whatever you need," he said not noticing her misstep.

After climbing out of the shower, J.J. noticed one of Spencer's shirts draped over the laundry basket. She walked over and lifted it to her face. It smelled like him. She tried to hold back her tears, but she gasped into the pink shirt. She buried her face in it and sobbed.

She jumped when there was a knock at the door. She threw the shirt back into the hamper and wiped her palms across her face.

"Jayje? Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm good," she said trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

She could feel him hesitating on the other side of the door.

"Um, I just wanted to let you know the food is here," he said sounding conflicted.

"Ok, I'm just drying off. I'll be out in a few minutes."

She heard him walk off and sighed. She had to get this under control. He didn't need any more confusion or drama. She quickly dressed in one of the outfits from her go-bag before exiting the bathroom. She threw her hair up in a messy bun as she walked toward the kitchen where Spencer was taking the food out of the bag.

He glanced up at her with concern when she approached the table. She could see him studying her. He stopped unpacking the food and moved to her side of the table. She did a double take when she realized he was next to her.

She was about to ask him what was wrong when he opened his arms and pulled her into a hug. She hesitated before slowly wrapping her arms around him.

"I can't imagine how difficult the past week has been for you. I want you to know I am grateful that you were there with me. You are my best friend and I don't think I tell you enough how much I love you."

J.J. lost it. She knew what he was saying was supposed to be comforting, instead it was a knife to her heart. It was only a week ago his I love you was meant in a completely different way. To hear him say it in the context he was now, tore at her soul.

"J.J.?" Spencer said concerned.

He tried to lean back to look at her, but she held him tightly, crying into his chest. She could feel him stiffening as he tried to figure out what was happening. She took a few deep breaths before letting go.

His eyes studied her with worry. She gave him a small smile and placed her hand on his cheek.

"You're welcome. I'm just so relieved you are alive," she said, trying to play it off.

He loosened a little at these words, but she could see he wasn't fully convinced. She wiped her cheeks and plopped down as though nothing had happened.

"Alright, let's eat. I'm starving," she said as way of distraction.

Spencer slowly moved to his seat and sat down, watching her as he did so. She continued to act normal the remainder of the meal, that he let it go. But something was definitely going on with her. Had he scared her that much? He would definitely be keeping an eye on her.

(xxxxx)

Another week had passed and nothing with Spencer's memory changed. The team took turns visiting with him, trying to rejog his memory, but it didn't help. On a beautiful, sunny afternoon J.J. picked him up for a picnic in the park with the boys.

Henry ran through the door and dove straight into Spencer's outstretched arms. Michael lingered by her side, shyer than his brother.

"How was New Orleans?" Spencer asked Henry.

J.J.'s eyes widened a little, while Henry turned to her with a furrowed brow.

"Hey, we need to get moving, these sandwiches aren't going to stay fresh for long," J.J. said lifting the basket in her hands shaking it.

Spencer nodded as he stood up and grabbed a light jacket and his purple scarf. He nodded he was ready, and they all headed out the door.

(xxxxx)

"Uncle Spencer, watch this!" Henry called as he did a flip on the monkey bars.

"Wow, Henry! You could be in the circus!" Spencer said before clapping.

"Watts me!" Michael said before doing an adorable lopsided somersault.

"You too, Michael! Incredible," he cheered.

J.J. smiled as she watched her three favorite boys play together. At one point, she noticed the three of them in a huddle. Every once in a while, they would glance at her, Michael and Henry laughing.

She watched as they casually walked toward her and suddenly, they let out roars running faster toward her. She stood up with a fake scream and took off running slowly. When they caught her, she dropped dramatically to the ground and called for help.

Spencer appeared lifting Henry off the ground spinning. "I'll save you!" Spencer cried as he then reached for Michael and held the two giggling boys in his arms. "Run save yourself!"

J.J. stood up running to the playground to "hide" in her castle. She watched Spencer trying to run with Michael hooked on his ankle and Henry clinging to his back.

"I'm not going to make it! Remember me always," he said as he slowly dropped to his knees and pretended to be dying.

With that J.J. ran out of the castle toward the boys. "No, I won't let them eat you! I can save you! The only way to beat them is to tickle them!" She began running her fingers along Michael's belly, while Spencer grabbed Henry and began tickling him.

Henry pretended to die dramatically, with Michael imitating his brother and laying down next to him in the grass.

"You saved me, fair maiden!" Spencer said as he grabbed her hand.

"You have to kiss her now," Henry said from the grass, still feigning death.

J.J. blushed and Spencer turned to her with a bow, kissing her hand.

"No, Uncle Spencer, that's not how they do it," Henry giggled. "You have to give her a real kiss and then you are married and become Prince and Princess."

J.J. looked awkwardly to Spencer who seemed to be trying to think of a way out of it. She leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.

"That will have to do. It's getting late and you little dragons need to get cleaned up before dinner and bed."

"Is Spencer staying with us tonight?" Henry asked as he got up.

J.J. looked at Spencer from her peripheral vision and saw the confusion on his face.

"Not tonight honey. Maybe he'd like to have a sleepover with you another time," she said as she gathered their belongings, trying to leave as quick as possible.

"Awe, man," Henry frowned.

"Come on. Help me carry some of this stuff," she said trying to distract them.

It worked and nothing else was said that was suspicious for the remainder of their time together. She dropped Spencer off at his apartment, wished him a goodnight without getting out of the car, and drove off as soon he entered his building. She hated lying to him, but she knew it was the right thing to do. She'd have to have a talk with Henry when they got home.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: thank you for the amazing comments! You all inspire me so much! I've been trying to find time to sit down and write, but it's been very busy with work. I will try my hardest to update within days of posting so you don't have to wait too long! xoxo_


	21. Chapter 21

A month had gone by with no change in Spencer's memory and J.J. had still insisted that no one reveal they had been dating. No one agreed with her, but she refused to be convinced otherwise. She truly believed it was for the best with his recovery. When she walked into work looking worse than ever before, Emily pulled her aside for a private conversation.

"What's going on?" Emily asked as she leaned against her desk.

"Nothing. Just not sleeping well," J.J. said avoiding eye contact.

Emily took a deep breath and sighed. Her body softening slightly.

"I know it's hard sometimes to feel you can talk to me. The lines of boss and friend can get a little blurry," she frowned. "But Jayje, if there's something I can do, I hope you won't hesitate to come to me. We were friends long before I took on this roll and I hope long after."

J.J. gave her a small grateful smile that only reached one corner of her lips.

"Thanks," she said.

Emily realized J.J. wasn't going to talk, so she did the next best thing she could do. She held open her arms and gave J.J. a hug. After they separated, J.J. trudged out to the bull pen and immediately saw Spencer telling Matt and Luke something.

They were both tying to seem supportive of whatever he was rambling about, but she could tell it was an act. Whatever he was sharing with them, they were not pleased to hear it. She reached her desk, just as Spencer glanced over his shoulder.

"Oh, hey, J.J., guess what?"

"What?" she asked as she sat down in her chair.

"I was grabbing coffee this morning at Books and Brews and the red head that works there, you've seen her, Rebecca?" J.J. nodded only half listening. "She asked me to dinner! Can you believe that? I've always thought she was beautiful, but I never thought she'd ever date a guy like me."

J.J.'s heart stopped. She was pretty sure that was literally. She was waiting to pass out from lack of blood flow and die right there on the floor of a shattered heart. She looked at Luke and Matt who were both watching her sympathetically.

"J.J. you ok?"

She looked to Spencer who was watching her curiously. She opened her mouth to talk but clenched it before jumping from her chair and running as fast as she could to the women's room. She burst through the wooden door, slid across the tiles, and barely bent over in time to vomit into the porcelain bowl.

She didn't realize she was crying as she continued to throw up all of her breakfast. Her head was pounding, her body on fire, and her heart completely broken. She flinched when she felt a hand gather her blond hair and pull it back.

It wasn't until she finished that she saw her helper was Emily. J.J. leaned against the stall, not even caring that she was sitting on a bathroom floor at work, sobbing like a crazy woman. Emily stepped back to wet a paper towel. She handed it to J.J., who wiped the sweat from her forehead.

"I don't know what to do," she suddenly cried as she slammed her head back into the stall wall.

"Well, start by telling me what's going on," Emily said leaning against the frame.

"Spencer's got a date," she said.

"Just tell him Jen. If he knew he wouldn't be going on a date," Emily insisted. "I don't know why you are so afraid –"

"I'm pregnant," she whispered before covering her face.

"Oh my God, Jayje," Emily said kneeling down in front of her friend. "That's wonderful –"

"He doesn't remember being with me. He doesn't remember loving me. He doesn't even remember sleeping with me. How in the world is he going to react when he finds out that not only are we dating, but oh and he's going to be a father," J.J. said in wet frustration.

"He'll be happy. He might be caught off guard and need time to adjust to the news, but," she said with a smile. "He will be thrilled. Spencer has always loved you."

A throat cleared in the room. Emily and J.J. leaned out of the stall to see Spencer staring at them with a mixture of emotions running across him. J.J. gasped as Emily helped her scramble to stand up.

"Is it true," he muttered barely loud enough to hear.

"Spence," J.J. whimpered.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why did you keep this from me?" he said as his voice cracked.

"I was afraid –"

"Of what? What have I done that could possibly make you afraid?" he seemed to mull it over and got a strange look in his eyes. "This was your out … me forgetting? But the baby ruined that?"

"What?" J.J. cried in disbelief.

"Spence –" Emily tried.

"I need to go," Spencer said turning and leaving the bathroom.

J.J. ran after him, grabbing his arm as he reached the end of the hallway. She looked around, hoping they wouldn't make a scene in front of anyone.

"That isn't it at all," she said as he yanked his arm out of her grip.

"Jen, if it's true that we were together, you lied to me for 8 weeks. You pretended we were friends just like before. You let me make a fool of myself around everyone. Not remembering what happened is bad enough but finding out my _friends_ …. _YOU_ … knew something important and kept it from me …" he shook his head in frustration. "How can I ever trust that anything you guys tell me is true? How can I ever trust _you_?"

J.J. was now weeping openly, shaking her head.

"Spencer, please," she begged.

"I'm going home. Don't follow me. Don't call me. Don't come to my house. I need to be alone," he said as he turned from her and went to retrieve his things.

J.J. watched from the glass door as he ignored Matt and Luke's plea to talk. He grabbed his satchel, threw it over his shoulder and stormed passed Rossi, who appeared to help. He pushed the glass doors open and went for the elevator, not turning around.

"Spencer, I'm sorry, please. I screwed up, let me fix this. Please don't do this," she pleaded.

"You did this to yourself," he said as he stepped on the elevator and pressed the button that closed the doors.

She probably would have collapsed to the floor right there, if Emily hadn't been there to wrap her arms around her and lead her off to Emily's office.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: First a HUGE thank you to my newest reader Tracy – you are awesome and I appreciate your comments so much! Of course, thank you to everyone who has been following the story and to those leaving comments. You all make me want to keep writing. It makes my day! xoxo_


	22. Chapter 22

J.J. was relieved that Will had the boys for the week. She left work not long after Spencer left and spent the day wallowing in self-pity. The sun had already set, and her stomach growled hungrily. She considered getting up to eat but couldn't find the energy to roll out of bed.

That's when she heard knocking at the door. She sighed. She really did not need a visitor right now. She knew her friends meant well, but the idea of entertaining anyone's pep talk was not something she wanted to deal with.

After another round of gentle knocks, she groaned and rolled out of bed. She slipped her white robe over her white boy shorts and baby blue tank top. She shuffled slowly to the door, hoping by the time she reached it, whoever was on the other side, would have left.

She unlatched the door and unlocked the knob and swung the door open. She was startled to see Spencer standing in front of her. He wore the same suit and tie that he'd worn to work, but it wasn't as crisp as it had been before. She smelled the alcohol on his breath when he lightly asked if he could come in.

J.J. couldn't find her voice, so she stepped aside and used her arm to gesture him in. He ducked his head and stepped into the dark room, lit only by the small lamp on the end table by her couch. After locking the door, she walked toward the living room, where she flipped on the floor lamp. The room lit up with a comforting orange glow.

J.J. sat down on the couch and waited for Spencer to do the same. She felt the sting of pain when he sat at the opposite end of the couch. Far enough away from her that she knew why he had come. She watched as he rubbed his hands together nervously and avoided looking at her.

She felt the tears building as she waited for him to talk. Her knees were curled into her chest and her chin rested on her knees. Arms wrapped around her legs. She didn't want to start the conversation that was going to end them. She would sit and wait in silence the rest of her life if it postponed what he was about to do.

She watched him lift his head and glance at her. He looked wrecked. His hair a mess, his eyes blood shot. She imagined some of that was due to the alcohol, but not all of it. He swallowed and cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted at work today. It was unprofessional," he began.

"It's understandable. I'm sorry you found out that way," she said, her heart racing.

"Which leads me to why I'm here," he said. His tone changing to one of disappointment.

J.J. shrugged as she tried to hold back her emotions.

"I thought I was protecting you –"

"That doesn't make sense, Jen. How is keeping memories … keeping _my life_ from me protecting me?" he said in frustration.

"When it all happened, you were really upset about it. I guess I was afraid of stirring up those feelings again. We were at a good place and I was scared of losing it again," she said sadly.

"Don't you see how unfair that is? You took my memories and you made choices for me. You decided my future. Jen that isn't protecting me, that's protecting yourself!" he said.

Despite her efforts, a few tears trickled down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I didn't … I thought …" she couldn't organize her thoughts.

"You had me living a lie. You had the team and your boys living a lie."

J.J. hiccupped a sob as she buried her face in her knees. She was too humiliated and heartbroken to hear the rest. How can someone her age, still be so stupid about her decisions. She heard the couch cushions rustle and a weight next to her.

_This is where he hugs me goodbye._

"You never gave me the chance to be happy about it," he said softly.

She felt his hand on her back. She looked up at him through her hair as tears streamed from her eyes. Spencer reached out and tucked the hair behind her ear. His thumb brushing away the tears as he cupped the side of her face.

"Imagine finding out that something you dreamed of for 15 years was finally a reality," he said holding eye contact with her. "I just wish I could remember it. To remember our first kiss. To remember what it felt like making love to you."

J.J. closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. A small wet laugh escaped her as she shook her head.

"It was wonderful," she said crying.

"I can only imagine," he said with a gentle smile.

"It doesn't have to be that way," she said sniffling. She sat up and turned toward him, her legs curling beneath her. "We can do it again. I can show you how amazing it was."

Spencer slumped a little and sighed. J.J. felt her heart breaking.

"Please, I know I screwed up. I made a selfish choice, but I need you Spence. Ever since we got together my world finally made sense. You were everything I was always missing, and we were so happy together. We planned on buying a home together," she pleaded as the tears returned in full force.

Spencer glanced at her and looked down at his lap.

"Please. I love you so much," she said causing him to double take.

She forgot that he hadn't known they said that to one another. She grabbed his hand and held it tightly in hers.

"I love you Spencer Reid," she said again. "Please."

He jumped up suddenly and started pacing, leaving J.J. stunned in her spot. Her eyes were wide, and her jaw dropped as she watched him move like a caged animal.

"I don't know, Jen. I'm so mad at you," he said as he ran fingers through his hair. "God, I'm so mad and yet, I'm so happy. I'm with the woman of my dreams and we're having a baby and I want to be thrilled about it, but I'm so mad that you kept it from me. How do I just let that go?"

He looked to her with distress. She scrambled to her feet and hurried toward him.

"I don't know. I don't know how you just let it go. But whatever you need, I'll do it. I'll fix this. Please, let me fix this. Please, don't shut me out. I know I don't deserve that, but I'm begging you to let me make this better. The baby and I need you," she said.

"There's no question I will be there for the baby," he said, breaking her heart.

She, unintentionally, whimpered as she tried to steady her breathing. Her hands shook as she tried to gather her thoughts. She looked up to see him watching her with so much confliction in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If I could do it over, I would do it differently, but I can't, Spence. All I can say is, this is something incredible, what we have, and it's a once in a lifetime kind of love. Please, if any single ounce of you loves me," she stopped and took in a ragged breath. "Then please, give me a chance. Don't end us."

Spencer stared at her, his eyes moving rapidly back and forth, his brow furrowed as he tried to figure out what to do. J.J. shakily held out her hand to him. His eyes looked down and stared at it. She could see his hand twitching with indecision.

"Please," she whispered one more time.

Finally, he reached out his hand and grabbed hers, pulling her to him. His hands framed her face as he pressed his lips roughly to hers. J.J.'s hands clutched his arms as their kiss intensified. She opened her mouth, inviting him in and was rewarded with a soft moan from him. After a few minutes of passionately making out in the middle of the living room, Spencer pulled away, pressing his forehead against hers. His fingers tangled in her hair.

"That was amazing," he whispered.

"And that was just the kissing," J.J. said with a small smile.

Her stomach let out a loud rumble. Spencer chuckled as he leaned back and looked down at her belly.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"Starving," she sighed.

"How about I order us some dinner and you can tell me all about what happened between us. I'd like to know if I was super suave winning you over or if I was super dorky," he said with a grin.

"Oh, definitely super dorky," she teased.

Spencer laughed as he pulled out his phone and they walked over to the couch together.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: have I mentioned how much I love you guys! Your comments are so awesome and some even made me laugh! I'd like to thank Tracy Evans, BookDragon2013 (you cracked me up), MayisGJ, OneTrueAkatsuki, Saku Hyuuga, Ember Reverie, Smallville83, ccce410, Ov123, Lexcm, , Titi25, madcloisfan, Spgan and cherubimbean. You guys are the best! xoxo_


	23. Chapter 23

J.J. had spent the last hour telling Spencer everything, while they ate dinner. As he listened, occasionally he would glaze over. He told her that there were times when what she told him felt familiar, but he just couldn't recall it in his mind. Once they finished eating and cleaned up the mess, they retired to the living room.

J.J. sat with her legs draped over Spencer's legs, his hands holding firmly to her calves, as though she would suddenly plummet from the couch.

"So, can I ask what you did after you found all this out?" she asked as she leaned back across the couch, resting her head on a pillow.

"Well, I walked for a while. I had a lot of things running through my mind and I was having trouble sorting it all out. It's weird … this whole memory thing. It feels like a joke almost, ya know?"

J.J. didn't respond. She knew it was rhetorical.

"Like how is it possible to remember my entire life and yet, I'm told I'm missing a chunk of it? It's like I woke up in an alternate dimension or something. I dunno, it's crazy –"

"It's not crazy," J.J. interrupted. "It's not crazy at all. I can't imagine how strange that would be to find out your reality isn't the reality you remember."

"I guess, I can finally understand my mom a little better. Which leads me to where I ended up. I remembered being told mom was lucid so, I went to see her. I told her what happened, and we talked it out for a while.

After I left there, I stopped by a bar to sort through my thoughts some more. I was still struggling to believe what was happening. It still didn't feel like anything was real. Like maybe I was still trapped inside my mind. I dunno," he shrugged.

"So … do you still feel like this isn't real?" she asked with a furrowed brow.

"I guess, a part of me does. I heard what you said, and it all makes sense, but honestly," he said looking at her with a pained expression on his face. "I'm scared this isn't real and when I wake up … I won't be able to get over it … losing you and the baby."

J.J. sat up quickly, her hands on his cheeks, turning him to face her. She studied his face as she ran her hand through his hair and placed it back on his cheek.

"This is very real Spencer. We aren't going anywhere. Ever," she said as she stared deep into his eyes.

"It was easier being mad at you, then admitting that I was afraid I'd gone crazy or that I was still stuck …" he trailed off and his eyes glazed over.

"Spence?" J.J. said with concern.

He was silent for a few moments before he looked at her.

"I saw it," he said with wide eyes.

"Saw what?" J.J. asked.

"I saw you and Garcia … I saw you guys find me. I saw it all happening. I was standing right nearby watching it happen with … with Foyet."

"George Foyet?" J.J. said as her eyebrows lifted in surprise.

Spencer nodded as the memory of that place shot like rapid fire through his mind.

"It was called the before."

"What was?"

"When I passed out, I woke up in this place called the before. Gideon was there. He told me that the before is where people go to wait to go back or to go forward."

"Spencer, you're losing me," J.J. said now sitting with her knees tucked under her.

"I guess it's like a place before you either come back to life … or die," he said looking at her.

"So, you had a choice?" J.J. said shocked.

"I did, I think, but Gideon said that not everyone has the same options when they get to the before. I dunno. All I know is for me, I had to sort through all the things I had been keeping locked up inside of me. All the pain and hurt. Gideon said I'd been storing it inside for so long, this head injury was my minds way of cleaning it out, if you will."

"Wow, ok, so, Gideon is obvious, but Foyet?"

"My guilt over killing others. My mind battling with itself about how I am any different from a murderer. Why it's ok that I kill," he lifted his hand to stop J.J. from speaking. "I know. I know we do what we have to to save lives. That doesn't relieve the guilt of taking someone's life and after prison … it got worse because I started to lose the remorse I used to feel. I was beginning to lose who I was and the guilt that I didn't care like I used to, was hard to deal with."

"Oh Spence," J.J. sighed. "I wish you would've told someone."

"I did what we all do," he said. "Compartmentalize. For some reason, our team is the worst at being honest when it comes to our vulnerable side. Which is amazing considering we are family and have taken bullets for each other."

J.J. let out a humorless guffaw. He was right. They never let their guards down as if admitting it would make them less of a person.

"Anyway, after the ambulance took me away, Maeve appeared. Obviously, I had to deal with the guilt of losing her. Of blaming myself for not being able to save her life. She told me …"

He stopped with his mouth opened, mid-sentence. His eyes widened again, and he slowly turned to look at J.J. who was watching him with a mixture of concern and anticipation at what he was thinking.

"We talked about you. She was happy for us. She told me I found a real rare kind of love and when I panicked, she told me there was no need to choose between us … that it was ok because we had our time and now it was your time. And then I asked her how I get back to you … J.J. I knew about us! I knew and I wanted to get home to you!" he said as tears filled his eyes.

J.J.'s lip trembled as she smiled at him. She reached out and grabbed his hands, holding them tightly in hers.

"I … I was with my mom … uh, not really my mom, the healthy part of my mom … that part of her brain that's always been missing … anyway, I saw you. You were holding my hand at the hospital and you were crying. And then I heard you say "_Diana, Spencer once told me that one of the most fascinating things about your disease was that no matter how hard it tried to take you from him, in your heart you were always there. He said that he could always feel you present with him, even if you didn't seem to be mentally. He said everything would be ok because the disease could never attack your heart"_," he recited rapidly.

J.J.'s jaw dropped. She remembered saying that to Diana. This out of body experience was starting to get creepy. He was seeing things that he shouldn't have been able to see and hearing things he shouldn't have been able to hear. The only way possible would be if he really was standing outside of his body watching it happen.

"And then, mom she told me that as long as I followed my heart everything would be ok. Then they were pushing my bed out of the room and I was being dragged with it. I was scared and I kept screaming for help. I ended up in this empty room with two black holes and Strauss was there. She told me I had to pick whether I wanted to live or die, and … and I ran for you. I ran as fast as I could to get home to you because I wanted you … I needed you."

J.J.'s sob caught in her throat as she threw her arms around his neck. They both clutched one another tightly, realizing how close they had truly come to losing everything. If he had been convinced to stay, this moment wouldn't be happening.

"Thank you," she cried into his neck. "Thank you, thank you."

"I love you J.J. I remember that, I remember loving you. I remember knowing that you were waiting for me and I needed to come home to you," he said as he shook in her arms.

They both cried until there was nothing left to cry out. J.J. finally wiped at her face and let out a small laugh.

"I think we've had all the revelations we can handle for one night. Why don't we get some rest," she said, as she held her hands out for him to grab.

He nodded and stood up with her help. Spencer washed up in the bathroom, while J.J. got into her pajamas. When he was finished in the bathroom, she went in to clean herself up. Once she emerged, she saw Spencer laying on his side watching her with exhaustion. She gave him a half-smile that he returned as she slid into the bed.

Their arms instantly wrapping around each other as J.J. settled her head against his bare chest. She sighed as she soaked in the moment. Her senses were on hyper alert after their evening chat. Everything needed to be engrained in her memory now. The threat of nearly losing him and realizing just how close it actually was, caused her to focus on every detail of their moments together. She was never going to take an ounce of their time together for granted. Not anymore.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: Not the greatest chapter, but it needed to be addressed in order to move forward. Hope you like it – hope you are staying safe wherever you are! Thanks to all my readers and commenters – you guys are amazing! xoxo_


	24. Chapter 24

"So, you have your memory back?" Garcia asked as she bit into her pizza.

"Not really, but I'm ok with it. I remember enough to let it go," Spencer replied.

A week had passed since Spencer recalled his time in the before. He didn't tell anyone what happened except for J.J. and he wanted to keep it that way. Not that he wanted to keep more secrets, it just felt personal and he'd rather not live it again.

It was Friday night and they had tried to meet at a local bar, but the loudness had an unexpected effect on Spencer. He almost instantly got a headache and felt sick. Once they left and got him somewhere quiet, he started to feel better. So, they ended up going back to Luke's apartment for pizza and beer, water for Spencer.

"Good for you," Luke said before tipping back his drink.

"Did the doctor say when you can return to work?" Garcia asked.

"I can start back anytime I feel ready, but I can't go in the field until I'm cleared by the neurologist," he said. "I have an appointment with them in two weeks."

"It'll be good to have you back, brother," Luke said with a smile.

"Thanks," Spencer said with a shy smile.

J.J. looked at her watch and frowned.

"Ugh, guys, I don't want to be that person, but we should get going. Will's dropping the boys off early tomorrow," she said as Spencer started gathering their trash to throw away.

"This is the first time they'll be back with you since all of this?" Garcia asked as she helped Spencer.

"Sort of. We've seen them a few times, but it'll be the first time they come to stay for a few days. Will and I still need to work out a schedule."

"How's he been about all of this?" Garcia said softly as Luke and Spencer walked off to the kitchen.

J.J. made an 'eh' face and shrugged.

"He's been patient about the entire thing, though I can read his anger clearly. I'm just glad he isn't the type to put the kids in the middle of this."

"That is good. I give him credit for that. Shows the kind of man he is," Garcia said and then looked quickly at J.J. as though she'd said something wrong. "Not that I mean anything by that."

"It's fine. He _is_ a good man and like I told him, this wasn't something I chose. If I had the choice, I would never break up our family. But that's not how it worked out. I'm head over heels in love with Spence and to try and pretend that isn't how I feel, isn't fair to any of us."

A big grin stretched across Garcia's lips.

"Do you know how much that makes my heart soar to hear you say that?"

J.J. didn't get a chance to answer as Spencer and Luke entered the room again. Spencer walked straight toward her, his arm lightly touching her lower back as he placed a kiss to the top of her head.

"Ready?" he asked.

"I am, thanks again for tonight guys. Sorry to be a party pooper," she said with a smile.

"It's fine. We'll find something to do," Garcia said.

"Oh, I'm sure you will," J.J. teased as her eyebrows danced up and down.

"Ok, ok, that's only cute when I do it," Garcia said shooing them toward the door.

They all said their goodbyes before Spencer and J.J. were on their way home. While driving Spencer looked over at J.J. curiously.

"When do you think you want to tell everyone?"

"About the baby?" she asked.

Spencer nodded when she glanced quickly at him before returning her eyes to the road.

"I don't know. I mean, Emily knows which is the most important," she said.

"Tell me what you're really thinking," he said as he reached for her hand and held it tightly.

She glanced at him again and could see him watching her. Damn profilers.

"Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared that the boys are going to be mad at me. I'm scared at what Will is going to say, though his opinion doesn't matter as much."

"That's understandable. It's not like we planned for this … though not using a condom probably wasn't the smartest idea," he said thoughtfully.

"What do you feel?" she asked timidly.

"I guess, a little scared for the same reasons you are. But I'm also really excited. I never thought I would get the chance to be a dad, let alone have that child with you."

J.J. couldn't help smiling at his words.

"I'm excited too. I don't want you to think I'm not," she said squeezing his hand.

"I know," he replied, lifting her hand to kiss the back of it. "We wait until you feel ready and then we'll tell everyone."

"Have you told your mom?" J.J. wondered.

"Not yet. With all of the chaos and recovery … I never really took a moment to tell her. Maybe we could go see her for lunch one day and tell her together."

"That would be wonderful. Why don't we go Sunday? The boys would be happy to see her."

"It's a date," he said

(xxxxx)

Morning came too quick. By 6am there was a knock at the door. J.J. still in her pajamas and her fluffy pink robe, swung the door open. Michael was happily awake and dove right into J.J.'s arms, while Henry stood yawning with his hoodie pulled over his head.

"Good morning, little bug," J.J. said as he snuggled Michael in her arms. "I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too!"

Michael ran off to find something to do as J.J. pulled Henry into a hug.

"Hey bud, why don't you go lay down a little longer. I'll make pancakes when you wake up," she said.

He nodded and slowly trudged off to his bedroom. Will handed J.J. the boy's bags.

"I'll be working the next four days. If you need me though, just call."

"Thank you, will do," she said with an awkward nod.

Will nodded back before walking away. J.J. wondered if it would ever stop hurting seeing him. She imagined the guilt would never go away. She slowly closed the door and went to watch TV with Michael.

A couple hours later, Spencer strolled out of the bedroom to find a fort of blankets and sheets covering the living room. He could hear J.J. talking with Michael. He walked to the entrance of the fort and made a knocking sound.

"Password?" Michael's little voice sounded.

"Brussel Sprouts?" Spencer said.

Michael laughed. "Eww no."

"Uhhh, how about monster breath?"

Michael erupted into giggles again. "Nooooo."

Spencer heard his phone ping. He pulled it from his pocket and saw it was a message from J.J. He opened it up and smiled.

"Chase is on the case," he said reading the message.

"You did it!"

Michael pushed aside the blanket flap and waved for Spencer to come in. Spencer got down on his knees and crawled into the surprisingly spacious tent. He sat down next to J.J. and smiled.

"Wow, this is quite the fort, Michael," he admired.

"I'm Chase, not Michael. Mommy is Skye. You can be Mawshall," Michael explained.

"Oh, my apologies. Chase, I love your fort."

"Mommy, uh, Skye and I made it," he said proudly.

"You did a great job."

"We are weadin. You wanna wead with us?"

"Michael, there are two things in this world I never say no to. Coffee is one and reading the other," Spencer said.

"Here, you wead now," he said handing the book to Spencer.

"Morris the Moose Goes to School," Spencer read the title.

For the next twenty minutes they read the book, taking turns to act out different parts of the book together. When they finished, Michael's stomach let out a loud growl.

"Mommy, I'm hungwy. I want pancakes," he said.

"Ok, let's go ahead and get started. I can make more when your brother wakes up," J.J. agreed.

They were just putting the pancakes on the table, when Henry wandered out of the bedroom. His hair was standing in all directions. Reminded J.J. of Spencer.

"Good morning, feel a little better?" J.J. asked.

Henry nodded as he adjusted his glasses. He plopped into an empty chair and scratched his messy hair. Spencer came walking out of the kitchen carrying a bowl of fruit. He smiled brightly when he saw Henry.

"Good morning, Henry! How'd you sleep?"

"Hi Uncle Spencer," he said groggily. "Good."

They took a few moments preparing the drinks and plates before Henry looked to his mom, more alert.

"What are we gonna do today?" he asked.

"I figured I'd leave that up to you and Michael. Any suggestions?" J.J. said as she sipped her Orange Juice.

"Park!" Michael yelled.

"No, we always go to the park," Henry complained.

"What about the please touch museum? Have you been to one of those before?" Spencer asked.

"No, what's that?" Henry said.

"It's this cool place where you can explore different rooms that are built just for kids. For example, they have a dinosaur room where you can dig for fossils or climb through a dinosaur skeleton. Or climb on a boat and pretend you're a captain of the ship sailing through a hurricane and have to get to safety," Spencer said dramatically.

"Wow, that's sounds so cool! Can we go mom?" Henry said as his face lit up with excitement.

"Sure," J.J. said as both boys let out a whoop of happiness. "Finish eating and we'll get dressed to go."

(xxxxx)

"I will save you Princess," Spencer called out as J.J.'s head poked out of a second story play castle.

"Hurry, please! The evil king and his pet dog won't let me leave," she said sadly.

"I'll just use the front door since it's oddly missing," Spencer said making J.J. giggle.

"Not so fast, you'll have to get through me and my dog, Chase," Henry said as he jumped out of the castle's doorway holding a cardboard sword.

Michael followed behind barking and jumping up and down. Spencer lifted his cardboard sword and swung it at Henry who swung his back. The two of them battled playfully, both pretending to be injured but fighting on. Finally, Spencer stabbed Henry between his arm and chest. Henry clutched the sword as though it were stuck and fell to the ground, dying a slow painful death.

"I'm a good dog," Michael said looking at Spencer.

"I knew you were under the king's evil spell. You are now back to your regular kind self," Spencer agreed as he patted Michael's head.

"Go save the Princess," Henry whispered from the ground.

"Oh, right. Princess J.J. I'm coming for you," he said as he ducked into the castle and crawled his way through the tiny rooms and stairs until he reached her. "My fair maiden, you are free."

"My hero," she said as she placed her hands on his cheeks and gave him a quick kiss. "We will be married at once and the kingdom is ours."

"Good thing cause I'm pretty sure I'm stuck in here," Spencer said making everyone laugh.

After they made their way out of the castle, J.J. looked at her watch.

"We've been here for four hours already. Why don't we go get something to eat?" she suggested.

"Can we go to Rocket's?" Henry begged with his hands clasped together.

"It's fine with me," J.J. said as Spencer nodded.

(xxxxx)

No one had realized how hungry they all were. They barely spoke while they ate, and it wasn't long before all of their plates were empty.

"Today was fun," Henry said. "Thanks."

"Yea! Fun!" Michael said as he wiggled in his seat happily.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," Spencer said with a smile.

J.J. looked at Spencer and gave him a loving smile in return. She decided it was time.

"I know this hasn't been easy on you guys," J.J. said softly.

Henry shrugged and Michael just blinked at her.

"I haven't been around much and then with Uncle Spencer's recovery … I just hope you know how much I love you both and that I'm going to do my best to be around more. Your father and I are meeting this week to put together a set schedule, so you'll know when you get to be with me," J.J. explained.

"I like that," Michael said.

"Me too," Henry agreed.

J.J. swallowed as she looked at Spencer. He reached under the table and grabbed her hand. He gave her a reassuring nod as she turned back to the boys.

"Your dad and I plan to keep things as normal as possible for you, but there are a few things that will change," she said.

"Like you and Dad living apart?" Henry said.

"Yes, and if you are ok with it, Uncle Spencer and I would like to move in together. Find a house for us all to live in."

Michael looked at Henry, who looked back at him. Then Henry looked to his mom and Spencer.

"Yea, I'm ok with that. I like having Uncle Spencer around," Henry said.

"Me too," Michael agreed.

"Are you sure? I really want you boys to be honest about your feelings. We know this is difficult for you and you may have questions or concerns …"

"I'm sure. I mean, as long as I get to see Dad too, I don't mind. A lot of my friends at school have divorced parents, so it's not like I don't know how it all works," Henry said.

"Henry, I think it's important that I tell you, I have no plans on taking over your Dad's role. I will always be Uncle Spencer and that's one thing that won't change. And like your Mom said, I want you to always be honest about how you feel. If you think I'm doing something wrong or you are upset about something, I hope you'll tell me or your Mom. I want this to be as easy as possible on you and Michael," Spencer said.

"Ok. I understand," Henry said with a small smile.

"Me too," Michael said, though they doubted his 3-year old mind could fully grasp it.

"There's one more thing that's going to change," J.J. said.

Spencer could feel her pulse racing. He squeezed her hand tighter in encouragement. They were in this together, no matter what.

"We hadn't planned on having a big change like this, but Mommy's having a baby," J.J. said softly.

"For real?" Henry said, his face not showing his emotions.

J.J. nodded as did Spencer.

"Good, now maybe Michael will find someone new to annoy," he said with a grin.

J.J. and Spencer laughed.

"I don't want a sistew," Michael said. "You bettew buy a boy."

"It doesn't work like that Michael! It's in her belly," Henry said rolling his eyes.

"Mommy ate the baby?" Michael said with his face scrunched in disgust.

They all burst out laughing at his innocence. The rest of the drive home they talked about different baby names and when they thought the baby would be born. The boys promised not to tell Will, J.J. wanted to do that in person. He had to hear it from her. She would tell him when he came to pick the kids up.

By the time they got home, Michael was sound asleep. Spencer carried him in and put him to bed, while J.J. sat with Henry on the couch watching TV.

"Mom?"

"Yes, bud?"

"Can I ask a question?" he said still looking at the TV.

"Sure," she said running her fingers through his blonde hair.

"It's kind of weird … and well … I think people may make fun of me if my Uncle is with my Mom," he began.

"Ok," J.J. said worried about what he'd say next.

"Do you think Uncle Spencer would be mad if I didn't call him Uncle anymore? If I just called him Spencer?"

"Sorry, didn't mean to eavesdrop."

Henry and J.J. turned around to see Spencer standing in the doorway to the living room.

"Henry, you feel free to call me whatever you want. I don't mind," Spencer said with a smile.

"Ok," Henry said with his own smile.

"But now I have an important question for you," Spencer said seriously.

"What's that?" Henry asked.

"Do we pig out on ice cream sundaes or do we pig out on popcorn and candy?"

"Ice cream sundaes!" Henry said excitedly as he scrambled off the couch and into the kitchen.

Spencer detoured over to the couch and leaned down to give J.J. a kiss. She held his face in her hands tightly as they kissed. When they broke apart, she smiled brightly at him.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" she asked.

"You have and it's the greatest three words I've ever heard," he said with another quick chaste kiss.

"Don't eat too much dessert, I have a little treat for you later," she said with a smirk.

Spencer laughed as he went into the kitchen to help Henry make sundaes.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: Sorry for the delay my friends! This isolation has kept me oddly busy – imagine that. Hope you are all staying safe and healthy! I hope this brings a little joy to your day – lots of fluff for you to feel good with. Hopefully I can update quicker this time! xoxo_


	25. Chapter 25

J.J. sat anxiously waiting for Will to arrive. Spencer had taken the boys into the bedroom to play a game and she was grateful to hear music playing loud enough to hopefully muffle the impending conversation. Almost exactly at 6:30pm, there was a knock on the door. J.J. stood up and wiped her sweaty palms off on her pants.

She walked over and opened the door, smiling at Will who returned a small tight-lipped smile. She stepped aside, allowing him in.

"Do you want anything to drink?" she offered politely.

"No, I'm fine. Thank you," he said. "Sounds like a party back there."

"Oh yeah, they're playing a game," she said looking down the hallway, trying to avoid looking at him.

Will nodded as the awkward silence filled the air.

"So, they ready to go or?" Will asked.

"Yea, I just … I need to talk to you for a second," J.J. said as her pulse started racing.

"That sounds ominous," Will said eyeing her.

"I had a conversation with the boys the other day regarding Spencer and I moving in together," she began as Will shoved his hands deep into his pockets. "They were ok with it, so our hope is to get a house. Somewhere with a bit more room."

"I figured," Will said curtly.

"I know this isn't easy for you and I am so –"

"No," Will said waving his hand. "Enough with the sorrys. It is what it is, I don't want any more of your pity. I'll get over it."

"Ok, well, I also wanted you to hear this from me and not the boys or someone else," she said pausing and feeling queasy. "I'm expecting.

Will let out a humorless laugh.

"Well you two sure didn't waste a minute, did you?" he said.

"It wasn't planned –"

"You never plan anything Jen. Everything always just happens to you. You don't play a role in anything, do you?" he said angrily.

"That's not what I meant," J.J. said defensively.

"Why don't you take responsibility for the choices you make instead of acting like a victim all the time," he said as his voice rose.

"I've never played the victim!" she cried.

"You always play the victim! You didn't mean to get pregnant with Henry, you wanted to be with me but work was in the way, you didn't mean to fall in love with someone else, you didn't mean to have a child with him. Stop hiding behind your excuses and own up to the choices you've made!"

"What do you want to hear Will? What do you want from me?" she said as her hands shook furiously.

"I want you to stop this bullshit of oh I'm so sorry I left you Will. I'm so sorry that I got pregnant after barely three months of being with him. Just own it!"

"I do own it! I'm having Spencer's child and I'm happy about it! More than I ever was when it was yours!" she yelled.

"And there it is! The truth!" he shouted back. "Let it out Jen! Hit me with it!"

"The truth is I always felt like you forced me to be with you. You showed up at my job and told everyone I was pregnant without my permission. You guilted me into feeling like I had to be with you. You made me feel like I had to build the family you wanted. You never let me feel like I had a say in anything. It was always what you wanted and if you didn't get it, you pouted or threw ultimatums at me.

Now I make my own choices and I chose Spencer and I'm finally truly happy. He makes me feel valued and important. He makes me feel like my opinion matters. He respects my privacy and my decisions," J.J. said as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry you had such a horrible life with me! I gave up everything for you! I moved here for YOU!"

"I never asked you to! You did it on your own! You never asked my opinion! You just showed up and then made me feel like an asshole for not being excited about it!"

She heard the music down the hall grow louder. She covered her mouth and looked down at the floor. Embarrassed that she had let this conversation grow so heated and nasty. She didn't want to hurt Will. That was not her intention.

She took a deep breath. "Look, I know that I am to blame for holding back all these feelings for all these years and despite my anger and resentment, it would be foolish of me to pretend that we didn't have good times together. You are an incredible father and whether we planned it or not, I don't regret it."

"Sure, sounds like you do."

"Yeah, well, I got a little riled up, but I mean it. I don't believe that you ever did any of this intentionally and I do have some fond memories of being with you. But it wasn't right, and I know you know in your heart it's true. We both deserve better than what we were giving each other. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but I hope you find someone like I have and realize that this was for the best."

They both stood silently in the middle of the apartment not looking at one another. Finally, Will took a deep breath and stood a bit taller.

"I hope so too," was all he could say.

"I'll get the boys," she said awkwardly.

He nodded as she walked off toward their bedroom. She pushed the door open to see Spencer trying to distract them with silly dances. Michael was laughing and dancing, but Henry was sitting on the bed with a frown.

Spencer stopped dancing and turned off the music. He was watching her with concern, while Michael ran over and gave his Mom a hug.

"Hey bug, Daddy's waiting for you. Grab your bag and head out," she said as she leaned down to give him a hug and kiss.

Michael let go of his Mom, grabbed his little Paw Patrol bag and hurried from the room. She heard him shout a greeting to Will.

"Hey bud, you ready?" J.J. said softly to Henry.

"Yea," he said sadly as he stood up.

"Hey, come here," she said holding out her arms. He walked over and placed his head on her chest as she hugged him tightly. "I know that sounded bad, but everything is going to be ok. I promise. Your Dad and I were just a little angry at one another. It's ok to feel that way sometimes, but we will resolve it, just like we always do. And most importantly, we both love you and Michael."

Henry nodded his understanding as J.J. let him go and gave him a kiss on his cheek. Henry grabbed his bag and walked out of the bedroom. Once she heard the door to the apartment open and close, she plopped down onto Henry's bed and burst into tears.

Spencer walked over to the bed and sat down next to her. He pulled her into his arms and held her as she cried. He didn't say anything, figuring she just needed to sort through her feelings on her own. She'd open up once she felt better.

Eventually, he felt her calm down a little and her crying subsided.

"Why don't you go lay down for a bit. I'll make some dinner," he offered.

J.J. nodded as he helped her stand up. He guided her to the bedroom and tucked her in before placing a kiss on her temple.

"I love you," he said softly.

She rolled over and placed her hands on his cheeks. Her face was swollen, and her eyes were exhausted, but he still saw the love in them.

"I love you too and thank you for always being there for me," she said as tears welled in her eyes again.

"Always," he replied with a chaste kiss. "Now, get some rest. I'll come get you in a bit."

J.J. rolled over and closed her eyes, falling asleep almost instantly.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: thank you for the great comments! I hope it brought a little cheer to your day. Glad to hear some of you are safe and well! Hopefully all of this will end soon! Enjoy xoxo_


	26. Chapter 26

J.J.'s eyes fluttered open and she saw the time on the clock and gasped. It read 2:44am. She had been asleep for nearly 8 hours. She hadn't realized how tired she had really been. She looked at the untouched comforter on Spencer's side. He never came to bed.

She quietly walked to the bedroom door and opened it. She saw the table-side lamp was lit and wondered if Spencer was alright. She walked into the family room to find him sound asleep on the couch with an open booked draped over his chest. His head was flopped back, uncomfortably and his feet were stretched out onto the coffee table. He looked so sweet, she hesitated to wake him up, but he looked so awkward she didn't want him to wake up in pain.

She gently bent over in front of him and shook his shoulder while whispering his name. It took a few tries before he startled and jolted awake. He looked confused momentarily before his eyes settled on her and cleared.

"Hey, you ok?" he asked as he sat up straighter, his feet now touching the ground.

"Yea, I'm fine. I'm sorry to wake you. You just looked so uncomfortable. Why don't you come with me to bed?" she said softly.

He nodded as he massaged and stretched his sore neck. He followed her quietly to the bedroom, where he detoured to the bathroom. J.J. used that time to change into her pajamas. She was just climbing back into bed when Spencer emerged. She heard him undressing as she waited for him to join her.

Moments later, she felt the comforter move and his weight on his side of the bed. She flipped over to face him and smiled at him.

"I'm sorry I missed dinner," she said.

"I didn't even try to wake you. You needed the rest," he said as he reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "Do you feel better?"

"I do, thank you. I didn't realize I needed that."

"It's been a busy few days. Not to mention, breaking the news to the boys, my mom, and Will. That's a lot on anyone, let alone a pregnant woman."

J.J. smiled at the memory of telling Diana the news.

_Spencer handed Diana a bag that she eyed curiously._

"_What's this? It isn't my birthday," she said and then glanced at the calendar on her wall._

"_Just open it," Spencer said with a smile._

_Diana lifted an item out of the bag and began unwrapping the tissue paper wrapped around it. She smiled at the wooden box in her hand. On top was a carving of a woman holding a baby. _

"_Oh, Spencer, it's beautiful," she said as she looked up at him lovingly._

"_Look inside," he told her._

_She lifted the lid and peered inside. She slowly lifted the photo out of the box and looked at it before looking up at him and J.J. She looked between the two of them, not sure she was believing what she saw. The photo pressed against her chest._

"_Is this …" she trailed off with a quiver in her voice._

"_It is," Spencer said with a grin so large it reached his eyes._

_Diana put the photo down and placed a hand to her mouth. _

"_My baby's having a baby," she said as tears streamed from her eyes._

_Spencer reached out and embraced his mom. J.J. sat back, crying softly, as she watched this amazing moment happening before her eyes. A moment, that by all reality, shouldn't be happening. _

_She looked to the ceiling and sent a silent thank you to God for giving Spencer and Diana this moment. The fact that she is lucid and getting to be a part of this is something straight out of a dream. Finally, a win for Spencer and Diana. _

"You're smiling," Spencer pointed out.

She looked to him and nodded.

"I couldn't be happier than I am at this moment," she said scooting closer to him. "I never realized just how miserable I really was. Being with you reminded me of who I really am and who I want to be. You bring out the best in me, Spencer and I can't fathom why it took me so long to realize that."

"It doesn't matter. All that matters now is I'm yours and I will be for eternity," he said before pressing his lips to hers. "You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you beyond words."

"Then don't use words," she said as a tear slipped down her cheek. "Show me."

Spencer wrapped his hand around her waist and pulled her against his body as he kissed her passionately. Her hands tangled in his hair as he slowly maneuvered himself over her. As she spread her clothed legs to allow him closer access, she felt how hard he was.

He sat up suddenly and lifted his shirt over his head, tossing it to the side. J.J. used that moment to slip out of her own tank top. The second her head hit the pillow Spencer's lips were back on hers, but only briefly before he detoured to her neck and then down to her breasts.

She sighed as he gently kissed, licked, sucked and caressed her. He knew just where she loved being kissed and just how to turn her on. He started trailing down her stomach, when she reached out to stop him. He looked up at her questioningly.

"Not tonight. I just want you … I want you with me. I need you here," she said as he nodded his understanding.

He gently slid her shorts and panties off, before doing away with his own pants and underwear. He climbed back on top of her and stared into her eyes. A soft smile on his face.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you," she said before pressing a loving kiss to his lips.

Spencer reached between them and began rubbing his dick along her wet lips. He wouldn't need to work hard, she was soaked. He pushed into her once, twice, and on the third time he slipped all the way in. Both of them sighed at the feeling.

Spencer dipped in for another kiss that he intended to be sweet, but J.J. clutched him to her and feverishly attacked him. He began to move along with their kiss, both of them moaning into each other. Finally, Spencer broke the kiss to gasp for air. His face pressed against her cheek as he tried to regain his composure.

J.J. let out a groan as Spencer pounded into her.

"Yes, harder, please," she said as her body arched into him.

Spencer adjusted his position, held her tighter with one hand, the other holding himself up and began rapidly slamming into her. He watched as her body bounced wildly below him. She reached out with one hand and clutched the wooden bar of the headboard. Her other hand gripped his bicep that was holding him up.

"Fuck that feels so good," she whimpered as she squirmed below him.

Spencer sat up on his knees and tucked J.J.'s legs between his arms as he slid in and out of her.

"Yes, oh shit, yes!" she cried as he hit her spot. "Don't stop, don't stop … fuck … oh fuck."

Spencer's heart beat rapidly as he continued to thrust speedily into her. The bed groaned along with them. The mattress springs squeaking with every thrust. The headboard thumping over and over against the wall.

J.J.'s hand shot down to her clit where she rubbed it furiously. Her body shaking in the process. Spencer usually helped her, but he was too busy holding her legs and trying to balance himself. If he moved, he worried he'd fall on top of her.

"Yessss … yesssss … uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh … fuckkkkkkkkkkk," J.J. cried.

Her body jolted violently as she spasmed. He nearly lost his own balance holding her as she twitched and shook through her orgasm. He clumsily continued to push himself into her with no rhythm as he neared his own finish. Just when J.J. came to, Spencer dropped over the edge. He moaned and gasped as he emptied himself inside of her.

Once every last drop was released, he flopped down face first into his pillow. J.J. grinned as she snuggled up against him. Both of their bodies covered in sweat. They lay there silently for a while before Spencer lifted his head and looked at her.

"Wow, that was unreal," he sighed.

"I saw stars," J.J. agreed.

"I seriously think I blacked out after. That was the most intense orgasm I've ever had in my life," he said.

J.J. kissed his shoulder lovingly.

"Our connection is like magic," she said with a smile.

"That it is," he said before a small yawn escaped.

"You should get some sleep," she said brushing his messy hair from his eyes.

"I don't even want to sleep. Why would I want to sleep when my reality is what dreams are made of?"

J.J. let out a delighted laugh.

"God, I love you so fucking much," she said before pushing him onto his back and kissing him feverishly.

"I'm serious Jen. You are a fairytale come true. If I died tomorrow, I'd die happy and that's not something I've ever been able to say," he said.

"Don't say that," she said shaking her head. "Don't talk about dying."

"Hey," he said making her look at him. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise. Not after I finally got you."

She nodded and gave him a kiss before snuggling into his chest. They stayed that way until both drifted off to sleep.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: hope this chapter makes up for my horrible delay in writing! First, I had a little writers block and then I started a downward cycle of depression. Having found my way out of that hole, for now, I will do my best to write more. _

_I have some good ideas for the next few chapters. I hope you will enjoy them. Thank you to everyone who is reading this still and for the awesome comments that encourage me to keep going. You all rock! xoxo_


	27. Chapter 27

Another two weeks passed without any drama. J.J. was already 10 ½ weeks along, making the baby the size of kumquat, Spencer happily pointed out. Thankfully, J.J. had no symptoms this time around. Not even the slightest bit of nausea, which made keeping the pregnancy a secret a lot easier.

They had discussed it and decided to tell everyone after they found out the sex of the baby. Although a tiny bump was already beginning to form, which might mean they'd have to share the news earlier. But for now, this was the plan.

Spencer spent his nights reading anything he could find regarding raising a child. At nights when they weren't on cases, they would discuss baby names, ideas for the nursery, and look at houses together. J.J. loved these blissful moments. But as usual, things never stayed dull in their world.

(xxxxx)

They had been called to Maryland to help find a missing child. Three children had already turned up dead in the past three months and now a fourth had gone missing. Right out of her bed while her family was sleeping.

The pressure was on them to find the child and it was nearing the end of the 24-hour mark. Everyone was feeling the heat. Spencer and Luke had just finished speaking with some potential witnesses and were walking to the SUV, when Spencer stopped suddenly, looking around.

"Reid, you alright?" Luke asked.

Spencer squinted as he surveyed the neighborhood. Luke looked around with him, trying to pick up on what it was that caught his attention. When he saw nothing, he looked back to Spencer.

"Reid?" No response. "Reid? Reid?"

Finally, Spencer looked to him and shook his head.

"Sorry about that. I … was … thinking about something."

"You wanna tell me what you were thinking? Maybe I have some insight?" Luke offered, thinking it might be about the case.

"No, it's nothing, never mind," Spencer said as he walked to the passenger side door, swung it open, and hopped in.

On the drive back to the station, Luke kept glancing at Spencer with concern. They spent the 15-minute ride in silence. When they got back to the station, Luke began explaining their conversation with the witnesses to Emily, while Spencer wrote some notes and pinned them to the board.

Again, Luke noticed that weird look in Spencer's eyes. He was staring at the board, but it was like he didn't understand what he was looking at. Luke trailed off mid-sentence, leading Emily to look toward Spencer as well.

"Reid?" she said questioningly.

Without warning, Spencer's legs gave out and he dropped to ground. Luke and Emily ran to him as he started violently shaking.

"Turn him on his side," Emily ordered.

Luke pushed him over as Emily slipped out of her suit jacket and placed it under his head. She then reached for his tie, loosening it. She looked at her watch and then looked to Luke, who returned the same worried expression.

"It's ok, Spencer, we're here," she said soothingly as she ran her hand along the top of his head.

He continued to shake as they sat helplessly watching and then just as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. Spencer went still. Emily pressed her fingers to his pulse.

"It's racing, but he's breathing, that's good," she said as she looked to her watch. "3 minutes and 42 seconds."

"Do we ask for an ambulance?" Luke asked worried.

"Let's wait for him to come-to. It wasn't longer than 5 minutes and I don't see any visible injuries."

They sat quietly for the next few minutes until Spencer's eyes started to blink and he let out a groan.

"Hey, take it easy," Emily said softly as she leaned into Spencer's line of sight. "You just had a seizure. How do you feel?"

Spencer blinked at her momentarily before swallowing hard and licking his lips.

"Sore, a little fuzzy," he said gruffly.

"Do you want to try and sit up?" Emily asked.

Spencer thought for a moment before nodding. Luke reached out to help him sit up. Spencer ran a hand through his messy hair before rubbing at his face.

"What happened?" he said looking confused to Luke and then Emily.

"You were looking at the board and fell, having a seizure," Luke said.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Emily said.

"I … was leaving the witness' house with Luke … the rest is really hazy. I get pieces like driving in the car and putting something on the board … but it's not –"

"Spence?"

Spencer looked over his shoulder as J.J. entered the room. Concern written all over her face as she hurried over to him and knelt down next to him. Matt trailing just behind her in the doorway.

"What's wrong? Why are you sitting on the floor?" she said as she surveyed him, her hands cradling his face.

"He had a seizure," Emily said as she stood up and dusted off her pants.

"Oh my God, are you hurt? Get an ambulance," she said in a panic.

"He's ok, now. I don't think he needs to go to the emergency room, but I would call his doctor immediately," Emily suggested.

J.J.'s mouth hung open in shock. She didn't know what to do or say. She felt paralyzed suddenly.

"I'm fine," Spencer insisted as he started to get up from the floor.

Luke and Matt moved closer in case he fell again. Once he was standing, he felt the weight of what happened on his body. It was as though he had been in a gym working out for 5 hours. Every muscle throbbed and screamed at him.

"Come on, I'll take you back to the hotel," J.J. said as she looped her arm around his waist.

"No, we have to find Lucy," he said pulling out of her grasp.

"Spencer, no," J.J. said as the others protested as well.

"I'm not going back to the hotel," he said defiantly.

J.J. looked to Emily for support. There was no way he could stay on this case after having suffered a seizure. He needed to rest. She still wanted to rush him to the ER but was forcing herself to trust that Emily knew what she was talking about.

"Reid, I think it would be best if you sat out the rest of the case. Until we know what's wrong –"

"I'm fine! Look, I'm up, I'm moving. I know what's happening. I was just tired or something. I'm fine," he said angrily.

"Can I make a suggestion?" Luke piped in.

Emily looked to him and raised an eyebrow as her answer.

"What if Reid is confined to this room? He could sit over there on the couch and help with notes and research. This way, he isn't alone if he has another seizure and he is still feeling useful?"

"No!" J.J. said shaking her head emphatically.

Emily sighed. Spencer really shouldn't be alone, and they really couldn't afford to lose two agents. Sometimes she hated this job and hated being the boss.

"You are not to move from that couch without permission. If I tell you to take a break, you take a break without fuss. Is that clear?" Emily said sternly.

Spencer nodded. At least he wasn't being sidelined. He'd rather be out in the field, but beggars can't be choosers. Emily turned to J.J. with a frown.

"I know this isn't what you want, but for now, I think this is the best option. I will keep you here with him as much as I can and," Emily turned back to Spencer. "You are on a break now for at least an hour."

Spencer and J.J. both reluctantly agreed. J.J. wanted to be furious with Emily, but she knew Emily was in between a rock and a hard place. J.J. would just make sure to keep close to Spencer and the second they got home, off to the doctors he would go.

(xxxxx)

Spencer sat next to J.J. nervously bouncing his leg up and down. His body hunched over as if it were protecting itself from injury. J.J.'s hand ran up and down his back soothingly. Suddenly they heard a gentle knock at the door before it opened and Dr. Nao walked in with a kind, gentle smile.

"Dr. Reid, how are you feeling?" he asked as he flipped through Spencer's chart.

"Ok," Spencer replied.

"So, tell me what happened," Dr. Nao said as he sat on the wheeling stool.

"Three days ago, while I was on a case, I had a seizure," he said.

"First since the accident?"

Spencer nodded.

"How were you feeling before it happened?" Dr. Nao asked as he looked up from his folder.

"I felt off," he began.

"Off?"

"Um, like confused by the things around me. Things seemed weird."

"Weird like how?"

Spencer looked up as he tried to recall that day.

"The sky looked different … like it wasn't blue … but it was blue … I don't know how to explain it. I just know that when I looked around me, I felt like everything had suddenly changed. I was confused and then I blinked, and it was normal again," Spencer explained.

"Do you remember if you could hear anything? Smell anything? Taste anything?" Dr. Nao asked.

"Um, I could hear, but it wasn't prominent. It was like a background noise. Kind of muffled. I don't remember smelling or tasting anything."

"Ok, and how about when you came-to from the seizure. Can you describe that?"

"It was like waking from sleep, only it was painful and disconcerting. I remember wondering what happened and why I was laying on the floor. I heard Emily talking to me, but it took a few seconds before I could understand what she was saying."

Dr. Nao nodded as he jotted down notes.

"So, what you are experiencing are seizures resulting from your recent injury. The type of seizure you experienced is what is called grand mal, or tonic-clonic. Unfortunately, this isn't all that uncommon in severe brain trauma patients."

"Is there something he can do? Will it happen again?" J.J. said with worry.

"The brain is a wonder of Science. With all the knowledge we have, there is still so much we don't know. It is quite possible that he will experience these seizures again. How often, how long, questions like that just can't be answered at the moment."

J.J. wiped at the tears streaming down her face.

"I know that's not the greatest news, but there are things we can do in the meantime to get an idea of what we are facing. The first thing we need to figure out is what triggers these seizures. By keeping track of what happened before and after you have a seizure, we may be able to pick up on a pattern.

Write what you were doing when it happened, how you felt, basically anything you can think of that may pinpoint that trigger. Think of your five senses, what did you see, what did you hear? Anything could be causing these seizures. Could be stress, could be when around bright lights, could be loud sounds."

"So, what about my job?" Spencer asked. The one question that had been burning a hole in his gut. Would he be able to work?

"That's a tough one," Dr. Nao sighed. "You are in a highly dangerous and stressful profession. We don't know what we are facing here at the moment. The uncertainty of your situation definitely plays a role in your work environment."

"So, that's it? Everything I worked my entire life for … just," he snapped his fingers. "Gone? Just like that?"

"I wouldn't say that. All I am saying is, right now, for your safety being an FBI agent might not be the best idea."

(xxxxx)

_A/N: thank you to my readers! I love you guys! I love that you like my story and keep reading and take the time to comment. You make my day!_

_Sorry for another dramatic chapter, but it always leads to good things – I don't do sad endings. So, don't worry. Thank you again and hope you like this chapter. xoxo_


	28. Chapter 28

Spencer sat staring at the pond in front of him. Around him the sound of laughter. People going about their lives without a care to what was happening in his. After the doctor's appointment he was at a loss for words. He didn't speak the entire ride home.

When they got home his brain was firing thoughts rapidly and before he knew it, he was waking from another seizure. Once the fog had cleared, he felt the dread wash over him. Although this was only the second time, it seemed clear to him that stress was probably one of the triggers.

J.J. finally left him alone on the couch to go shower and he took that time to escape. He scribbled a quick note and left with nothing but his wallet. His phone laying on the table, something J.J. would probably yell at him for later.

He didn't care though. He needed to be alone. He needed to figure out what he was going to do without J.J. watching him with pity. His entire life he always felt weak. No matter how many times he tried to convince himself otherwise, somehow the world always reminded him of it.

Getting kidnapped by Hankel, the drug addiction, catching anthrax, being shot in the knee, not being able to save Maeve's life, being shot in the neck, not being able to save Gideon's life, not stopping Scratch in time to save Hotch from leaving, Cat, being arrested, Cat again. Being nearly blown up … three times! Really the list just seemed to go on and on and that was just in his adulthood. Never mind the horror of childhood.

He thought things were finally turning around. His Mom was doing well, and he finally got the woman of his dreams. They were having a baby and now … now he was … well, nothing. His job was the only thing that made him feel like a man. His dream life was slowly slipping through his fingers.

He was drowning in his thoughts when he noticed someone sit down on the park bench out of his peripheral vision. He sighed but kept staring at the pond.

"How'd you find me?"

"Wasn't easy. Everyone's out looking for you."

"J.J. told everyone?" he said sadly.

"Just me and Emily. No one else knows. They just know you're missing."

"I'm not missing. I told her I needed time by myself that I would be fine," he replied miserably.

"You left your phone. She was worried."

Spencer felt his lip tremble as he looked to his friend. Embarrassingly, his eyes filled with tears as he tried to keep calm.

"Morgan, what am I going to do?" he muttered.

"I can't answer that for you. What I can tell you is, this doesn't change who you are," he said softly.

Spencer choked on his sob as he covered his face in his hands. He felt Derek's hand lay softly on his shoulder.

"You have to listen to me, kid. This does _not_ make you weak. I know that's what you think, and I know you're going to start doubting yourself and your worth with J.J."

Spencer silently sobbed as he was overcome with grief. The weight of Derek's words, the truth being spoken out loud hurt so much.

"What am I now?" he said through his tears.

"You are still you," Derek said. He paused a moment before speaking again. "Let me tell you something. There is nothing in this world that will make you feel more like a man than the day you hold that child in your hands. Being a dad … that's when your life really begins."

Spencer looked up through his messy hair and his clouded eyes.

"You know?" he said surprised.

"I had my suspicions," he said mysteriously. "Don't worry, I haven't shared that with anyone. Though, if I could sense it … the others might as well, so you may want to consider telling them."

Spencer wiped at his face and tried to compose himself.

"Reid, your entire life you were trained to believe that stumbling was weak. That needing help was weak. That being who you are was weak. Well, now you're going to learn the truth."

Spencer looked at him curiously.

"Tell me how it's weak to take care of your mother as a 10-year old child. I couldn't make a sandwich at 10 and your raising a mentally ill adult. Tell me how it's weak that every damn time you were knocked down at work, you got up and kept swinging. Tell me how it's weak that you've stared death in the face more than anyone on the team, and you still come back like a fucking cat with 9-lives.

"You have been through a lot of shit and you get your ass back up every time. Gideon fucking ran! He let the horror run him off. Elle? She let the horror turn her into someone she wasn't. You are like a punching bag. The world deals you a blow and you pop right back up again.

"So, think about that when you start thinking your weak. Cause you, Spencer _fucking _Reid, are one of the strongest men I know, which is exactly why I named my son after _you_! Because I can only hope he grows up to be even half the man you are."

The tears had once again started flowing. Spencer's shoulders shook as he listened to the man he admired and so wanted to be, tell him how much he admired _him_.

"We all have to leave that place sometime. Mine was when Hank was born, and I don't regret a single second of it. This might be your time. This might be God's way of opening a new door for you. Who knows what amazing adventures lie ahead. No matter what you will be loved by your family, by J.J. and the boys, and most importantly, your little one."

A smile stretched across Spencer's face. Morgan was right. Maybe this was a good thing. He always considered what his options would be if he ever left the FBI. This could be a chance to explore those options. Maybe being a stay-at-home dad like Morgan would be fulfilling enough. Maybe this wasn't the end of him.

"Come on. I'll drive you home. Your girl is probably worrying a hole in the floor," Derek said with a smile.

Both of them chuckled as they got up from the bench and walked off together.

(xxxxx)

Derek was right. The second Spencer opened the door, J.J. practically knocked him over as she plowed into him.

"I am so mad at you right now," she said as she clutched him tightly in her arms.

"I know. I'm sorry," he said softly holding her.

"If you needed to be alone, I could have left or –"

"I just needed to get out. I felt trapped and overwhelmed. I needed to clear my head. I didn't mean to scare you," he said as she let go of him, but stayed close.

"I get it. I can't imagine how you must feel," she sighed. "I just wish you would've told me and not left me a note or left your phone."

Spencer nodded and dropped his eyes to the floor. J.J. sighed as she placed her hands on his cheeks and lifted his gaze to hers.

"I love you," she said firmly. "This doesn't change that. Not even an ounce. You are still my Spence."

His lip quivered as he smiled slightly. Tears welling up in both of their eyes.

"I love you," he whispered, too overcome with emotion to speak in normal tones.

J.J. moved forward and pressed her lips to his. When she pulled away, she ran her fingers through his hair.

"I'm exhausted. Why don't we take a nap and then order Chinese Palace? We'll eat and binge watch some Dr. Who," she said.

Spencer smiled and nodded. She smiled back before grabbing his hand and leading him off to the bedroom.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: short chapter but wanted to get something running through my head out! So here you go. Hope you like it! Some fun ideas coming your way with this story! Plus, the reveal to the team! Thanks for the support and comments! Xoxo_


	29. Chapter 29

Spencer stood in Emily's office staring at the window. It was a rainy morning with lightning lighting up the sky. The weather seemed to mimic the solemn mood he felt. He turned around when he heard shuffling at the door. Emily hesitated only momentarily before a soft smile stretched across her lips.

"You're here early," she said as way of greeting.

Spencer nodded.

"I was hoping you had a few minutes to talk," he said.

Emily paused before placing her bag on the floor and sitting down in her chair. She gestured for Spencer to sit across from her. They both stared at each other a moment, both of them waiting for the other to start.

"I've done a lot of thinking the past couple of days," Spencer finally said. "But before I make any decisions, I need to know something."

"Of course," Emily said as she leaned forward on her desk.

"If you were me, what would you do?"

"Oh, Spence," Emily sighed as she leaned back in her chair and frowned at him. "That's a difficult question."

"I know but I've always valued your perspective on things. You and I have always been able to be straight with each other and right now, I need to know …" he trailed off.

Emily took a deep breath and sighed again. She couldn't imagine how he must be feeling. To be forced to make a monumental life decision was not something that would be easy. For Spencer, he was very logical and reasoning when it came to decisions, but this type of decision was not that black and white.

"I think you are in a very difficult position," she began. "From a business perspective, losing you is detrimental to the team. You are one of our strongest and obviously, smartest members."

Spencer listened intently, showing no signs of what he was thinking about her words.

"That being said, in all honesty, I'm scared for you," she said.

He looked down at his shoes. Emily wondered if he was upset, if her words were not helping him at all.

"You've been through a lot over the years and miraculously survived it all. If you figure those odds out … I'm sure they are lottery ticket winning odds," she said before swallowing the lump in her throat. "What if there is a limit to those odds? What if the next time …"

Emily stopped to try and compose herself. Spencer looked up in surprise. It didn't happen often and when it did, it always rocked him to the core. Emily was the strongest person he knew, and it wasn't that he was surprised she had emotions, he was just surprised when she let her armor slip and showed it.

"You were already walking a fine line and now, it's only a matter of time before you run out of miracles. At least, that's what I fear. I may be wrong, and you continue the rest of your life defying odds. I don't know. None of us can know. But I'm scared if you stay your days are numbered."

A small tear slipped out of her eye and trickled down her cheek. Spencer pursed his lips together as he tried to control his own emotions. Emily reached across the table and held out her hands, gesturing for him. He obliged, allowing her to link their hands together. She saw the debate in his eyes as he stared at the desk.

"Spencer look at me," she said and he slowly obeyed. "We are your family and we love you. No matter what you choose to do, we will all support you. Your decision will burden no one. There will be no reason for guilt, you aren't letting anyone down. We will help you on whichever path you choose."

Spencer nodded as he sniffled, his eyes clouding. Emily squeezed his hands lovingly.

"Did that help at all? Or did I make it worse?" she asked softly.

"No, it helped," he said wiping away a tear as he unlinked their hands. "I had a lot of the same thoughts."

"Why don't you take the rest of the day off. Think it over, talk to J.J. and let me know tomorrow?"

Spencer stood up and nodded as he walked toward the door.

"Spence, if you need more time than that … there's no rush. Nothing needs to be decided until you're ready," she said.

"Thank you," he said before leaving the office.

(xxxxx)

Emily wasn't surprised when Spencer texted her and asked for the rest of the week to think things over. J.J. got permission to work any cases from home, while they tried to figure things out together.

It was mid-week when J.J. heard a knock at the door. It was Will dropping the boys off for a few days. After saying hi to the kids and sending them off to find Spencer, J.J. walked Will to the door.

"Hey, I uh … I wanted to give you this," Will said handing her something.

J.J. looked at the card and saw a name and number on it. She looked up at Will with a furrowed brow.

"I heard about Spencer's … condition," he said awkwardly. "That's, uh, my friend Thomas' sister-in-law. She raises and trains service dogs. He said that a dog will sense when something is wrong and warn Spencer, like if he's about to have a seizure. So, if he's standing or something, he can get himself to a safe place."

Will shrugged as J.J. tried not to cry. She looked at him with tears in her eyes.

"I'm sure she can explain it better."

"This … this means a lot to me," she said choking back her emotions.

Will blushed and rubbed at his neck.

"Yea, well … it's nothing," he said.

"It's not nothing, Will. It's incredible and I don't know how to thank you," J.J. said.

"You're welcome," he said before clearing his throat. "Ok, well, I'll be back to pick the boys up on Saturday night unless something comes up sooner."

J.J. nodded and waved before closing the door. She pressed the card and her hands against her heart. Even in the worst of moments, life had a way of sending a bit of beauty to remind you it isn't all bad.

(xxxxx)

"Dr. Reid, Ms. Jureau, it's a pleasure," the short, rotund woman said as she shook J.J.'s hand. Her long brown curly hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail.

"Mrs. Collins, thank you for seeing us on such short notice," J.J. said with a smile.

"Anything for a friend of Thomas' and please, it's Amber," she said as she led them into the house. "And who are these strapping young men?"

"This is Henry and Michael," J.J. introduced.

Both boys waved, Michael more shyly than Henry.

"Are you going to help us find the perfect match for your family?"

The boys nodded.

"Well, right this way. We have some great candidates," Amber said.

They followed her out through a large open field to a building on the property that had kennels running half in the building, half out of the building. The property was well maintained and throughout you could see people working with dogs of all shapes and sizes.

"Those are some of our workers and volunteers that come to help train the dogs. Before we send any animal with a new owner, we do training, here on property to see not only how the dog interacts with you, but also how you interact with the dog.

If it's not the right fit, we work with a different dog and try the training process all over again. It usually doesn't come to that, but I like to make everyone aware of that possibility up front. Each dog is specifically trained to accommodate your needs."

Amber opened the door to the building and the sound of barking filled their ears. Spencer immediately plugged his ears, remembering that loud music once triggered a severe headache and dizziness. He didn't know if it would trigger a seizure, but he decided to play it safe.

Amber excused herself for a moment, scurrying through a door. A moment later she emerged holding something in her hands. She held it out to Spencer. It was then he noticed it was headphones.

"We always keep a few on property. Helps muffle the noise a bit," she said.

He thanked her and placed them over his ears. He felt a little stupid, which J.J. must have sensed. She grabbed his hand and pulled him close to her side. She gave him a loving smile before they followed Amber further into the room.

Each cage had luxury dog beds and toys littering the ground. The dogs that lived here were clearly taken well care of and pampered. The room itself was air conditioned and despite all the dogs, it didn't smell bad.

"Alright, Henry and Michael, take a look at all the gates without pink signs on them. If you see one you like, we will take the dog outside and see how it bonds with you," Amber said.

The boys both jumped into action. Peering into the cages and then rushing to the next one. J.J. just hoped they wouldn't fight over who got to pick the dog. They never agreed on anything.

As J.J. and Spencer walked by one of the kennels a little tan paw slipped out and tapped Spencer on the leg. He stopped, making J.J. stop and peered at the dog who was now sitting and watching them.

Spencer bent down and smiled. The Golden Retriever's tail swept back and forth as he sat like a perfect gentleman.

"Who is this handsome boy?" J.J. said as she crouched next to Spencer.

"That is Aza," Amber said from behind them.

"Means strong," Spencer said softly as he stared at the dog, who was watching him just as curiously.

"Would you like to take him outside?"

J.J. looked to Spencer and when he didn't respond, she nodded and thanked Amber. By now, Henry and Michael were nearby anxiously waiting for the chance to play with the dog. Once outside, Henry and Michael ran around the play yard with Aza. The dog skipped and leaped around happily while J.J. and Spencer watched with smiles on their faces.

"Well, good news is he likes the kids. Now, what I'd like to do is see how Aza interacts with you on his own Dr. Reid," Amber suggested after 15 minutes of free play.

J.J. called the boys over and the three of them left the play yard, leaving Spencer and Amber on their own.

"I'm going to step out as well, Dr. Reid, but I'll be nearby observing. Once I've finished my notes, I'll come back in and discuss with you my recommendations. Is that alright?"

"Yes, thank you," Spencer said.

Spencer watched Amber leave the yard before he turned back to look for Aza. He was surprised to find the dog sitting only a few feet away looking at him. Spencer was a little nervous, since animals didn't seem to like him all that much.

"Hi," he said awkwardly as he lifted his hand in greeting.

Aza blinked but didn't move.

"I'm Spencer, I don't really know much about animals, so I have no clue if you understand me. I don't really know what to do to be honest. Do I find a toy for you to play with?"

Spencer scratched his head before lowering himself to the ground and just sitting cross-legged in the grass. Aza tilted his head a moment before getting up and walking slowly toward Spencer.

When he reached Spencer, he leaned forward, his nose sniffing the air. Spencer sat still, afraid to move, afraid to spook the dog. Aza's nose was practically pressed against Spencer's nose. It was then he felt the gentle, slight flick of the dog's tongue on his face.

Signaling his approval of Spencer, Aza sat down and used his paw to pull at Spencer's hand. Spencer laughed as he lifted the hand to scratch Aza's fluffy golden fur. It didn't take long before Aza laid down in Spencer's lap and rolled over to get a good belly rub.

"Well, Dr. Reid, it looks like Aza has taken a liken to you. He has been tested with nearly 30 other families and while he's always been friendly, he's never shown an interest in anyone until you. Aza has never let anyone, myself included, rub his belly."

"I don't normally do well with animals," Spencer said as he continued to scratch at Aza's tummy.

"It seems you two are meant to be," Amber smiled. "What we will do next is start the training process. Aza will be taught specific commands and will be taught what to do if he senses a problem. This will take a few weeks, then we'll schedule a day for you and your family to come in for training lessons. We'll evaluate the dynamic one more time to insure the best for you and Aza. Then he will be all yours."

"That sounds great," Spencer said as he slipped out from under Aza and stood. "Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it."

"Glad to help, Dr. Reid. Let's get Aza back inside and we'll fill out all the paperwork."

(xxxxx)

J.J. finished brushing her teeth and slipped into bed, where Spencer was already laying reading a book about Golden Retrievers. He insisted on stopping at the bookstore to buy books on their way home.

"The boys are really excited. They've always wanted a dog," J.J. said as she snuggled up against him and looked at the pictures of the page he was on.

"I'm actually excited too. Might be nice to have something to distract me," he said as he turned the page.

"Not to bring up the sore subject, but … any thoughts on what you're going to do?"

Spencer closed the book and sighed. He stared off into the distance, his eyes glazing over momentarily. J.J. hoped she hadn't upset him. She had been trying not to ask, but it was Saturday night and Spencer had told Emily he'd have an answer by Monday.

"It's ok, you don't have to –"

"I'm leaving the BAU," he blurted.

J.J. was surprised that her heart skipped a beat and then began beating rapidly. She wasn't sure why, but this revelation upset her terribly. She could feel Spencer watching her, so she tried to keep a neutral facial expression as she nodded.

"Ok."

"You don't look ok?" he said.

"I am, I promise," she said looking to him. "I just … I guess, I just wasn't expecting it. I don't know."

"Are you upset?" he asked.

She furrowed her brow and dug deep to really try to understand her feelings.

"It's weird. I want you to be safe and leaving the BAU is the best way for that to happen," she started.

"But?"

"But … I think I'm a little scared."

"What are you scared of?"

"I don't know that job without you. You've always been a constant there and I think the thought of losing the one constant … scares me," she said.

"I'm scared too," he said making her sit up and turn more to face him. "The BAU is my home. I never felt like I belonged anywhere until I was an agent. It's who I am and to step away from that is like plunging into a dark hole not knowing what's waiting for me at the bottom."

J.J. placed her hand's on Spencer's cheeks and gave him a comforting half-smile.

"I'm waiting for you at the bottom. Along with Henry and Michael, and Morgan, and Emily. All of us, Spence. The only thing that will change is your career. You will still be the same man, minus the gun and badge. All material things. The important parts of you will still be there."

She could read the panic and fear in his eyes.

"What if this is the wrong choice? What if I leave and I realize I made a huge mistake?"

"Then you call Emily and she'll have your ass back in uniform before you can drive to Quantico," J.J. said with a smile that he reciprocated.

"I think this is the right thing to do," he said.

"Don't worry about what's right or what's wrong –"

"It's important though. That's a big part of my decision. Jen, I am a liability now. If I have a seizure out in the field, I could get someone hurt or even killed. I can't just think of myself. I have to think of others too. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened on my watch."

J.J. nodded her understanding. It was something she thought about as well. Spencer sighed.

"I've thought a lot over the past week. I've considered every angle possible and every path led me back to the same conclusion. It's time for me to say goodbye to this chapter of my life."

J.J. reached out and grabbed his hand.

"And hello to the next chapter," she said as she placed Spencer's hand on her growing belly.

She felt his fingers gently rub the little bump.

"To the next chapter," he said.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: whoa, long chapter for ya! I considered breaking it into two chapters, but it really flowed nicely as one. I hope you like it. Spencer will be saying goodbye to the BAU, but there will be lots of exciting things coming his way … and your way! xoxo_


	30. Chapter 30

"Why are we here? What's going on?" Penelope asked as she hurried into the conference room.

"I assumed it was a case," Luke said as he looked to Matt.

"Same," Matt and Tara replied.

Spencer and J.J. both knew what was going on, but they sat silently waiting for the right time to speak. Spencer felt J.J.'s hand grab hold of his in quiet reassurance. He sighed, comforted that he had her by his side.

"What's wrong?" Penelope said again as Emily and Rossi entered the room.

Emily's mouth opened slightly, but she opted for a smile first.

"Relax, everything is going to be ok," she said softly as she took her seat.

"Then … why are we here?" Penelope said confused.

"We have a few things to discuss this morning," Emily began. "A few changes that we need to prepare for."

"I thought you said everything was going to be ok?" Penelope said anxiously.

Luke reached out and placed his hand on Penelope's shoulder, trying to calm her nerves.

"It will be," Emily said confidently.

Emily looked to Spencer and nodded. He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked to J.J. She could see the fear in his eyes.

"It's ok," she said as she held his hand tighter.

He didn't need to stress out. Last thing she wanted was him seizing mid-meeting. He nodded and turned to look at all his team members who were watching him with anticipation. He took a deep breath.

"I, uh, I've been talking with my doctor a lot regarding my seizures and … and we both … well, J.J. too, we think that the cause is extreme stress. I think that after everything … all these years … I don't think my body can handle it anymore."

Penelope gasped softly as her eyes filled with tears.

"You're leaving?" Luke said softly.

"I'm sorry. I just … I think I'm a liability. I don't know what I would do if I hurt one of you on a case. I've talked to Emily and J.J. and I've spoken to a few experts … and I think it's time for me to step away from my position."

The room was silent as everyone took in the information. Their faces a mixture of sadness and shock.

"Reid has offered to stay on as a consultant on an as needed basis," Emily chimed in. "And of course, if anything ever changes his position here will be open for him."

"This is a hard pill to swallow, but you know we support you 100%," Tara said with a smile. "Your health is way more important than this job."

"Yea, it's not like we won't still see each other. We're family," Luke added.

Spencer smiled shyly as the team rallied around him.

"I thought I was out of the game too, but here we are," Rossi said as everyone laughed. "Who knows what the future holds."

"Speaking of future, losing Reid is going to be a challenge, but we also need to prepare for another team member's absence," Emily said as she looked to J.J.

"What?" Penelope cried. "You too?"

If they thought everyone was shocked by Spencer leaving, it was nothing compared to the dropped jaws and wide eyes staring at her.

"It makes sense," Tara said, trying not to sound shook up. "Spencer is going to need someone to help get him through this time."

"Not exactly," J.J. said with a small smile as she looked to Spencer.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Luke said with a furrowed brow.

"I'll be taking care of someone, but it isn't going to be Spencer," she said as she pushed a folder into the middle of the table.

Penelope was the first to snatch it up. She pulled it close and flipped it open before letting out a scream that caused Luke to jump.

"Are you serious? Are you freaking serious!" Penelope squealed as she leaped from her chair and ran to J.J. and Spencer, who stood up to hug her.

Luke grabbed the folder and opened it, seeing the sonogram sitting inside. He pushed it to Tara and Matt who had already figured it out but looked anyway. Everyone took turns congratulating them.

"When's the baby due?" Penelope asked as she wiped at her tears.

"_She_ is due January 3," J.J. said happily.

"A girl!" Penelope cried as she jumped up and down.

The room, again, erupted in excitement and congratulations. Spencer was beaming with pride as he took in the moment. Matt was welcoming him to the club, while Rossi showered him with praise. Emily, Tara, and Penelope were fawning over J.J. The somber mood was no more. Only high hopes for the future.

After things had died down, Spencer followed Emily to her office. Both of them were smiling, still riding high from the news.

"I wanted to thank you for always being there for me. It really means a lot," Spencer said as Emily leaned against her desk.

"You're welcome. I know you would do the same for me," she said.

Spencer nodded.

"Before I go, I just wanted to ask you something," he said as Emily nodded for him to proceed. "J.J. and I were talking about the baby and she wants to ask Rossi to be the Godfather and I'd like you to be the Godmother."

"Oh, Spence," Emily said as her eyes clouded. "I would be so honored."

In a rare display of affection, Spencer walked forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Emily. They held each other silently for a few moments, both reflecting on how far they had come all these years.

"I love you Emily," he whispered.

Emily felt her heart skip a beat. In all the years she had known Spencer, he had never told her he loved her. She always knew he did but to hear him utter the words melted her heart. She leaned back and placed her hands on his cheeks.

"I love you too, Spencer and I am so proud of how much you've grown since we met. You will be an amazing father and I have no doubt in my mind you will flourish outside of these walls."

J.J. walked in just as the two of them began to cry.

"Oh no, not more tears. I don't think I can handle anymore crying," J.J. teased as she walked toward them.

Spencer and Emily smiled at her as they sniffled and wiped their faces.

"I am so happy you finally found one another," Emily said as she held her hand out for J.J. "It was apparent for so long that you two were twin flames, trying to find a way to connect."

"Damn it, Emily," J.J. said as she let go of Emily's hand to wipe the new tears off her cheeks.

Spencer pulled J.J. close and kissed the top of her head as she wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Alright, enough mush for one day. You two go home. Jen, I'll see you next week," Emily said as she shooed them off.

"Unless you need me sooner," J.J. said.

"Go, we are fine," Emily said.

Spencer and J.J. nodded as they walked off hand and hand together.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: short but sweet. Thanks for all the awesome comments! I am so glad you guys are enjoying this. While Spencer won't be at the BAU, there is still plenty more to come. I have no ending in mind for this story yet, which means more chapters! xoxo_


	31. Chapter 31

A couple of months passed by since Spencer retired from the bureau. He quickly found a job teaching at Georgetown and was loving every minute of it. J.J. was 36 weeks pregnant and now bound to office duty. Something she wasn't too upset about, since it meant she was able to go home every night.

Christmas was around the corner and J.J. was thrilled to have some time off coming her way. It had been a busy few months. They found a home in the same neighborhood as Derek and moved in. Derek and Spencer spent many weekends together renovating, while J.J. decorated the baby's room.

Aza had been a perfect fit and was brought home to live with them. The boys were great help in continuing to train him as well as play with him when he needed to get out some of his puppy energy. Spencer had taken an unusual liking to Aza and was often found cuddling on the couch with him, while reading or grading papers.

One of J.J.'s favorite instillations Spencer and Derek had rigged together was an emergency alarm that Aza was trained to press if Spencer had a seizure. The alarm would alert J.J., Derek, and Penelope. If they didn't respond to the alarm in a timely manner security was alerted and they were to send police.

It gave her peace of mind when leaving him alone. It also gave Spencer the freedom to live his life as normal without worrying what would happen if he were alone. In the past few months he'd only had 2 seizures, and both were triggered by stress.

One was prior to Aza. J.J. had gone to speak with a witness and she was involved in a minor car accident. On the way to the hospital with Garcia, he'd started seizing. Thankfully, it didn't last long, and he was safely buckled in the car and J.J. walked away with no injuries, the baby included.

The second time was in November. Henry had been out back playing with a new friend and when Spencer went to get him before sunset, he was nowhere to be found. Aza alerted Spencer that he needed to sit down, and he seized safely in the grass, Derek arriving only moments after Spencer had recovered. Henry had wandered off to another friend's house and was returned home an hour later with his first big punishment.

All in all, he was doing great and the medication seemed to be helping with the frequency in which he experienced seizures. Despite that, J.J. was still looking forward to spending uninterrupted time home with him and the baby come January.

It was a snowy evening on December 5. Spencer was in the study working while J.J. was in the kitchen baking Christmas cookies. She heard the jingling of Aza's tags signaling Spencer approaching.

"That smells amazing," he said as he entered the room. "Let's just skip dinner and eat dessert."

J.J. chuckled as she glanced over her shoulder to see him lingering in the doorway. His hair was ruffled, and he was wearing his glasses. She loved when he looked like that. It turned her on so much, especially in this last trimester. For some reason, she was always burning for him now that she was nearly at the end.

Interesting how she felt the least unattractive at the moment, and yet she couldn't stop herself from wanting to constantly jump his bones. For his part, Spencer never seemed any less lustful for her. He still looked at her as if she were a goddess, clothed or naked.

"Honey, you know I could eat an entire tray of cookies by myself. You do not have to ask me twice to eat dessert. That being said, I already ordered Luzano's and it should be here in about 30 minutes."

It was silent for a moment before she felt Spencer's hands slip around her large belly. His stubble tickling her shoulder and neck.

"But I really want dessert," he purred before his lips pressed against her skin.

She closed her eyes and tilted her head to allow him more access. Immediately she was revved up. It didn't take much for him to get her hot.

"Is that so," she whispered. "And what exactly were you hoping for?"

"You," he whispered back, sending chills up her spine. "Aza go lay down."

The dog trotted off to relax on his bed, knowing he was off duty for a bit. With that, Spencer slid slowly down behind her until he reached the bottom of her dress. She had taken to wearing them around the house because they were soft and more comfortable than clothing. Plus, she always felt so hot, it kept her from bursting into flames.

She felt his hand slide up her dress and over her ass. He hooked his fingers into her panties and pulled them down her legs. She stepped out of them and looked over her shoulder as he reappeared on her level.

His hand lay softly on her check as he pressed his lips to hers. The two of them enjoying the taste of one another. As they kissed, J.J. rolled her ass along his hardened dick. He groaned as she heard him unzip his pants and drop them to the floor.

He began licking and sucking at her jaw, neck, shoulder, as he rubbed his cock back and forth along her soaking wet pussy. J.J. leaned against the counter to keep herself steady and let out a grunt as he started pushing himself into her.

"Oh, Spence," she sighed as his hand gently kneaded her tender breasts. He'd always loved her breasts, but he had to admit, he really enjoyed how swollen and delicious they were currently.

He began to move behind her, his one hand cupping her chest, while the other steadied her on her stomach. He didn't want to accidentally pump into her so hard, she hit her stomach against the counter. He hoped his hand would create a barrier of protection.

As he pushed into her over and over, J.J. let out some of the loudest cries he'd ever heard. One thing he loved about having a house, J.J. never held back on being vocal during sex like she had at the apartments. He never realized how much it turned him on to hear her shouting and he even found himself asking her to tell him things, like 'does that feel good?'. They also took to exploring their sexual sides, which was something neither had ever done before. Spencer assumed it was because they had never had a sex partner they felt truly safe with before.

It was fun learning different things that made them hot for each other. And in a great way, it made Spencer more confident. He found a little bit of power in making J.J. beg for him. Something he clearly lacked his entire life and J.J. found that she actually enjoyed being more submissive with Spencer, again because of trust. All her other sexual encounters she was the dominant one, never allowing someone to control her.

She loved letting go for Spencer. She loved watching him thrive at being in charge. Seeing the effect it had on him, brought joy to her heart. She loved breaking him out of his past and he adored her for it. And truthfully, she loved being needed and wanted so desperately. She was never a woman who had to have a man pining for her, but with Spencer it was different. She had to feel his love. It fed her soul to be so important to him.

"Baby," she whimpered as the sound of their skin slapping against each other filled the room. "Please."

"Tell me what you need," he said huskily behind her.

"I need to come, baby," she pleaded. "I'm so close and I need it so bad. I need you so bad."

"Come for me, darlin'," he said as his hand slipped to her clit and moved in circles, the way she liked it. "Let go, I've got you."

J.J. squirmed as he tried to hold her safely in his arms, while fucking her from behind and rubbing her clit rapidly. It wasn't easy, his arms were getting sore, and he was nearly there as well.

"Right there, right there, fuckkkkkk, babyyyyy, uhhhhhhh, fuckkkkkkk," she cried as her body began shaking and he lost rhythm. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yesssssssss. I'm there. I'm there."

He felt her walls milking his dick as she shook in his arms. He held her tightly to make sure she didn't fall or hurt herself. He was about to start moving when to his surprise, she spun around and attacked his mouth. Their kiss messy but delicious.

As quickly as that started, J.J. pulled back and dropped to the floor. Her hands wrapping around his cock before her lips wrapped around it. Spencer wanted to protest, but she was already moving back and forth along with her hand as she worked him back up to his peak.

His hands threaded in her hair as he groaned above her. She knew exactly how he liked to be sucked off and she was so damn good at it. Her head twisted as her tongue rolled around his throbbing shaft. It was only moments later he was emptying himself in her mouth. Once she had sucked him dry, she stood up and threw her arms around his neck, kissing him deeply.

"Fuck, I love our sex life," J.J. gasped as she broke the kiss and collapsed into his arms.

"Me too, you are so amazing," he panted as he held her and leaned against the counter for support.

"I can't believe all these years we could've been doing this," she said.

"Just think though. Now we have the rest of our lives to enjoy it. That's all that matters now," he said kissing her forehead.

Their after-sex cuddling was interrupted by the doorbell. J.J. stepped back to let Spencer put on his underwear and pants.

"Well, that was perfect timing. I might have made the delivery guy wait if we weren't finished," she grinned as Spencer leaned forward and gave her a kiss.

"Oh, I would've definitely made him wait," Spencer laughed as he walked off to answer the door, Aza running behind him.

J.J. sighed as she watched him leave. Things really couldn't get any better.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Next chapter has an exciting surprise! Thanks for all the wonderful comments! xoxo_


	32. Chapter 32

Christmas Eve had finally arrived. J.J. had placed all the gifts under the tree and hung the full stockings over the fireplace. The boys were spending the night with Will but would be dropped off in the morning after opening gifts with him. If it weren't for her excitement over her first Christmas with Spencer, she would be more upset about not having the boys on Christmas Eve.

She rubbed her tight belly and waddled over to the couch, where she plopped herself down in exhaustion. She tried to reach for the remote to put the TV on, but it was just out of her reach. After a few failed attempts, she gave up with a sigh.

"Having some trouble?"

She looked over her shoulder to see Spencer watching her with amusement from the doorway.

"Too much effort. I'd rather just sit in silence," she replied.

Spencer chuckled as he walked over and handed her the remote. She gave a soft thank you as she flipped the TV on and searched for a Christmas movie to watch.

"I was thinking of having a snack. Are you hungry?" he asked as he stood behind the couch and massaged her shoulders.

"Oddly, enough, not really. I feel a little blah," she said.

"The excitement of Christmas getting to you?" he asked as he rubbed his thumbs along her spine and neck.

"Probably," she sighed in contentment.

"You know, Mom and I have a tradition on Christmas Eve," he began. J.J. hummed her curiosity. "We always open one gift."

"Is that so?"

"I think it was Mom's way of easing my excitement. I used to wake her up constantly through the night on Christmas morning to let her know it was technically morning and ok to open presents."

J.J. laughed. She could just picture a little Spencer rattling off statistics at 4am when his mother was trying to sleep.

"Ok, so do you want me to ease your excitement and give you a present?" she said leaning her head back to look up at him.

She saw the childish gleam in his eyes.

"Alright, help me up," she said.

Once she was on her feet she walked over to the tree and lifted up a box. She carried it over and handed it to Spencer, who quickly sat down on the couch and began opening it. When he lifted the lid to the box, he let out a small shriek.

"J.J.! Are you kidding me?" he said with a wide grin.

"Do you like it?"

"Like it? I love it!" he said as he pulled the Limited-Edition boxed set of every Dr. Who season signed by every actor who played the doctor. "This is incredible! Thank you so much!"

He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her before giving her a kiss.

"I am so glad you like it," she said happily.

He put the box on the table and stood up to grab his gift for her. He handed her the large rectangular box. She carefully opened the paper and pried open the lid to the box. She peered inside and saw a plain baby blue handkerchief.

"Oh, it's … beautiful," she said confused by the gift.

She lifted it out of the box and tried to look excited.

"Hold on, it's really cool, I promise. Hold your hand out and shake it over that hand," he instructed.

J.J. held out her hand and shook the handkerchief. Nothing happened. She looked at him again, completely and utterly confused.

"Here, let me show you," he took the handkerchief from her and cupped her hand in his. He shook the handkerchief and as though from thin air, something dropped into her hand. A beautiful, sparkling white gold diamond ring.

She felt the air leave her body as she stared down at the ring in her palm. Her jaw had dropped open slightly and her eyes watered as the moment sunk in. She slowly looked up, not realizing that at some point Spencer had gotten down on one knee.

"Spence," she muttered wetly.

"I know this probably seems too soon and I wouldn't blame you if you felt that way, but for me I don't need more time to know you are the one. You are everything I've always wanted," he said as J.J. began to cry.

"J.J. will you do me the incredible honor of marrying me?" he asked as his voice cracked with emotion.

J.J. smiled as she burst into tears. Her voice refusing to work, so she shook her head up and down before diving into his arms, nearly knocking him over. They held each other tight and kissed passionately before J.J. finally pulled back to hand Spencer the ring.

"Put it on," she sniffled as she held out her hand.

Spencer wiped a tear from his cheek before slipping the ring onto her finger. Of course, it was a perfect fit. She admired her hand.

"Do you like it?" he asked.

"Like it? I love it!" she said, repeating his earlier sentiment.

Spencer laughed as he pulled her in for another hug.

"I really want to jump your bones right now," she said with a hint of frustration, making Spencer laugh some more.

"Would you settle for a little make out session?" he offered.

"I accept," she grinned before pulling him to her mouth.

The next hour was spent kissing and loving on each other, until they were tired and decided to go to bed. Unfortunately, their plan didn't last long. Only two hours into sleep, Spencer was woken up by J.J. poking him.

"Is this payback for all the years I did that to Mom?" he grumbled as he looked at the clock.

"Can I give you another present?" J.J. asked.

"Seriously? It's 1:30 in the morning," he replied.

"But it's a really good one," she insisted.

"You aren't going to let me go back to sleep until I say yes, are you?" he muttered.

"Correct."

He let out a big sigh.

"Alright, go ahead. Get me my gift," he said.

"Well, it's not here yet, but it's coming," she said.

"J.J. babe, I love you, but if it's not here yet, why in the world did you wake me?" he groaned.

J.J. didn't answer. Suddenly, Spencer's brain awakened more and connected the dots. He sprang up to a sitting position and looked at her with wide eyes.

"Now?"

J.J. nodded. "My water broke."

_(xxxxx)_

_A/N: well there you go, a double surprise. Was only going to do one and then bam, along came the baby. I will try to update as often as I can. Thank you to all my readers and to everyone who leaves comments. You are the BEST! xoxo_


	33. Chapter 33

J.J. yawned as a tray of food was placed in front of her. She scrunched her nose in disgust and looked over at Spencer who chuckled. He knew she was not going to eat hospital food.

"Don't worry, I took care of it," he replied.

"Of course, you did. Cause you're amazing," she cooed as she batted her eyelashes at him.

As the nurse was leaving the room, there was the sound of knocking.

"I'm here to make a trade," the voice said entering the room. "I've got a bag full of delicious tacos and you've got a bundle full of cuteness."

"Deal!" J.J. said as she sat up happily.

"You'd give our baby away for tacos?" Spencer said in mock surprise.

"I mean, temporarily, yes," she joked back. "Thank you so much Emily."

"No problem. Spencer said you were hungry, and we wouldn't want two crying girls in this room."

J.J. winked as she took a messy bite out of her taco. Emily walked over to Spencer with an excited glow in her eyes. He stood up from his seat, cradling the tiny ball in his arms.

"Oh Spence, she's beautiful," she said softly as she peered at the little pink face sleeping soundly.

"She weighs 6 pounds 11 ounces and is 17 inches long," he said smiling at his daughter.

"Can I hold her?"

"Of course, she needs to get to know her godmother," Spencer grinned as he handed her over. "Emily, meet Noelle."

"I would say that is incredibly cheesy, but my God if she doesn't look like a Noelle," Emily said with a hint of covered emotion. "Hello, Noelle, I'm your Aunt Emily. I'm the one who's going to teach you how to kick a boy's ass."

"Don't teach my angel curse words," Spencer scolded nearby.

Emily ignored him and pushed the hat back slightly off of Noelle's head. Underneath a tuft of unruly golden fuzz sprang in all directions. Emily chuckled.

"Look at that, you have your dad's hair."

Spencer ran a hand through his messy curls with a smile.

"Now, we will just have to wait and see who's eyes you get," Emily said.

As she was fawning over the baby, another knock sounded at the door. When it opened Michael and Henry came rushing in with Will lingering behind.

"Mommy!" Michael cried as he ran to give her a hug.

"Merry Christmas guys!" J.J. said with excitement. "Did Santa bring you lots of presents?"

"I got a bicycle and a twain and a paw patwol wemote contwol caw and a Chase doll that weally bawks, and I got a scootah and rolla skates," Michael rambled off.

"Wow! Santa sure spoiled you rotten," J.J. said as she kissed his forehead.

"Did he bwing stuff to yaw house?" Michael asked.

"He did, but you have to wait until I go home tomorrow," J.J. said as Michael climbed on to the bed with her.

"Oh," Michael frowned. "Well, I'm hungwy, can I have a taco?"

"Michael, we have food at the house," Will said from the shadows.

"But I want to eat now," he whined.

"It's fine. Go ahead, I'm finished," J.J. said as he immediately began scarfing it down.

"Henry, you can go see her," J.J. said to her older son, who stood at the end of her bed glancing between her and Emily, who still had the baby.

"Come here," Spencer said waving Henry over.

Henry slowly walked over to peer at his new little sister. He studied her quietly before he looked up at Spencer.

"What's her name?"

"Noelle," he replied with a smile.

"That's a good name," Henry said. "Can I hold her?"

"Sure, come here and sit down," Spencer said as walked over to the couch. "Make sure her head stays cradled on your arm."

Once Henry sat down, Spencer stuffed a pillow under Henry's arm to help prop it up and make it easier for him. Then Emily carefully placed Noelle in his arms. A small smile appeared on her face.

"Look at that, Henry. She is happy to meet you," Spencer said.

A smile stretched across his face and he looked up at his mom.

"She smiled Mom. She knows it's me," he said excitedly.

"She likes you," J.J. said as she wiped a tear.

"Dad come see her," Henry said.

J.J. held her breath as she looked over to Will. He walked over to Henry and leaned over to see the baby. To her surprise, he looked genuinely happy.

"You're going to be a great brother to her, Henry. I can tell she likes you already," he said as he patted Henry's shoulder.

"What 'bout me, daddy?" Michael asked as he slipped off J.J.'s bed and hurried over to see Noelle. "She like me too?"

"Oh my goodness, yes. You're going to be a good playmate for her," Will assured him.

"But not yet, she's too small. I might bweak hah," he replied.

"Yes, you have to be very careful with her. Spencer and Mommy will make sure that you can play with her safely."

"Ok," Michael nodded. "Can we go now? I wanna play wiff my toys."

"Just a minute and we'll go."

Spencer decided to distract Michael, while Henry talked to Emily about Noelle and what Christmas presents Santa brought. Will walked over to J.J., surprising her.

"She's really beautiful, Jen. Congratulations," he said sincerely.

"Thank you, and Merry Christmas to you," she said.

"You as well."

J.J. nervously fiddled with her hair before looking at him curiously.

"Not that I want to ruin a nice moment, but you seem … different. I really didn't expect you to be so …"

"Ok with this?"

"Well, yea. Again, I don't want to see you broken up, but I thought it would be harder for you than this."

"I imagine a few months ago it would have," he said nodding. "But you were right. We weren't meant to be. We were two pieces of a puzzle trying to fit together when it's not where we were meant to go."

"Wow," J.J. said shocked. "What brought on this revelation? Did you meet someone?"

"As a matter of fact, I did, and I guess it's like you and Spencer. It's a feeling I cannot deny and have never felt before. It's like …"

"Magic," J.J. said as she looked over at Spencer who was making Michael laugh uncontrollably.

"Yea, magic," he agreed. "Anyway, I realized that everything happens for a reason and though I love you deeply, it's not the same kind of love I feel for Casey. It gave me peace with everything."

"Will, I am so incredibly happy for you," J.J. said with a smile.

"Thanks, I appreciate that," he replied. "Well, I'm gonna get these rascals home. Since they are staying an extra day with me, I'm taking them to Casey's parent's house for dinner. They live on a farm about an hour from here."

"Be safe and have a great time. If you can send me some pictures."

"Will do. Alright, fellas, let's head on out. Say goodbye," Will called out.

Emily took Noelle back into her arms as the boys said their goodbyes. Once they were gone, Emily handed Noelle to Spencer and gave her farewells also. The room had quickly quieted down again.

"That went well," Spencer said as he approached J.J.

"Will's dating someone and he's head over heels for her," J.J. said happily.

"No way, that's awesome. I'm so happy to hear that."

"Me too. It's like a huge burden is lifted off my shoulders," she sighed.

"Same. Oh, by the way, when do you want your ring back?" he asked as J.J. glanced at her bare hand.

She removed all of her jewelry when she arrived at the hospital. She looked down at her fingers and laughed as she held them up.

"When these sausages shrink a little."

Spencer grinned as he bent down and kissed her.

"Get some rest before this little lady gets hungry. I'll take care of her until then."

"You're the best," she grinned.

"I know," he teased as he walked over to the couch and sat down.

J.J. rolled onto her side and closed her eyes. This was by far the best Christmas ever.

***End of Part 2***

(xxxxx)

_A/N: thank you for the continued support. I love reading your amazing comments. Stay tuned for more with part 3!_


	34. Chapter 34

J.J. sat outside staring at the stars. Inside Noelle slept soundly in her crib, while Spencer worked on grading papers. The boys were in Hawaii with Will and Casey. It was hard to believe a year had come and gone already. Noelle was 18 months and smart as a whip. Clearly inheriting her father's intelligence.

The swing she sat on squeaked from rust as she gently moved back and forth. She closed her eyes as the warm June breeze swept over her face. It brought back memories of the day she finally married her best friend.

(xxxxx)

_The ceremony was held on the beach in Virginia. J.J. never imagined Spencer doing a wedding on the beach, but after learning she'd always dreamed of that, he insisted and refused to be swayed otherwise. _

_It was a beautiful Spring day without a cloud in the sky. The temperature was a delightful 70 degrees, with a gentle breeze. Spencer donned a tan suit that melted J.J. to a puddle when she saw him for the first time. His hair held some gel, but the wind ruffled it back to its normal mess of curls. She liked it better that way. _

_She wore a short white dress that hugged her body beautifully and had a layer of lace over it. Her hair was done in a messy mermaid tail, wisps of the edges fluttered in the breeze. They kept everything simple. Rossi was their officiant, Derek was Spencer's best man, and Penelope was J.J.'s maid of honor. The crowd consisted of Emily and Andrew, Matt and Kristy, Luke, Tara, Krystall, Sandy, Savannah, Will and Casey, and of course, Henry, Michael, Noelle, and Aza, who donned his own little bow tie for the occasion. Diana's health had, unfortunately, deteriorated so she wasn't able to physically attend. However, Luke was in the front row live streaming it for her. _

_The ceremony only lasted 20 minutes and J.J. and Spencer spent nearly all of it crying happily. When the words "I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss the bride" were announced, J.J. dove into Spencer's arms kissing him forcefully. The crowd erupted into laughter and claps. _

_The reception was held at a restaurant on the water. There was food, dancing, and drinks. They all had an amazing time, especially Luke and Penelope who were caught making out on the beach by Emily and Tara. They've been inseparable since._

_Following the reception, Will took the boys and Sandy took Noelle for the week. Spencer and J.J. were spending the week at a 5-star hotel graciously given to them as a gift from Rossi. They were shocked beyond belief when they checked in and were sent to the presidential suite. They were assured it wasn't a mistake when they questioned it. Upon entering the room, a beautiful gift basket of wine and desserts sat waiting with a card. It simply read "I couldn't be happier. A.H."_

_After the reception, Spencer barely shut the door, before J.J. was pawing his clothes off. She sent Aza off to sleep, which he immediately obeyed._

"_Eager, are we?" he laughed as she pushed his jacket off._

"_Be grateful, I didn't do this on the beach," she said as she unbuttoned his white shirt._

_Spencer chuckled as he shrugged his shirt off. Once it hit the ground, J.J. pressed her lips to his, kissing him deeply. His arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her against his body. After a few minutes of passionately kissing, Spencer spun J.J. around suddenly. His hands slowly pulled her zipper down, his hand trailing down her back, leaving goosebumps to her burning hot skin._

_He moved the dress off her shoulders, kissing the fully exposed skin. As he slid the dress to the floor, his lips followed. J.J. watched over her shoulder, her heart racing._

"_Turn around," he said staying on his knees._

_J.J. obeyed. His hands slid up her legs, across her lace panties. He sat up higher and pressed his lips to her belly. J.J. gently ran her fingers through his messy hair, sighing with content. It didn't last long as Spencer hooked his fingers into her panties and pulled them off, tossing them aside. He placed his mouth over her soaking wet slit and began to methodically suck, kiss, and lick it. _

_J.J. moaned above him as she stood shaking. She felt Spencer's hand clutch her lower back, bracing her from potentially falling. _

"_Oh, Spence, you are so amazing," she groaned as she threw her head back in ecstasy. _

"_You taste so amazing," he growled as he continued to devour her._

" _I'm gonna come … stop, Spence, wait … I want you," she panted as she tried to pull him up to her._

"_We have all night, baby," he said not stopping. "Let go … come for me … show me how much you wanted me today."_

_J.J. whimpered at his words and wobbled a little as she fawned over him. He was so good at eating her out. He didn't even need his fingers anymore. Desperate to reach her peak, she began grinding down on his face. She heard him huffing a little more for air, but she couldn't stop. It felt so fucking good. His tongue flicked at the right moments, he sucked deeply and tenderly with perfection. He was brilliant._

"_Almost … there … uhhhhh … fuckkkk … yes, yes, oh Spence, yes," she cried loudly, gripping his hair almost uncomfortably._

_Spencer found himself grinning and hoping that the walls were thick in the suite. He felt her legs shaking. He wrapped his arms around her for more support as she leaned over, bracing herself on his shoulders. Suddenly with a shout, she finished. Spencer continued to gently massage her through the orgasm. Until she pushed herself off his face and pulled him to stand up._

"_Get your ass in that bed now!" she said as she pulled him by his belt._

_As they walked toward the king-sized bed, J.J. scrambled to get his pants undone, Spencer assisting slightly. When they reached the bed, he continued to undress, while J.J. scrambled to push all the pillows off the bed and pull back the comforter. Once she accomplished this, she turned to Spencer with lust in her eyes._

"_Sit," she ordered, he listened._

_J.J. walked between his legs and pulled his face to hers. They passionately kissed one another, J.J. tasting herself on his tongue. She pulled away and smiled seductively as she knelt down in front of him. His dick was already rock hard and dripping cum as she licked her lips._

_Leaning forward she pressed her tongue to the underside of his shaft, her tongue sliding up the throbbing vein. Spencer released all the air in his lungs as she licked the tip of him. He felt her hand wrap gently around the base before her warm lips surrounded him. He groaned loudly as she dipped down, taking his entire cock into her mouth._

"_Ahh, Jennifer, that feels incredible," he sighed._

_J.J. smiled when she heard her full name. She loved when he was so worked up he'd call her that. It was only used when he was feeling the most passionate. Sometimes it was when he was furious with her, but most of the time it was during sex when J.J. just seemed too informal for him._

_As J.J. bobbed up and down, her free hand reached out to gently massage his balls, something she found he enjoyed. His hands shot to her head as he began to move with her, trying to go faster. J.J. hummed her approval, making him gasp in pleasure._

_J.J. shifted position and began jamming his dick into her mouth rapidly, while moving her one hand with it and the other hand still cupping his balls. His legs were beginning to stiffen, a sign he was nearing the end. His moans were getting louder as he alternated between watching her and throwing his head back in ecstasy._

_She felt his legs starting to shake and she braced herself for the finale. Moments later she felt the spurts of hot cum in her throat. She swallowed it up before slipping off of him with a pop. She wiped her mouth clean of the excess and drool that managed to escape a little, while Spencer flopped backwards onto the bed, still riding the wave._

_J.J. slipped onto the bed and curled into him, waiting for him to come down. After a few silent minutes, Spencer's eyes opened and looked to her._

"_You are so amazing," he said, repeating her early sentiments._

_J.J. grinned and gave him a soft kiss. _

"_You taste so amazing," she said making him laugh._

_They both inched their way up the bed and collapsed, holding each other close. Spencer kissed the top of J.J.'s head. _

"_Besides Noelle's birth, this has been one of the best days of my life," he sighed._

"_Me too," J.J. agreed as she tilted her head to kiss him._

_The two shared some sweet chaste kisses for a bit, before it was clear they'd charged their batteries enough for round two. Spencer rolled over, cradling J.J. beneath him. It didn't take long before he'd pushed his way into her. Both gasping at the connection. _

_He stared down at her with so much love and lust it nearly broke J.J. Tears filled her eyes as she looked back at the man she now called husband. Another name amongst a plethora of others. Spencer used his thumb to brush aside the tear._

"_I love you," he said with a deep sincerity. _

"_I love you," she replied in kind._

_With that, Spencer began to move inside of her. Pulling himself out to the tip before pushing himself back in rapidly. The balance between gentle and rough was intoxicating. J.J. found herself wanting it harder. To feel like being one was so desperately needed they would die if they didn't stay connected._

"_Harder," she pleaded. "Harder, baby, please."_

_Spencer began thrusting harder. The sound of their skin slapping together and the headboard hitting the wall were competing with their cries. J.J. clawed at Spencer's back and sucked bruises into his chest and shoulder. He held her tightly in his arms as they rocked._

_J.J. was practically curled into a ball in his arms. They were so close together, you couldn't slip a sheet of paper between them. Her legs were wrapped tightly around his waist as he pounded into her over and over. Sweat dripped down their bodies as they both grew closer to the end. _

"_Baby … baby …. Ohhhhhh …. Oohhhhh," J.J. whimpered as she began to shake._

"_I'm almost there, almost," he panted._

"_Spencer … oh … oh … uhhhhhhhhh," she screamed as a massive orgasm washed over her body._

_The room went dark as she convulsed through each incredible wave. She hadn't even realized Spencer finished along with her. He shook and gasped as his body emptied what little it had left. When J.J. had milked him dry, he slipped out of her, grabbed the blanket and pulled it over their bodies. He pulled J.J. close and held her until they both came down. _

"_Wow," Spencer sighed._

"_Just when I think we've had the best sex ever, we go and shatter the previous," she said placing a small kiss to his chest._

_She felt him nod above her._

"_Thank you for everything today, Spence," J.J. said as she snuggled into him. "It was a fairytale come true and I have my Prince to thank for it."_

"_I will always do anything for you J.J. Anything. You have given me so much, I don't think I can ever repay you. But I will try every day to make you the happiest woman alive. You are my world and I am forever yours."_

(xxxxx)

J.J. opened her eyes as that last statement repeated itself over and over, like an echo. She wiped at the tears that had slipped down her cheek. She stood up from the swing and looked back at the house. If only she could go back in time and relive that day. Bottle up that love and hold it tight. If only things hadn't changed. Because now, she felt more alone and more lost than ever.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: welcome to the third part of this beautiful story. Hope you enjoyed the wedding night. Thanks for all the support and amazing comments! You guys are the best! xoxo_


	35. Chapter 35

"Dr. Reid!"

Spencer turned around in the crowded hallway to see a young blonde rushing toward him. Her heels clicked loudly on the tiled floor as she weaved through the students. He moved to the side and waited for her to reach him.

"Dr. Reid! Hang on a second," she said as she got closer.

She was slightly out of breath when she stopped in front of him.

"I'm sorry, I know you have class in a few minutes. Did you get Dr. Coleman's memo?" she asked.

"No, what's going on?" he said with a furrowed brow.

"They are threatening to cut our funding in half and let some of us go," she said clearly distressed.

"What? I thought Carmen assured us we didn't need to worry about that?"

"So did I, but Dr. Coleman said unless we can figure out a way to save money in other places, we are in for major reforming and reductions. What are we going to do? I can't lose this job," she said as her eyes filled with tears.

Spencer took a deep breath and looked around the hall as he tried to think. He lifted his arm to look at his watch.

"I have class until 5:15. Meet me at my office around 5:30 and we'll talk," he said.

The woman nodded, but her eyes were still glassy. He reached out and placed his hands on her shoulder, rubbing gently for comfort.

"Isabelle," he said softly, getting her attention. "It'll be ok. I promise."

She gave him a small grateful smile, before they broke apart and went in different directions.

(xxxxx)

J.J. hurried to the door. She pulled it open and smiled at Penelope.

"Thank you so much for doing this. The boys will be back tomorrow evening, so it's kind of our last chance to be alone," J.J. said as Penelope followed her into the house.

"Absolutely! I'm so excited to have my girl for the night. We are going to have so much fun."

"Noelle, look who's here," J.J. said when they stepped into the living room.

Noelle was sitting on the floor, surrounded by books. One in her lap was opened and she had been studying it carefully. She lifted her little head to look at the visitor. Her dirty blonde hair was tied in two little pigtails that stuck up in the air. Her sky blue eyes lit up when she spotted Penelope.

"Penny," she said as she stood up and ran over to her.

"My little princess!" Penelope squealed as she scooped her into her arms.

"I sleepover?"

"Yes, ma'am! Aunt Penny has lots of fun things planned for us, including ice cream sundaes!"

Noelle bounced happily in Penelope's arms as she shouted her excitement.

"Noelle, go get skelly and blankie," J.J. said.

Penelope put the girl down and she toddled off to her bedroom.

"So, what do you have planned for tonight?" Penelope asked as J.J. cleaned up the stack of books.

"I've been working on a recipe I got from Rossi for Caprese Chicken. I have the table decorated with candles. After we eat, I thought maybe we'd sit outside and have some wine while watching the stars. Maybe play a little romantic music," J.J. said, smiling while imagining it.

"That sounds wonderful," Penelope sighed. "I'm glad you are getting this opportunity. I know you both need it."

J.J. snapped out of her trance and tried to smile through the pain of the accuracy of the comment. She shrugged her shoulders.

"We knew this would be challenging at times. Between me having to run off for cases, his classes, and the kids, alone time would be slim."

"Everything's ok though, right?" Penelope asked hesitantly.

J.J. nodded with a fake smile.

"Of course, everything's ok. Just, busy," she lied.

The truth was they hardly spent any time together anymore. Everything started to change after Diana passed away. Spencer was rightfully devastated. While he stayed strong in front of everyone, at night J.J. could hear him sobbing in his study. In the beginning he allowed her to comfort him, but it wasn't long before he started waiting until he thought she was asleep or forced himself to stop crying when she opened the door, pretending he was fine.

He started working more than he had before. Constantly staying late at work, bringing home more papers to grade. It didn't help that J.J. had to leave frequently and unexpectedly. In just three short months, the distance between them had grown astronomically.

There was no more cuddling. If they had sex, it was hurried and emotionless. A need more than a want. She could often see his eyes glazing over as if he weren't even present in the moment. He never offered foreplay, no more oral, just a quick romp in the sack and then off to sleep or the study.

He was great with Noelle. J.J. didn't believe she noticed any difference in him. She loved to read with him and could often be found near his desk scribbling on sheets of paper, as though she had papers to grade as well. He still played with the boys and taught them experiments or helped with homework. He lavished them with as much praise and adoration as Noelle. They certainly didn't see a change in him.

Only J.J. felt the coldness when he entered the room. Maybe being a profiler made it easier to see things the children couldn't. Like the way his eyes lost that sparkle or the way he walked as if weights were pulling him to the ground. He was there, but his soul was no longer present. Without that light, they were both wandering through the days lost and on autopilot.

"Ready," Noelle said as she came back in the room dragging a pink unicorn bag behind her.

"Let me see your bag," J.J. said as she bent down and peered into it. "Well, I hope you planned to read to her. I think she packed half her library."

"I'd expect nothing left from girl wonder," Penelope laughed.

J.J. walked over to the front door and lifted up a duffle bag that she handed to Penelope.

"Call me if anything comes up," J.J. said.

"It won't. Have fun!"

J.J. shut the door and locked it. She looked at her watch and hurried back to the kitchen. Spencer was due home in an hour, and she wanted to have dinner waiting for him.

(xxxxx)

J.J. sat staring at her cold dinner. She looked at the clock that read 9:43pm. 3 hours late. No call. No text. She wasn't surprised. He never told her when he was going to be late anymore. Why would today be any different.

She heard the front door unlock and open. She heard Aza's paws tapping across the wood floor. As usual, he scurried over to greet her with a lick and a tail wag. She rubbed his head and gave him a warm smile. At least, he was happy to see her.

She heard Spencer enter the room and could feel his shock pulsing through the air. She looked up to see him looking at her confused.

"Did I forget something?" he said slowly.

"No," J.J. replied coldly.

He surveyed the table and then her wardrobe. She was wearing a short red dress that fit her body snuggly. Her hair done in beautiful waves. Her makeup subtle but sexy.

"Where's Noelle?"

"Garcia took her for the night," J.J. answered as she looked back down to Aza.

"J.J. I'm sorry if I'm missing something. I don't remember us making plans –"

"We didn't have plans," she answered as she stood up and began clearing the table.

"If I had known –"

"It doesn't matter," she cut him off as she passed him and dropped the plates into the sink.

"Obviously, it does matter. You put a lot of effort into this," he said.

"It was silly of me," she said as she scraped the cold food into the trash can.

"Why would you think it was silly?"

"Because I convinced myself it would be like old times. Just you and me," she said continuing with cleaning to avoid looking at him.

"If you had told me –"

"Don't," she sighed as she stopped moving and stared at the sink. "Don't blame this on me. It wouldn't have been different if you knew."

"Blame … blame you? I didn't blame you for anything and if I had known I would've tried to come home sooner," he argued.

J.J. spun around with fire in her eyes. Spencer stepped back slightly, surprised by the anger.

"You can't even commit hypothetically!" she snapped. "I would've _tried_ to be home sooner!" she mimicked.

"I had to work!" he yelled back.

"You always have to work! That's all you do anymore!"

"Oh, look who's calling the kettle black!"

"The difference between you and I, is I rush home the second I'm finished! You … YOU stay and play self-sacrificing professor with your adoring groupies!"

"What?" Spencer shouted in confusion.

"Oh poor Dr. Reid! Always has to stay late to have meetings or serve on committees. Always has to save the day when the school needs him. Gotta look good for all the women drooling over him," J.J. cried.

"Give me a break! Everything I do at the school is for us! For our family!"

"Where were you tonight?"

"I was helping analyze the budget to try and save our jobs! We received word today that they were going to be cutting half our funding and firing a handful of staff!" he explained angrily.

"Saving the day," she pointed out.

"I wasn't the only one, we all are trying to fix it," he said.

"Who helped?" J.J. pressed.

Spencer opened his mouth and closed it in frustration.

"Was Robert there? How about Steve? Andy?" she rattled off as he rolled his eyes.

"They had prior commitments," he answered honestly.

J.J. laughed and shook her head.

"Was Carla there? Jackie? Amber?"

Spencer stared her down, not responding.

J.J. licked and pursed her lips before laughing humorlessly again.

"The fact that you don't see it, that you think it's no big deal –"

"Because it's not a big deal! Isabelle was the only one who was able to stay tonight. All we did was work on cutting costs in ways that would protect our jobs."

"Did you go to dinner?"

Spencer sighed. "Yes, we went and got something to eat. But we worked on the budget the whole time!"

J.J. nodded before walking off toward the bedroom.

"What is going on with you? Why are you acting so jealous?" he said as he followed her.

"Jealous? What reason would I need to be jealous? My husband spends more time at work with his gorgeous co-worker than he does with me. That's not frighteningly similar to our story," she said as she flipped off her heels and tossed them into the closet.

"Jennifer, there is _nothing_ going on with me and Isabelle," Spencer groaned.

"She's young and hot, I get it Spence. I do. Why would you not want her?" J.J. said as she slipped out of her dress and threw on pajamas.

"Stop it! Stop it now!" he yelled. "This is getting out of control! You are talking crazy!"

"Crazy? I'm crazy? You spending your nights with another woman that isn't your wife is crazy!"

"I'm not spending my nights with her! It's work! I'm working!"

"Have you been to her house?"

Spencer huffed and folded his arms across his chest.

"Do you fuck her when your done working? After your done grading papers? Do you take her over your desk and fuck her?"

"Knock it off!" Spencer shouted.

"You aren't getting it from me. So, you must be getting it somewhere. Is she tight? Is her body beautifully unmarked by children or age? Does she make you feel young again?"

"ENOUGH!" Spencer screamed as he spun and punched his fist into the wall.

Plaster sprinkled to the floor as he cried out in a mixture of anger and pain. J.J.'s eyes widened, and her jaw dropped as she stared at him. Without another word, Spencer stormed from the room. She heard him whistle for Aza and moments later the front door slammed shut.

Shaking, J.J. moved to the bed where she collapsed and lost all composure. If he didn't want to leave her before, he certainly would want to now. What had she done?

(xxxxx)

_A/N: sorry for the delay in updates. I haven't been able to gather my thoughts enough to write, but I was finally able to this evening. I know some of you will be mad at me for the turmoil, but I can assure you, I always end my stories happy. So, don't fret! Thanks for reading and all the kind comments! xoxo_


	36. Chapter 36

"It was awful. The things I said to him. I was so jealous and stupid," J.J. cried as she dropped her head onto Penelope's table.

"Oh honey," Penelope cooed as she wrapped her arms around her sobbing friend.

"What if I chased him away? What if pushing him caused him to do exactly what I feared he would do?"

"No, uh uh, no way. Not Spencer. Not the man who pined for you every day since the moment he first laid eyes on you. He would never do that," Penelope insisted.

"He isn't the same man anymore. Since Diana … " J.J. said, stopping as she burst into tears again.

"I know he's been distant. He's been that way with all of us, but he wouldn't leave you and he most certainly wouldn't cheat on you. He just wouldn't do that."

"He doesn't look at me the way he used to. When I enter the room, there are times he doesn't even acknowledge my presence. It's like I don't exist to him anymore," J.J. whimpered.

Penelope sighed as she cradled her friend in her arms. Part of her wanted to wring Spencer's neck for this, but she also knew that this wasn't unusual for him. He didn't deal with death well. His defense mechanism was to throw up fences and keep everyone out.

"Talk to him. No yelling, no jealousy. Tell him the truth. Tell him how you feel and that you're afraid you're losing him. Spencer is easily the most oblivious human I know. For an IQ of 187 and one of the best profilers to ever exist, he couldn't find an apple in a bowl of marshmallows."

J.J. looked up and gave a small half smile.

"That's just because he's mildly autistic," she said softly.

"You think so? I've always thought that too, but nobody ever talked about it before and it seemed super rude to ask or bring it up," Penelope rambled before catching J.J. staring at her. "I digress. Go talk to him. It will help, I promise."

J.J. wiped her eyes with the tissues sitting on the table in front of her. She blew her nose gently.

"Ok," she looked at her watch. "The boys aren't due home for another 4 hours. Do you think you can watch Noelle a little longer?"

"You don't even need to ask, I hadn't planned on giving her back anyway," Penelope teased. "Luke and I are keeping her."

J.J. gave a small chuckle and said her thanks before rushing out the door.

(xxxxx)

J.J. sat in her car trying to calm herself down while she waited for Spencer's class to finish. When the clock read 5:15, she looked in the mirror one more time to make sure she looked presentable. Deciding it was the best it was gonna be, she climbed out of the car and made her way inside.

She walked through the crowd of students leaving or heading to their next class. Her heart raced the closer she got to Spencer's office. As she rounded the corner, she saw Spencer enter his room with Isabelle and Aza trailing behind him. The hall was emptying as she scooted closer to the office to eaves drop.

"It's fine," Spencer said.

"What happened?" Isabelle asked with concern.

"Nothing, I accidentally shut it in the door last night. Broke one of my knuckles," he said.

The hospital. That's where he had gone last night after rushing out of the house. She wasn't surprised he walked away with a broken knuckle. The hole he'd left behind was evident of that.

"Oh, Spence," Isabelle murmured.

_Spence?_ No that was her name for him! No one could call him that!

"It's really nothing. I can't even feel it. It's more of a nuisance than anything," Spencer assured her.

"Is there anything I can do?" she offered.

"I appreciate that, but I'm good."

"Let me help you finish those papers at least. It can't be easy trying to do all that grading with one hand. Especially since it's your right hand," she said.

J.J. could hear the distinct ruffling of material. The sound of a hand gently rubbing the fabric of a dress shirt. The sound of another woman consoling her husband.

"You have other things –" he began.

"Don't be silly. There's nowhere I need to be. I'm happy to help," she said brightly. "I'll have some Chinese delivered and we'll get those papers knocked out."

"Ok, thank you. That's very kind of you," Spencer replied.

J.J. turned and hurried off, tears building quickly in her eyes. She barely made it to the car before her head slammed into the steering wheel and she let out a tremendous sob.

(xxxxx)

Spencer was surprised to see only the porch lights on when he got home from work at 8pm. The boys were supposed to be home tonight. It was too early for bed. Maybe they were watching a movie or maybe J.J. went to pick them up instead of Will dropping them off.

He hoped J.J. was in a better mood tonight. He didn't want to have another argument though he was sure he'd get the cold shoulder for missing dinner again. Not to mention the hole he'd put in the wall last night.

He opened the front door and stepped inside. The house was eerily quiet. He walked into the empty living room, placing his bag on the floor.

"Hello? Jen?" he called out.

There was no response. He walked to the boy's room and peered inside. Empty. He pushed Noelle's door open and peered inside. Empty. He went into his bedroom and flipped on the light switch. He noticed a piece of paper on his nightstand.

He walked over and picked it up. He crumbled it up in a ball and threw it angrily across the room. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and with great difficulty, due to his hand, called J.J. It rang until it hit voicemail. He hung up and tried again. He did this repetitively 10 times before he lashed out at the nightstand.

He kicked it and lifted the lamp, tossing it across the room where it shattered against the closet door. He grabbed the nightstand and shook it violently until he collapsed onto the floor in a heap of tears. His head pounding. He reached into the drawer and pulled out a pill, dry swallowing it. He was sure he was dangerously close to triggering a seizure.

He leaned his back against the bed and tucked his knees against his chest. Everything was falling apart around him and he didn't know what to do or where to go. So, he sat there and cried until he had no more strength. Then he crawled, fully dressed, into bed where he fell asleep.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: I know I'm stressing you guys out! Bear with me! It will be ok! Just repeat "she never ends a story sad." Thank you for all the amazing comments! You are all the best! _

_Just a few little notes: I don't know if I'll do a flashback to Diana passing away. It's a possibility, but if it doesn't work into the story correctly, I won't do it. However, there will be more talk of her death in the future._

_As for Spencer's seizures, I imagine that he rarely experiences them due to medication he has been prescribed. He still needs to be careful during stressful moments, such as today's moment, but it is better controlled then before._

_Finally, Spencer has no more memory lapse problems. With the exception of possible seizures, his mind is healthy and working as it should be. The distance between him and J.J. will be explained in the future._


	37. Chapter 37

A week had passed since J.J. took Noelle to stay with Penelope and Luke. He always knew this was too good to be true. He'd been waiting for the shoe to drop long ago. In a sick way, he felt vindicated by the turn out. He had known all along this would happen and he had been right.

He thought about her note. _Spencer, it's clear you and I are no longer on the same page of the same story. I hope that you find what you're looking for and I hope she brings you happiness. I'll contact you soon about arrangements to see Noelle. Until then, please don't call or come looking for me._

He knew the "she" was Isabelle. He also knew that she ended up at Penelope's house because Luke sent him a message. He offered an ear to talk to, but Spencer declined. There was nothing to talk about because he had done nothing wrong. He was the one wronged. Accused of cheating. Isabelle and he were friends. Nothing more. Why did J.J. not see that?

The first day she'd left, he spent the entire day drinking until he was so wasted, he fell asleep on the kitchen floor, with broken glass and whisky surrounding him. The second and third day, he slept all day. Only getting up to let Aza do his business, then back to wallow in self-pity.

The fourth day, he was forced to get up and go to work. He had to pretend that nothing was wrong as he taught his classes. He had to deal with Isabelle trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Finally, on the sixth day, he cracked and told her.

"My wife left me. She took my daughter and left," he said as he packed his bag to go home.

"Oh, Spence," she sighed empathetically. "I'm so sorry."

"It was bound to happen," he replied.

"Is there anything I can do?" she said as she placed her hand on his arm.

"I appreciate it, but no," he said as he moved away and slung his bag over his shoulder.

"Please, let me know if you change your mind," she said as they walked out of the office together. "And I mean that. Anything you need, call me. Anytime."

"Thanks," he said as they parted in different directions.

It was the seventh day since J.J. and Noelle left. Spencer had been home from work for a little over an hour and was curled up on the couch staring at old reruns of Star Trek when his doorbell rang. Spencer sighed. He wondered which friend he should expect to see on the other side. Morgan was a high probability. Maybe Emily. He doubted that Tara or Matt would get involved. Could be Penelope, but he had a feeling she was mad at him too.

He slowly trudged to the door. His hair shooting out in different directions, his clothes from work wrinkled, his tie half undone. He flipped the lock and pulled the door open.

"Isabelle?" he said surprised.

"Hey, I'm sorry to bother you. I just, I thought you might like something to eat. I won't stay. I just wanted to drop it off," she said handing him a casserole dish.

"Oh, um, thank you," he said as he took it from her. "That's very kind of you."

"No problem. I'm gonna get going," she said as she pointed her thumb over her shoulder.

Spencer hesitated a moment before he reluctantly moved to the side. He really didn't want to entertain company, but she took the time to make him a meal it was the least he could do.

"You can stay and eat with me if you'd like. I mean, since you made it, you might as well enjoy it too," he said.

"Are you sure? I don't want to impose. I really just thought I'd drop it off –"

"You aren't imposing. Please, come in," he said interrupting her.

Isabelle smiled and walked into the house. Spencer shut the door and locked it, then led the way to the kitchen. He placed the casserole down on the table and went to grab some plates.

"Do you want something to drink?" he called out.

"Um, do you have any wine? I usually drink that with dinner. If not, water is fine," she said.

A few moments later, Spencer emerged carrying plates, forks, and a bottle of wine. He turned around and went back into the kitchen and returned with a wine glass for Isabelle and a beer for himself.

Spencer wasn't much of a drinker, but since J.J. left it had become a crutch. He told himself it was better than going out to score, which was something he considered more than he'd like to admit.

The remainder of the meal was spent talking about nothing in particular. Isabelle rambled the most. Telling him about her childhood and then her recent break up with a boyfriend who constantly belittled her. Before Spencer knew it, they were on the couch talking and drinking.

"Isabelle, Ted is crazy. You are smart and beautiful, and any guy would be lucky to have you. Don't let him get into your mind," Spencer assured her as he finished his fourth beer.

"Thanks," she sniffled as she wiped a tear. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be alone forever."

"No," he shook his head. "No way. You'll find the right guy and he'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated."

Isabelle blushed as she looked at her watch.

"Oh, wow, it's nearly midnight. I should go," she said getting up and stumbling a little.

"I don't think you should drive," he said as he reached out to steady her. "I'll call a –"

Suddenly, her lips were pressed to his. Her fingers grasping his face. For a moment, Spencer froze and then, he pushed her back, stepping away from her.

"No," he said with his hands out in front of him. "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression –"

"Spencer, this is fate. I've been praying that I find someone like you and now with your wife gone, we can be together. We have so much in common and you … you would treat me the way I deserve to be treated."

She moved toward him and Spencer stepped back again.

"Isabelle, no," he said.

"You said I was beautiful, that any guy would be lucky to be with me. Don't you want me? I want you," she said as she tried to move toward him again.

"No … you need to leave. Now," Spencer said as he tried to keep himself calm.

J.J. was right. Oh, God, J.J. had been right all along. What had he done? This was all his fault. He must've done something to make Isabelle think they had a chance to be together. As he was rounding the back of the couch, Aza started barking.

"Spencer, I know you're scared. We don't have to rush this, we can take our time and let things take their natural course," she said following him.

Aza was now barking and hitting Spencer with his paw. He knew exactly what that meant. But it was too late for him to react to it. The next thing he knew the room went black.


	38. Chapter 38

J.J. hurried to the front door. She had been alerted to Spencer's seizure and had Penelope drive her over. She unlocked the front door and ran inside.

"Spence?" she called before skidding to a stop.

Spencer was lying on the floor on his side with Isabelle kneeling in front of him. She looked over her shoulder looking pale and terrified.

"An ambulance is on the way," she said shaken. "He hit his head."

J.J. stared in stunned silence at the woman helping her husband. Looking up toward the living room, she saw the wine and the beer bottles. Her heart dropped and her stomach clenched. He certainly didn't waste any time.

"The medics … are … here," Penelope said obviously taking in the sight before her.

She snapped out of her daze and grabbed J.J. gently to steer her out of the way of the medics that ran into the room. They began working on Spencer as Isabelle slowly stood up. Her hands shaking as blood dripped from them. She looked to Penelope and J.J.

"I'm –" Isabelle began.

"Don't speak," Penelope snapped. "Not one word."

Isabelle shut her mouth. The air was thick with anger as the EMT's worked on Spencer. They asked him questions and before long, he was answering them in mumbles. They put him on the stretcher and hurried him out the door.

"Take me home," J.J. said barely above a whisper.

She turned and walked from the room as Penelope spun to face Isabelle. She lifted her finger and pointed it threateningly at Isabelle.

"I don't want to see your face anywhere near Spencer again. Do you hear me? If you do, I can promise you, I will be your worst nightmare," Penelope said before spinning on her heels and storming from the house.

She climbed into the driver's seat and looked at J.J. who was pressed against the window. Curled into herself.

"Do you want to go –"

"No," J.J. replied coldly. "Take me home."

Penelope nodded and drove off.

(xxxxx)

A few hours later, Spencer was brought into a room for the remainder of the night. He'd only suffered a minor cut to his brow, which bled more due to the alcohol and it being his head. After a couple stitches and a confirmation that there was no signs of a concussion or other injuries to his brain, they'd gotten him a room.

He was surprised when morning came that Derek was the one sitting in the chair nearby. He rubbed his eye and flinched at the pain over his eyebrow.

"Morning, sunshine," Derek said looking up from his phone.

"Hey, why are you here?" he asked.

"Well, how else are you gonna get home?"

"I thought …" he trailed off.

"J.J. is definitely not coming to see you and I don't blame her," Derek replied sharply.

Spencer furrowed his brow and looked at him confused.

"Drink too much to remember last night?"

Spencer shook his head no.

"That makes it worse. You can't even say you were stupid because you were drunk. You were stupid because you're just stupid!"

"Derek, I only invited her in for dinner! She –"

"I never thought you'd stoop so low, kid. I can't even imagine how J.J. must've felt seeing you with her," Derek sighed.

"Wait, what? J.J. was there?"

"Of course, she was there. She got the alert and came rushing over to help you. When she ran inside, she found Isabelle taking care of you. Her sweater laying over the couch, alcohol bottles on the table. Penelope said she was gutted."

"No, no it's not what it looked like! I swear!" Spencer said sitting up.

The heart monitor rising rapidly.

"Whatever you were doing, it wasn't with your wife," Derek said as he folded his arms over his chest.

"No, I need to see her," Spencer said frantically as he began pulling the wires out of his arm. "I need to go! No! I need to go to her!"

Two nurses rushed into the room, scolding Spencer and shouting for him to calm down.

"I want to be released, get the papers, I need to go now!" Spencer demanded.

"Sir," one of the nurses began.

"Get the papers! I need to go!" he yelled.

"Reid! Calm down! You're going to work yourself into another seizure! Calm down!" Derek said as he moved toward the bed.

"Morgan, I need to fix this!" Spencer said as tears streamed down his cheeks. "I can't lose her! Please get me out of here, please!"

"Ok, we'll get you out of here, but you have to calm down. You have to relax, or they won't be able to release you," Derek soothed as he rubbed Spencer's back.

"What have I done?" he sobbed as he dropped his head into his knees.

"We'll fix this. The nurses will get your release papers together and I'll take you to her. Everything will be ok," Derek assured him.

"J.J. I'm so sorry," he breathed into his knees.

The nurses stood next to the bed unsure of what to do. Derek used his head to signal them to leave. They looked at one another before reluctantly leaving. Derek spent the reminder of the hospital stay trying to keep Spencer calm.

(xxxxx)

Luke opened the door slightly and peered out. Derek stood next to Spencer, who was clearly distraught. Luke glanced over his shoulder again before looking back out the door.

"You know she's gonna kill me for this," Luke whispered.

"I'll take the blame for it," Derek said.

Luke sighed and moved aside, opening the door more. Spencer and Derek walked inside waiting for Luke to shut the door all the way.

"Luke, can you grab some mi …" Penelope trailed off as she came around the corner to see Spencer and Derek standing next to a sheepish looking Luke.

"You traitor!" she growled at Luke.

"Don't be mad at him. It's my fault," Derek said.

"Boys, always stick together," she said scrunching up her face in a mixture of disgust and anger.

"Let the kid talk to her," Derek started.

"No! Not after what he did to her! He doesn't deserve her," Penelope snarled.

"It's not your battle. You need to let them work this out," Derek said.

"To hell this isn't my battle. That is my friend back there that he cheated on –"

"I didn't cheat on her! I swear! I admit I was an idiot because I really thought Isabelle was just my friend. I never meant to hurt her. Please let me talk to her, please," Spencer pleaded as tears filled his eyes.

She stared at him momentarily before letting out a huff.

"Her room is the second door on the right. If she doesn't let you in, I'm not unlocking the door and keep it down. I just got Noelle down for her nap," she snapped.

Spencer hurried down the hallway to the door hiding J.J. He reached out and knocked. He heard sniffling inside, but no one responded. He took a chance and reached for the doorknob turning it. It opened.

He stepped into the dark room and quietly closed the door. He could see the silhouette of her on the bed. She must've been facing the other direction, because she didn't react to him entering the room.

"Does Noelle need me," she said softly.

"J.J., it's me," he said startling her.

"No! No! Go away!" she shouted as she rolled out of bed and charged toward him. "Go away! I hate you! I hate you!"

She pounded her fists against his chest as she tried to shove him from the room. Spencer braced himself and let her attack him until she was out of energy. He wrapped his arms around her as she tried to get away. Her back against his chest.

"I'm sorry, God, I'm so sorry," Spencer cried as he held her squirming body. "Please forgive me! She means nothing to me."

"I hate you!" J.J. continued to yell as she slowly fell to the floor, pulling Spencer down with her. "I hate you!"

"I hate me too," he said as he cried into her shoulder.

"Why?" she sobbed. "Why did you do it?"

"I know what it looked like. I know letting her in our home was stupid. I didn't see what you saw. I really thought she was my friend. I had no idea … I'm just so stupid. But I didn't want her. I don't want her. I only want you! You have to believe me," he said desperately.

J.J. didn't respond. She continued to cry as he clutched her tightly in his arms. It was a good fifteen minutes before J.J. found the strength to talk.

"What's happened to us? Everything has changed between us," she croaked.

"It's my fault," he said with a trembling lip. "After Mom died, I pulled away from you."

J.J. scooted out of his hold and turned to face him. Her eyes swollen and red. Her cheeks stained with streaks from her tears.

"Why? What did I do?" she said as her voice cracked.

"Nothing. I told you all of this is my fault. I was scared. Losing Mom was losing a big part of my identity. I don't know who I am without her. The last 29 years of my life have revolved around her. Everything I've done in my life has been done to better her life. I began questioning everything about myself and my worth. What am I? Who am I?"

J.J. sighed. To his surprise she reached out and placed a hand on his knee.

"You're a father to a brilliant and beautiful girl. A stepfather to two amazing and handsome boys. You're a teacher to students who hope to make a difference in the world. You're an agent who spent many years selflessly throwing himself in harm's way to save lives. You're a friend who's always there when he's needed. And you're a husband, who is loved and adored beyond words."

Spencer shook as he cried. As her words sunk in and filled him with so much guilt.

"I don't deserve any of that. I'm so stupid," he whimpered.

"You are stupid. I agree," she said. "And I am still furious with you."

He nodded. His head still facing the ground.

"But I know you didn't mean for things to end up like this," she said, his eyes peering through his stringy, messy hair. "I think with some time, we can work this out."

"Yes, please, anything, I'll do anything," he begged.

"You swear nothing happened between you and Isabelle?" she asked, studying him carefully for lies.

"I swear! She kissed me and I pushed her away and I told her no. I told her to go home and that's what got me all worked up. I knew you'd been right all along, and I was upset, and she wouldn't listen. I swear! I swear on my life, Jen. I didn't want her."

J.J. had flinched when he said kissed. She closed her eyes as he finished talking and then sighed. She opened her eyes and looked at him. They still shimmered with pain, but he also saw understanding.

"I believe you. I'm not happy about what happened, but I believe you," she said.

He scooted closer to her. His hand clutching hers tightly.

"You are my whole world, J.J. You and Noelle and the boys. It's all I've ever dreamed of and no one will ever be able to take that away from me. I need you. All of you. I will make this better. I will make this up to you," he said sincerely.

J.J. gave a small, tight-lipped smile.

"Ok," she said.

"You'll come home?"

She nodded. He reached out and pulled her into a hug. His nose buried in her hair as more tears dripped down his face. He let her go enough to press his forehead to hers, angling more to the left to avoid the stitches.

He lifted his good hand and cupped her jaw, his thumb stroking her cheek. Closing his eyes, he gave her a soft kiss. To his relief, she returned it, her own hand slipping into the mess of hair by his neck.

"Let's get Noelle and go home," he said when they broke their kiss.

"Home," she agreed.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: Two in one night! My eyes are burning cause I'm tired, but I did it. I hope you like this chapter. I do have to say, I feel this story coming to an end. Only a few more chapters and that should wrap things up. Good news is, I already have another story fighting to get its way out. So stay tuned for that one! And as always thanks for the love and comments xoxo_


	39. Chapter 39

A week later, Spencer was packing up his things at work for the weekend, when he heard a small knock at his door. He looked up to see Isabelle standing sheepishly in the doorway. He frowned as he returned to shoving things in his bag. He had successfully avoided her all week but knew sooner or later she was going to confront him.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said softly.

"What do you want?" he replied coldly.

"I want to apologize for my behavior. I took advantage of a weak moment and I'm truly embarrassed."

"You should be," he said as he put the remaining items in his bag and stood up straight, staring at her.

"I'm glad you're ok," she said glancing at his stitches.

"I trusted you, Isabelle. I thought you were my friend –"

"I am your friend," she interrupted.

"No, you're not. A friend would never have tried to get between me and my wife. She warned me that's what you were doing, and I was too stupid, too naïve to realize it. I defended you," he said angrily.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I really thought we had a connection –"

"Well, we don't and now, I would like to keep this as professional as possible. I don't want you stopping by my office or finding me in the hall between classes. Unless you have important business that absolutely has to be discussed with me and can't be discussed with someone else, you are to stay away from me. Do I make myself clear?"

A tear slid down Isabelle's cheek. She nodded.

"Crystal."

"If there's nothing else, then I'm leaving. My family is waiting for me," he said as he threw his bag over his shoulder.

Isabelle stepped to the side as he walked past her. She watched him go until he disappeared from view. Realizing she had ruined a great friendship.

(xxxxx)

"Throw it to me!" Michael yelled as he jumped up and down.

J.J. spun on her heels and threw the football to Michael who took off running in circles as Henry ran after him. Henry reached out and lightly shoved Michael who stumbled to the ground.

"Mom! He pushed me!" Michael whined.

"I barely touched him!" Henry shouted.

"You did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Ok, ok, come on. Let's go inside and get cleaned up for dinner. Spencer should be here soon and he's bringing us a surprise."

"McDonalds?" Michael asked as he jumped up, suddenly injury free.

"No, Taco Bell!" Henry said.

"Taco!" Noelle parroted as she clapped at Henry.

"Guess, you'll need to come inside to see."

They looked at the patio door to see Spencer smiling at them from the doorway.

"Daddy!" Noelle cried as she toddled toward him.

He stepped out of the house and bent down with his arms extended. Noelle dove into him and he scooped her into the air. She squealed as he tossed her into the air and caught her. He did this three times before peppering her with kisses.

"Do that to me!" Michael hollered as he ran toward Spencer.

Spencer placed Noelle down and held his arms out for Michael. He lifted the much heavier boy into his arms and tossed him only slightly into the air. He was able to do it three times before huffing out of breath.

"You're getting too big for this," Spencer said. "Soon you'll be doing it to me."

"Nooo," Michael giggled. "You're too tall and heavy."

"I don't know. You seem strong enough," Spencer said eying him out. "Come here. Try holding me."

Spencer than flopped over on top of Michael's head pretending to throw all his weight on Michael. Michael laughed as his little legs wobbled beneath Spencer, his arms pressing on Spencer's chest. Henry came running over and wrapped his arms around Spencer's middle and tried to lift him. He made a loud groaning sound as he tried.

"Awe, come on boys. Put some muscle into it," Spencer teased.

"We … can't!" Michael huffed. "You're … too … big!"

Spencer laughed as he stood up straight and ruffled the boys' hair.

"Everyone inside, wash your hands for dinner," J.J. said as she wandered up behind them.

Spencer looked at her with a smile. She could see the light in them that had been missing. They were still going to need to work on things, but she believed everything would be fine now. When Spencer told her he would do anything to fix things, he'd meant it. He made an appointment with a therapist to work on dealing with the loss of his mom, which surprised her since he didn't particularly like therapy. She was so proud of him.

"How was your day?" he asked as he slipped a hand around her waist and pressed his lips to her cheek.

"It was nice. The kids have been so well behaved today," she said. "How about you?"

"Good, nothing exciting in class," he said before tensing a little. "But I did run into Isabelle."

He saw J.J.'s face drop, though she tried to hide it.

"Oh," was all she could manage.

"I told her I didn't want her coming near me unless it was work related and absolutely necessary," he told her as he reached out and grabbed her hand. "You don't have to worry. I was an idiot once. I won't be an idiot twice."

J.J. gave him a small smile as he pulled her into his arms.

"I promise," he said softly. "You will never need to worry about me again. You will never question my love for you."

She pursed her lips to hold back her emotions and looked up at him. The sincerity spilling from his eyes. She nodded.

"Let's go eat. I brought home everyone's favorite food."

(xxxxx)

The kids were sound asleep. They were worn out after a night of playing games. Spencer had started a game of hide and go seek that had everyone shrieking and laughing. Then somehow it turned into a game of wrestling. The kids piled up on Spencer as J.J. tried, with little effort, to save him.

Before long they were all exhausted. Noelle went to sleep 30 minutes earlier than usual, Michael fell asleep on the couch, and Henry fell asleep only 10 minutes after he'd been tucked into bed. Once they were all settled into their rooms, J.J. and Spencer crashed on the couch.

"Man, I'm out of shape," Spencer sighed as he rubbed his sore muscles.

"Lost a lot of that energy after leaving the BAU, huh?" J.J. laughed.

"Seriously. I was never the brawn of the team, but at least I could lift some kids without wanting an oxygen tank," he sighed.

"Awe, old age catching up to you?" J.J. teased as she poked his side, making him flinch.

"You're older than me," he pointed out.

"But I'm still active, so I could kick your ass," she said.

"You could kick my ass when I _was_ active," he joked back making her burst out into laughter.

"You were stronger than you let on," she said rubbing her hand along his shoulder.

They were quiet for a few moments. J.J.'s hand ran lightly through his messy curls. His hand placed on her lap.

"Do you miss it?" she asked looking at him.

"The BAU?" She nodded. "Yeah, sometimes. I miss working with you and everyone. I miss the feeling of solving the last piece of the puzzle that leads to the capture of the unsub. That's about it though. I like knowing when I'm going to be home and teaching is rewarding in it's on way."

"I've been thinking about changing positions," she said surprising him.

"Really?"

"Like you, I think I'm starting to lose the excitement of the job. I find myself wishing more and more that I'm home with the kids … and with you," she said as they smiled lovingly at one another.

"So, what are you thinking?" he asked, trying not to seem too excited.

"I think maybe I want to work at the office. No more traveling or field work. I was thinking of asking Emily if she would consider hiring me as a personal assistant. I can be in charge of filing all her paperwork, taking her calls, and making sure all her reports are completed in time."

"J.J., wow, that … that sounds amazing. Will they allow that though?"

"I don't know. I'll probably have to take a pay cut, but I know that Cruz had mentioned once before long ago that we needed an office assistant. Hotch always refused because he never wanted to budget cut the team. If I offer, maybe it'll be different."

"Well, you know I support you no matter what you decide," Spencer assured her. "And money is not a problem since I no longer need to pay for Bennington. We have more than enough money to cover finances."

"Thank you," she said laying her head on his shoulder.

They sat quietly again for another few minutes before Spencer broke the silence.

"Why don't we head to bed?" he said as he looked at his watch.

"Yea, that sounds good," J.J. agreed as she stood up and began turning off the lights.

Once everything was locked up and all the lights were out, they headed off to bed. Spencer wished Aza a good night as they passed his bed. J.J. pushed open the bedroom door and faltered. She let out a gasp and looked around the room stunned.

Rose petals decorated the bed and the floor. Candles lay around the room, leaving a romantic glow. On her pillow sat a little wrapped box.

"Spence?" she questioned below her breath.

He took her hand and led her over to the bed where he picked up the box and handed it to her. She looked at it stunned and then back up at him.

"When did you do all of this?"

"During hide and go seek. It's why I made our room off limits," he grinned. "Open it."

J.J. carefully unwrapped the paper and then lifted the lid to the box. She gasped at the gold necklace that glittered back at her. An infinity symbol encrusted with diamonds hung from the delicate chain.

"It's a symbol of my love for you. Never ending," he said softly into her ear as he stood behind her.

J.J. took the necklace from the box and held it out for him to put around her neck. He gently rested it on her chest and slipped the chain around her where he clasped it together. Her hand lifted to touch the symbol as tears filled her eyes. She turned to face him.

"It's beautiful," she whispered as her eyes shimmered.

"You're beautiful," he said as he lifted his hand and used his thumb to brush away her tears.

With his hand cupping her face, he pulled her closer and pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was sweet and tender as her arms wrapped around him. It had been so long since she felt the love in his kiss. The way he moved carefully, savoring every sweep of his tongue.

When they broke a part, he looked at her with such desire in his eyes. She gave him a loving smile as she reached between them and lifted her shirt over her head. Spencer watched her as he licked his lips. J.J. wasted no time slipping her bra off and dropping it to the floor.

It was like they had gone back to the first time. Spencer stared at her flesh with lust as he slowly ran his hands up her bare skin. His thumbs flicked over her nipples.

"You are breathtaking," he sighed as he leaned down to capture her lips again.

As they kissed, J.J. worked on undoing his tie and then his shirt. Both being discarded in a pile next to hers. She ran her hands along his warm skin that pimpled under her touch. Without warning, Spencer scooped her into his arms, still kissing her firmly, and carefully placed her on the bed.

She situated herself on the pillows as he climbed over her, detouring to her breasts where he tenderly kissed and suckled at the skin and nipples. J.J. threw her head back and grasped at his hair as she let him explore her. Each kiss felt so important as though it was burning it's love for her into her skin.

When he reached her pants, he rolled to the side slightly and began unbuttoning them. He then slid them down her body, panties and all, tossing them to the floor with the other discarded items. He slid his hand up her leg, brushing her center as he crossed to the other side. When he crossed over a second time, he stopped to gently rub her.

J.J. let out a little whimper, making him look at her. He scooted up and captured her mouth with his. They both kissed hungrily as his hand began sliding up and down her wet pussy. Her hands reached out for his belt and hurriedly undid it, before popping his button and unzipping his pants. She reached inside and grabbed his rock hard dick right as he slipped a finger inside of her. Both of them gasped at the feeling.

"Make love to me," J.J. pleaded. "Please."

Spencer pulled his hand away from her and quickly stripped out of his remaining clothes. He climbed on top of her, their eyes connecting as he reached between them and rubbed his cock along her entrance. He slowly started pushing himself into her. Their eyes not breaking from one another. Finally, her body stretched fully, letting her in.

In unison they groaned in pleasure. Spencer grabbed J.J.'s hand and threaded their fingers before pressing his lips to hers. He began moving slowly in and out as they continued to pepper each other with kisses.

"Oh, Spence," J.J. moaned as he shifted and hit her favorite spot. "I've missed this so much. I've missed you so much."

"Me too," he said as he adjusted to cradle her tighter in his arms. "Me too baby."

He began moving quicker as they clung to one another. J.J.'s arms and legs wrapped around him and he scooped her into his arms and slammed into her.

"I love you," she whimpered as he moved rapidly in her.

"I love you," he repeated against her neck before kissing there, probably harder than he should have since it would definitely leave a mark.

Knowing he was nearing his end he slipped a hand between them and rubbed her clit as he slipped in and out of her. By now, J.J. was biting her lip as she kept from screaming in pleasure. Her moans loud and muffled into his skin. He felt her start to shake and willed himself to hold out a bit longer.

J.J. grunted and bit into Spencer's shoulder making him yelp as she hit her climax. Her body convulsed below him as she rode out the wave. Once he knew she was done, he focused on his ending, which followed five thrusts later.

He dropped onto the bed exhausted and sore but feeling higher than any dilaudid could ever get him. After a moment, he rolled to his side and pulled J.J. into his arms. He kissed her forehead as she settled against his chest.

"That was incredible," he sighed as his hand ran gently along her back.

"There's more where that came from," J.J. grinned.

"Not tonight, I hope. Remember, I'm old now," he teased making J.J. laugh.

"Ok, grandpa, let's get some rest," she joked back.

"Grandpa? That seems a little much," he said as he pulled the covers over their naked bodies.

"Sexy grandpa?"

Spencer laughed. They spent the next hour staring at one another and giving gentle kisses to one another. Finally, he got out of bed blew out all the candles, grabbed pajamas for them both, since they knew one of the kids would be in to wake them at some point. Then fell asleep for the first time in well over 3 months cuddling each other. Both thinking about how they had been able to rewrite their story to end happily together.

(xxxxx)

_A/N: one more chapter to go! Then I have a new idea for a story. I know I had a request for Max, but that may have to wait. I have a new one dying to make its way out. I hope you like this story and I know some of you aren't fans of the detailed sex scenes – the good thing is you can skip those parts and still follow the story. Thanks for all the love and support! xoxo_


	40. Chapter 40

_**1 year, 8 months, and 26 days later**_

"What's 28 divided by 7?"

"4."

Henry scribbled down the number.

"What's 36 divided by 6?"

"6."

"Henry William! How many times have I told you to stop getting your sister to do your homework? You are never going to learn it if you keep getting her to do the work for you," J.J. scolded as she wandered past Henry's room.

"I am just trying to help Noelle increase her knowledge," Henry said with a grin.

"Do the work yourself," J.J. said as she scooped Noelle off the floor.

She detoured into the office, where Spencer was grading papers. He looked up from his work, his glasses perched adorably at the end of his nose.

"Knock, knock. Your assistant is reporting for duty," J.J. said as she placed Noelle on the floor next to him.

Spencer grabbed a sheet of a paper and handed it to her.

"I need that report by the end of the day," he said as Noelle nodded and carried the paper to her little desk located nearby.

"Henry using her for homework again?" Spencer asked with a smile.

"Can't blame him. Sometimes I use her when I don't feel like doing math either," she said bending over to give him a kiss. "You almost finished? I could use some help before everyone gets here."

"Three left, so ten minutes," he said.

"Can you make sure the birthday boy gets dressed? I need to go finish icing the cake."

"I'm on it," he nodded.

10 minutes later when he finished grading, he leaned back in his chair and turned slightly to Noelle.

"How's that report coming along? Have you finished?" he said playfully.

Noelle got out of her seat and walked over, handing him the paper that had pictures and words like house and elephant written all over it. There were even a few stickers of smiley faces.

"All seems to be in order here. Well done. You're dismissed for the day," he said.

With that, he held open his arms and she climbed into them. He gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Quitting time," she said. "Now, what?"

"Well, now we get ready for your brother's birthday party. Your friends will be coming over to play," Spencer told her as he carried her out of the room.

"I'll go help Mommy," she said wiggling out of his arms.

Spencer put her down and watched her run off toward the kitchen. He laughed at his little mini me as he made his way down the hallway. He pushed open the last door to find Michael sitting on the floor reading a book out loud.

"Hey bud," Spencer said. "Mom wants you to get ready."

Michael jumped up running out the room, leaving his book on the floor. Spencer picked it up and placed it on the table nearby. He turned around and smiled at the little face grinning back at him.

"Are you enjoying Spiderman Saves San Francisco?" Spencer asked as he lifted the baby out of the crib. "I prefer the classics, but I guess with three older siblings you'll be subjected to all kinds of stories."

He placed the baby on the table and began dressing him for the party.

"How does it feel to be one? Any different than 11 months and 31 days?" he said.

The baby babbled back at him.

"That's what I thought," Spencer replied.

"Uncle Luke and Aunt Penny are here," Henry said as he popped into the room.

"We'll be right there," Spencer said as he finished getting the baby ready.

Moments later they were heading down the hallway to the voices echoing in the living room.

"There's the birthday boy!" Penelope squealed as she rushed over and held her arms out.

"You shouldn't be carrying him," Luke scolded.

"Oh, shush you, I'm already holding one, how is another going to make a difference," she said as Spencer handed the baby over.

"One month left," Spencer said with a smile. "I mean, technically at this point, it could be any day."

"Don't remind me," Luke said as he sipped his beer.

"He says that like it's been the longest 8 months of his life," Penelope said as she pointed to the large protruding belly. "I think I've done all the work here."

"Not what I meant, dear," Luke said sarcastically.

With that, the door opened, and Emily came walking in with Andrew. Everyone called out their greetings as she rushed toward Penelope.

"Let me see my boy," she said holding out her arms.

"Seriously, I just got him. You just walked through the door. It's not your turn yet," Penelope said turning away from Emily.

"You have five minutes, then he's mine!" she growled jokingly.

"Aunt Emily!"

Emily turned around to see Noelle running toward her.

"There's my princess," she said bending down and scooping her into a hug. "How's life at four years old?"

"Busy. Today I did Henry's homework and then I had reports for Daddy."

"I hope he pays well," Emily said.

"Paid?" Noelle said with a furrowed brow.

"You should be getting money for your work," Emily explained.

"I don't get any money."

"Well, you need to go on strike then. Don't do anymore reports unless he starts paying for your hard work. Tell him you want back pay as well."

Noelle wiggled out of Emily's arms and ran straight to Spencer.

"Daddy," she said tapping his leg to get his attention. "I am going on strike. You have to pay my back for my hard work."

Everyone nearby laughed as Spencer shot Emily a look. She just shrugged.

"We'll have a meeting to discuss your wages tomorrow," Spencer replied.

"Ok."

Satisfied she ran off. The door swung open again and Derek came walking in with a car seat carrier. Emily and Penelope ran toward him both arguing over who would hold 4-week-old, Malaysia first. Michael and Henry greeted Hank, the three of them running off to play video games.

Before long everyone else had arrived and the party was in full swing. The kids were all playing in the backyard, while the grown-ups mingled on the patio. J.J. walked out carrying a cake, Spencer holding the birthday boy. They waited as she lit the candle before singing;

_Happy birthday to you_

_Happy birthday to you_

_Happy birthday dear Aaron_

_Happy birthday to you_

Spencer helped blow out the candle as everyone erupted in cheers. They laughed as Aaron shoved his hand into his piece of cake and then scrunched up his nose at the mess it left on his fingers. By the end of it, Spencer had to excuse himself to take Aaron for a wardrobe change.

He had just finished bathing him and dressing him in pajamas when J.J. walked into the room.

"We're about to start opening gifts," she said.

Spencer nodded and stood up as Aaron toddled wobbly out of the room. J.J. turned to go after him, when she felt Spencer's hand wrap around her wrist. He pulled her back toward him, his lips pressing against hers. Though it was a chaste kiss, she felt the fire behind it.

"What was that for?" she asked with a smile.

"I love you and our amazing life, and I just wanted you to know that," he said as he pressed another kiss to her lips. This time it was a little more suggestive.

"Well, put a pin in that for tonight. Daddy's gonna get a present too," she grinned as she slapped his butt playfully.

"Can't wait to unwrap it," he said as he wrapped his arms around her from behind and they walked out of the room together.

_(xxxxx)_

_A/N: thank you to everyone who supported this story from the beginning. I hope that it ended the way you hoped. Keep your eyes open for a new story coming soon! xoxo_


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